“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

-Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

-Steven Wright

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

-Steven Wright

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

-Steven Wright

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

-Steven Wright

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

-Steven Wright

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

-Steven Wright

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

-Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

-Steven Wright

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”

-Steven Wright

“Always try to be modest and be proud of it!”

-Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

-Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and o...

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

-Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

-Steven Wright

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

-Steven Wright

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

-Steven Wright

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

-Steven Wright

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

-Steven Wrigh

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

-Steven Wright

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

-Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

-Steven Wright

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

-Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

-Steven Wright

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

-Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

-Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

-Steven Wright

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

-Steven Wright