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The Secret Life of Anger | Nick Wignall
Anger ≠ aggression
Anger is an emotion, while aggression is a behavior. They differ entirely in one central dimension - control.
- You can't control your emotions directly. In the legal system, nobody gets sent to prison for how they felt, regardless of how angry they were. They get punished for what they do.
- You can influence your emotions indirectly by how you think and behave. For example, when you focus on how terrible all the drivers in your town are, your anger will likely increase. But, if you listen to music and think about how grateful you are, your anger will probably subside.
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Key Ideas
Anger and Aggression
- Anger: An emotion felt when we believe we have been wronged.
- Aggression: is an act of expression of the anger, by our words our actions. Aggressio...
Validation and Boundaries
- We can try and validate the anger felt by an individual by making them know that their anger is maybe justified while putting firm but respectful boundaries on their aggression.
- We then need to be clear about what type of aggression we are willing to tolerate, setting boundaries on the unacceptable.
- We may have to put our foot down and be ready to leave the conversation or escalate the issue, without falling into the trap of guilt and emotion.
- If possible, we need to restart the conversation when things have cooled down, and diffuse the issue in a calm way.
Avoiding Speculative Self-Talk
Unchecked self-talk can easily turn into self-delusion. The stories we create almost always make you look like the good guy and cannot be termed as objective.
- The way to get out of this speculative self-delusion is to avoid any speculation about other people's anger, at least initially.
- Make sure to note down the facts of the situation. This can make the story less according to your gut instinct, and more towards the objective reality.
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Key Ideas
The Power of Forgiveness
Forgive. Research indicates that forgiveness makes you less angry and more healthy.
Dealing with Anger According to Context
Sometimes suppression is the only thing you can do to avoid an escalation. And sometimes reappraisal can cause you to tolerate bad situations.
But that said, telling yourself a more compassionate story about what’s going on inside the other person’s head is usually the best way to go.
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Key Ideas
Anger Is Pleasurable
Anger and the accompanying feelings of revenge are associated with dopamine and norepinephrine secretion in the brain, which feel exhilarating to us.
The neurological chemical systems in th...
Anger Is Mobilizing
Anger is an emotion that can be harnessed, with collective anger being able to spearhead entire movements and disruptions.
Anger has a strangely energizing effect and helps people deal with trauma and grief. Anger is the one emotion that encourages action.
Anger Is Impactful
People listen to an angry person, making it a salient powerful emotion for interpersonal connections.
Entire movies are made of characters taking revenge as they are angry and resentful due to a reason that the audience loves to hear about.