The Assertiveness Workbook

The person may ignore the compliment altogether, pretending that it was not heard.

Compliment: “That hat looks good on you.”

Response: “Where do you want to eat lunch?”

Or, the remark may not be recognized as a compliment.

Compliment: “I’d like you to head the new department.”

Response: “Don’t you like the work I’m doing in my current position?”

The person may void the compliment by contradicting it.

Compliment: “You look great today.”

Response: “No, I don’t. I look awful.”

The receiver may argue with the person giving the compliment to show that the compliment was misplaced.

Compliment: “Your project really turned out well.”

Response: “Nah. The attendance was lower than I projected, we didn’t make as much money as we could have, and the elephant was too fat.”

The receiver may joke with the other person, failing to fully receive the compliment in the way it was meant.

Compliment: “Listen, I really appreciate the help that you gave me when my mother was so sick.”

Response: “Oh right, like I had anything better to do!”

The receiver may try to balance the positive feedback with self-imposed insults.

Compliment: “You made great time on that last hill.”

Response: “I guess it wasn’t too bad for a fat old guy.”

The receiver questions the judgment of the giver.

Compliment: “You sang beautifully.”

Response: “Why would you think that? You must be deaf.”

The receiver accepts a smaller version of the compliment than was intended.

Compliment: “You look terrific.”

Response: “It’s these socks my sister gave me.”

The receiver quickly returns the compliment.

Compliment: “You were funny tonight.”

Response: “You, on the other hand, are hilarious every night.”

• Many people have been taught that it is conceited to accept a compliment.
• Some people feel the need to restore balance. A compliment is a positive, so to balance it out they have to devalue the compliment or give the other person a compliment in return.
• Some people fear that accepting a compliment will leave them in debt to the other person. Many people have a low self-image.
• Some people worry about the motives behind the compliment.

Some people think that avoiding compliments makes them look good.

In reality, declining a compliment is an insult to the person offering it.

The alternative is simply to accept the complimentThank the person offering the compliment, and do so without narrowing it down, without apologizing, and without returning it immediately.

It is not arrogant to accept a compliment. It is polite.

A simple “thank you” will do.