Most of us find it difficult to judge our own social behavior. Because we cannot see ourselves as we really are, we can use feedback from others to adjust our behavior.However, many people find it hard to accept compliments. This is especially true of people who are not very assertive.

Receiving Positive 

The receiver quickly returns the compliment.Compliment: “You were funny tonight.”Response: “You, on the other hand, are hilarious every night.”

Boomerang

The receiver accepts a smaller version of the compliment than was intended. Compliment: “You look terrific.”Response: “It’s these socks my sister gave me.”

Narrowing

The receiver may argue with the person giving the compliment to show that the compliment was misplaced. Compliment: “Your project really turned out well.”Response: “Nah. The attendance was lower than I projected, we didn’t make as much money as we could have, and the elephant was too fat.”

Arguing

Some people think that avoiding compliments makes them look good. In reality, declining a compliment is an insult to the person offering it.

What Is The Effect of Avoiding Compliments?

Compliments get tossed in the wastebasket in a number of ways. Here are a few :

How Are Compliments Not Accepted ?

The person may ignore the compliment altogether, pretending that it was not heard. Compliment: “That hat looks good on you.”Response: “Where do you want to eat lunch?” Or, the remark may not be recognized as a compliment.Compliment: “I’d like you to head the new department.”Response: “Don’t you like the work I’m doing in my current position?”

Ignoring

The person may void the compliment by contradicting it. Compliment: “You look great today.”Response: “No, I don’t. I look awful.”

Denial

The receiver may joke with the other person, failing to fully receive the compliment in the way it was meant. Compliment: “Listen, I really appreciate the help that you gave me when my mother was so sick.” Response: “Oh right, like I had anything better to do!”

Joking

The receiver questions the judgment of the giver. Compliment: “You sang beautifully.”Response: “Why would you think that? You must be deaf.”

Questioning

<ul><li>Many people have been taught that it is conceited to accept a compliment.</li><li>Some people feel the need to restore balance. A compliment is a positive, so to balance it out they have to devalue the compliment or give the other person a compliment in return.</li><li>Some people fear that accepting a compliment will leave them in debt to the other person. Many people have a low self-image.</li><li>Some people worry about the motives behind the compliment.</li></ul>

Why Are Compliments Not Accepted?

A compliment is a gift to be accepted. It is not a bomb needing to be defused, nor a volleyball needing to be returned.

The receiver may try to balance the positive feedback with self-imposed insults. Compliment: “You made great time on that last hill.”Response: “I guess it wasn’t too bad for a fat old guy.”

Self-insult

The alternative is simply to accept the complimentThank the person offering the compliment, and do so without narrowing it down, without apologizing, and without returning it immediately.It is not arrogant to accept a compliment. It is polite.A simple “thank you” will do.

The Alternative

Receiving positive feedback is a underrated social skills. Sometimes, accepting a compliment can be seen as being arrogant while it is not. Refusing compliment on the other hand is rude. Here are some ideas to overcome this fear.

Effective communication is a critical skill that influences your professional success, the stability of your family life, and your personal happiness. Your ability to communicate effectively is seriously hampered if you can't assert yourself constructively. If you've ever felt paralyzed by an imposing individual or strongly argued opposing point of view, you know that a lack of assertiveness can leave you feeling marginalized and powerless. The Assertiveness Workbook contains effective, cognitive behavioral techniques to help you become more assertive. Learn how to set and maintain personal boundaries without becoming inaccessible. Become more genuine and open in relationships without fearing attack. Defend yourself when you are criticized or asked to submit to unreasonable requests. This book has been awarded The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Seal of Merit — an award bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.

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Effective communication is a critical skill that influences your professional success, the stability of your family life, and your personal happiness. Your ability to communicate effectively is seriously hampered if you can't assert yourself constructively. If you've ever felt paralyzed by an imposing individual or strongly argued opposing point of view, you know that a lack of assertiveness can leave you feeling marginalized and powerless. The Assertiveness Workbook contains effective, cognitive behavioral techniques to help you become more assertive. Learn how to set and maintain personal boundaries without becoming inaccessible. Become more genuine and open in relationships without fearing attack. Defend yourself when you are criticized or asked to submit to unreasonable requests.This book has been awarded The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Seal of Merit — an award bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.

RANDY PATERSON

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