Move beyond envy

(and learn to read others)

Everyone wears a mask to present themselves to others. We want to look good, but our real feelings show up through (mostly unconscious) body language. Pay attention to non-verbal cues and don’t get lost in your own internal dialogue

“Irrationality is a function of the structure of our brains and is wired into our very nature by the way we process emotions”

• Law of irrationality - Master Your Emotions

We humans think that we are in control, but what drives us are our em...

• Disappointment at your good news, or glee at your misfortune

• Poisonous praise that makes you feel uncomfortable 

• Talking maliciously about someone who is not present.

• Push-and-pull, i.e., pulling you in with friendship then criticizing you once they know your weak po...

1. Watch for signs that reveal someone’s character


What are the actions or decisions they repeat over time?

2. Identify and distance yourself from toxic characters-

• Hyperperfectionist (seems dedicated but is a control freak)

• Pe...

“When choosing people to work and associate with, do not be mesmerized by their reputation or taken in by the surface image they try to project. Instead, train yourself to look deep within them and see their character.”

We can empathize naturally when we are not self-absorbed. We need attention to grow our self-worth, but we can’t rely on it alone, or we become narcissists.

Deep narcissists take everything personally, demand control and attention in their relationships, and are expert manipulators.

H...

• The subtle-superiority strategy: always turning up late with an excuse and insincere apology

• The sympathy strategy: playing the victim but secretly relishing the pain or drama 

• The dependence strategy: offering concern and help, then withdrawing them later

We like to believe that we’re independent and progressive, but we can’t help conforming with our groups: we unconsciously imitate others and are influenced by their reactions and opinions.

On the surface, people seem friendly and civilized. However, beneath the mask, everyone has an aggressive side.

The most chronic aggressors are actually people with the deepest insecurities. They can’t tolerate feelings of helplessness and anxiety, they see others as tools to get what they ...

“If you come across any special trait of meanness or stupidity… you must be careful not to let it annoy or distress you, but to look upon it merely as an addition to your knowledge”

Humans act instinctively in certain ways because of how our brains are wired after...

Here’s how we are individually influenced by groups:

• We change our appearances or adopt the group’s ideas, beliefs and values because of our desire to fit in.

• We perform the roles expected of us as team members. 

• We try to minimize our flaws and present our strengths.

Our character is deeply ingrained and compels us to act in unconscious ways. Forged by 3 components

1. Genes

2. Early attachments formed with our caregivers 

3. Habits and experiences

Learn to look beyond appearances. Assess people’s true character based on how they han...

Humans constantly compare themselves with one another.

When we feel envious, we deny our envy as it implies inferiority. Instead, we tell ourselves that we’re just angry or indignant.

Envious people can turn hostile and actively seek to hurt you, whether consciously or unconsciously. ...

We tend to overemphasize what we see and hear in the present, especially what is the most dramatic. In doing so, we lose sight of the bigger picture. 

In this complex world, any action can have far-reaching consequences. Learn to step back and consider the bigger picture instead of reacting...

1. Confirmation bias - You look for evidence that confirms your beliefs

2. Conviction bias - You convince yourself your beliefs are the right ones

3. Appearance bias - You think you can see people as they really are 

4. Group bias - You follow the herd

5. Superiority ...

1. Childhood memories - Cause strong positive or negative feelings

2. Sudden wins or losses - Cause extreme optimism or pessimism

3. Extreme stress - Changes our behavior

4. Narcissistic individuals - Causes strong feelings in us and others

5. Large groups - Causes infecti...

People who are confident tend to be relaxed, move more freely, and make eye contact. 

Insecure people are more hesitant, speak in higher pitches, and avoid eye contact.

People who are hiding something tend to become extra-animated, unusually chatty, or forceful.

1. Define a collective purpose

Clearly state and publicize this. 

2. Assemble the right team.

Look for people with complementary strengths but diverse skills, temperaments, and backgrounds.

3. Encourage a free flow of ideas and information up and down the...

There are some common dynamics you may notice in groups:

• A culture or spirit is based on a shared ideal.

• Rules and codes define what is acceptable.

• A hierarchy:

◦ Alpha and sub-leaders whom people try to get close to

◦ The Intriguer (seems loyal but is sec...

• A sudden change in your status

• Having talents that elevate you above others

• Being a woman who rises to success

• Levelers: They are good at putting others down but can’t take jokes at their own expense. 

• Self-entitled slackers: They earn their positions through charm or politics instead of getting things done. 

• Status fiends: They reduce everything to rank, position, and material benchm...

1. Think about possible chain reactions for every action.

2. Step back to regain perspective.

3. Draw up a ladder of your values and priorities.


Refocus your time and energy accordingly. When you feel lost in trivialities use your ladder of priorities to weed out nonesse...

the positive aspects of your assertive energy

1. Be aware of your own aggressive tendencies

2. Be relentlessly persistent in trying new angles until you achieve your goal.

3. Have the childlike fearlessness to ask or push for what you want.


Assert ...

1. Look deeply into the layers of your character. 

2. Be honest about your primal inclinations, strengths and weaknesses, flaws and mistakes

3. Cultivate traits like resilience, attention to detail, the ability to finish tasks and work with others

4. Improve your habits—the only...

“Learn to deflect envy by drawing attention away from yourself. Develop your sense of self-worth from internal standards and not incessant comparisons.”