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On Marrying the Wrong Person
Marriage is a Process
We mistakenly think marriage is just an event.
We have to understand that marriage is a process, filled with love, ups and downs, effort and struggle. It is not that we get married, throw a few parties and start to reap the 'rewards' of marriage, going about on our other interests.
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Key Ideas
The faulty logic
We usually consider moving into marriage in an attempt to preserve and prolong the happy romantic feelings that characterize the early stages of almost all relationships.
But in most cases, ther...
Unrealistic expectations
The gap between expectation and reality is the cause for many of life’s disappointments.
We like to create detailed fantasies of how our lives are going to be. But when we expect our reality to match a fantasy but life turns out nothing like it, we feel disappointed.
Asking the right questions
"Are you the right person for me?" is the wrong question to ask, because nothing outside of ourselves can fix us or bring us happiness.
A more constructive question to ask would be "Can I accommodate your imperfections with humor and grace?"
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Key Ideas
Self-understanding
To make a marriage work, you have to be the right person.
Rather than looking for the right partner, become aware of your blind spots, growing edges and vulnerabilities. Take r...
You can’t avoid marital conflict
Blaming, oversimplifying, and seeing oneself as a victim are all common traits of unhappy couples and failed marriages.
Conflicts should be approached by looking together at the problem.
A good marriage takes skill
Most of us don’t have adequate communication skills going into marriage. It is important to build this skill.
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Key Ideas
Marriage - a shift in meaning
For many people, a wedding is no longer the first step into adulthood, but often the last step.
It is a celebration of what two people have already accomplished, unlike the traditional...
Marriage statistics
- In 1997, the median age for a first marriage was 27.4 for women and 29.5 for men.
- The college-educated are more likely to marry eventually. Nine out of ten wait until after they marry to have children.
- A large portion of those without college educations have a child before they marry.
- In Norway, the median age at first marriage is 39 for men and 38 for women, and weddings often take place long after a couple starts to have children.
Replacing marriage
In 2012, 57 percent of Americans believed it is alright for a couple to live together without intending to get married.
The dominance of marriage may be due to a cultural lag, where attitudes and values change more slowly than the primary material conditions.