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We all make snap first impressions about each other - here's how to slow down
First Impressions
Usually, when we meet or see a person, we create a first impression in our minds, almost unconsciously.
But the snap judgements, or quick conclusions our mind starts to entertain in the first instance, can be drastically wrong.
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The Receiving End
A snap judgement, or an unfair first impression can be a learning experience for the one who has made it, but it can also be a lifetime scar for the one on the receiving end, as it can stick with them.
The Stare
We have a natural instinct to stare at someone to gather information and categorize the person as safe or dangerous.
It is valid in some situations but it can also be hurtful and antagonizing to the other person.
The Five-Second Rule
Instead of unconsciously staring, and subsequently judging the other person, a better way is to consciously observe.
For five seconds, see the other person, without making assumptions, judgements or wrong impressions, and just observe neutrally.
Open and Aware
Use your awareness and follow the S.T.O.P. rule: "See The Other Person."
Looking at the other person is like stopping at a four-way intersection, where we need to observe, pausing for a moment, and then go forward.
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Healthy skepticism
Find out who is making the claim
When you encounter a new claim, look for conflicts of interest. Ask: Do they stand to profit from what they say? Are they affiliated with an organization that could be swaying them? Other questions to consider: What makes the writer or speaker qualified to comment on the topic? What statements have they made in the past?
The halo effect
Is a cognitive bias that makes our feeling towards someone affect how we judge their claims. If we dislike someone, we are a lot more likely to disagree with them; if we like them, we are biased to agree.
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... when you’re in a relationship. Think about those four horsemen of the relationships apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and how often do you exhibit any of them.
Try to observe your actions and strive to understand the reasons behind them.
Relationship as a partnership
It helps to view your relationship as a “work of art” that you two are co-creating together, in real-time.
The work-of-art mindset can help counter that pessimistic self-narrative. Instead, you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer.
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Defensive failure
It's what occurs when we want to achieve something and we think about it constantly but we don't do it.
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“I just don’t think I can do this”
Experiencing a rocky start is enough sometimes to discourage us from going any further and we convince ourselves we don't have what it takes to do a certain task.
How to outsmart it: Develop a growth mindset and try to see each failure as just an opportunity to learn.
“People like me aren’t good at this”
While our identities can give us a sense of meaning and a place in the world, sometimes they can get in our way when we’re attempting new things: many of us will avoid doing anything that threatens our sense of self.
How to outsmart it: Find people like you, that are doing the things you'd like to do and share your concerns with them.
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