Getting to know a person in a romantic... - Deepstash
How 'The Five Love Languages' Can Improve Your Relationships

How 'The Five Love Languages' Can Improve Your Relationships

How 'The Five Love Languages' Can Improve Your Relationships

lifehacker.com

18 IDEAS

Keep reading for FREE

Getting to know a person in a romantic relationship is a gradual process. Over time, you learn more and more about them, including their likes and dislikes, and how they think. Later on in a relationship , maybe you've wished your partner could read your mind and know what sets you off, and what you respond well to.

195

229 reads

In short, knowing what makes you tick and what doesn't can help you empathize with people a little better .

When you realize what your partner does and doesn't care about, you can empathize better. Your reasons for fighting make a little more sense. When you understand why you're fighting, you're in a better position to come up with a solution.

Beyond fighting less (or at least more productively), the concept of love languages is a great for maintaining the relationship, too. For example, I know both of us feel affection by spending quality time together, so I know it's important to schedule this time to keeping our relationship strong. If we ever had a long distance relationship, we'd probably struggle quite a bit with it, and we'd need to put in more effort than people who don't speak the language of quality time. When you've been in a relationship for a long time, it's easy to get complacent and let things get stale. When you know your partner's love language, it's incredibly easy to recharge. It's like a cheat code for your relationship.

195

173 reads

In his own words, here's how Chapman breaks down the five love languages in his book:

The five languages are pretty straightforward, but here's a brief description of what each of them mean:

  • Words of affirmation : Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise or appreciation.
  • Acts of service : Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
  • Receiving gifts : Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
  • Quality time : Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
  • Physical touch : It can range from having sex to holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

195

178 reads

This term was coined by longtime relationship counselor Gary Chapman. His book, The Five Love Languages , is admittedly full of cheesy truisms ("keep your love tank full"), and it sounds like a bad quiz you'd take in a magazine. It's a pretty fluffy read overall (and some notions are kind of antiquated), but there's a reason this whole love language thing has taken off: it makes a lot of sense, and it works. In fact, you don't really need to read the book to understand the concept. It's fairly simple, and by the end of this post, you'll understand most of what you need to know.

195

175 reads

Chances are, you can relate to a few of these. Maybe you relate to all of them. But most of us have one or two that are much more important to us than the others, and it's different for everyone. As Chapman told SheKnows :

"I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise. The other four are just as important and offer [other] ways to express love to each other."

There's really no scientific research behind Chapman's theory; it just makes sense because it's relatable. It's obvious that we all show affection in different ways. These "languages" simply label those ways so you can understand people a little better.

195

174 reads

It can help in business, too. Business strategist Marie Forleo says the love languages concept is her "secret weapon" in maintaining a happy team . As a leader, she finds out how each person on her team feels appreciated, and she can then motivate them accordingly.

Chapman even wrote a follow-up book specifically aimed at the workplace: The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace . They're pretty much the same, but his explainers are translated for professional relationships rather than romantic ones. However, you can probably translate pretty easily on your own by simply taking a look at their behavior and how they respond to things.

195

174 reads

Overall, it all comes down to knowing what's important to people so you can understand, empathize and work with them a little better. Everyone is different. We all have different life experiences; we come from different backgrounds. It makes sense that we communicate differently, too.

195

175 reads

"I hate talking on the phone," he said. "So I don't do it. I don't know why that hurts people's feelings."

I joked, "Because when you don't keep in touch, we think you don't love us anymore." "Oh shit," he laughed, and since then, he's been better at reaching out.

It's worth noting that your love language might vary depending on the person, too. My brother might speak a different language in a romantic relationship than he does with family. And while I need quality time with my partner and family, I don't necessarily need quality time with friends to feel like they care or vice versa.

195

174 reads

I've found that the concept of love languages helps pretty much any relationship, not just romantic ones. It's useful to understand what matters to people.

For example, I used to get angry at my brother for being terrible at keeping in touch. He rarely calls, and it hurt my feelings. But then, we'd get together at family events and have long, meaningful conversations, and everything was great. He'd tell me how much I mean to him, and I'd feel reassured. But then he'd go back to being terrible at keeping in touch, and I'd get my feelings hurt all over again.

195

173 reads

Love languages can't fix everything, of course. They're not going to solve your joint money problems, for example. They're not going to make your in-laws more tolerable or get your partner to help out more around the house. But the concept does go a long way in communicating better, and we all know how much that matters in a relationship.

195

177 reads

You can probably figure out what your language is by simply giving it a little thought, but Chapman offers a 30-question quiz on his website . This is helpful because, if you identify with more than one language, the quiz tells you which ones stand out most. It might feel silly as you take it, but seriously, do it. The results will break down how highly you rank for each language, as you can see in the example below. (If you don't feel like taking it online, you can also download the PDF version of the quiz here ).

195

172 reads

As Chapman points out, there are different "dialects" for each language, too. For example, my primary language is quality time, but I also express and feel affection through words of affirmation and physical touch to some degree.

On the flip side, it's useful to know how you don't express affection. I ranked low on acts of service, and it helps to understand this as a blind spot. Let's say a friend does me a favor: they give me a ride to the airport. This isn't a big deal to me, so I might brush it off too quickly. Similarly, I might be terrible at doing favors for friends, because favors don't matter much to me, so I assume they don't matter to anyone else, either.

195

173 reads

In his own words, here's how Chapman breaks down the five love languages in his book:

"My conclusion after thirty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages-five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects....The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse."

195

174 reads

It took time to realize that his love language is 100 percent words of affirmation and zero percent quality time or acts of service. It seems strange to me, but that's him, and that's how he expresses (or doesn't express) affection. Once I got that, his lack of phone calls stopped hurting my feelings. And it works the other way, too. Recently, he complained that my dad and I always want to talk to him on the phone and he doesn't understand why.

195

173 reads

When I realized "gifting" wasn't his love language at all, everything suddenly made a lot of sense, and I learned to show that I care in ways that speak to him. And conversely, when I do give gifts, he now understands that's my way of saying I love you, and it means more to him now.

195

173 reads

That's sort of the idea behind the concept of love languages : they let you in on what makes your partner tick. The idea is: we all express and feel love differently, and understanding those differences can seriously help your relationship. In fact, it's one of the simplest ways to improve it.

195

174 reads

When you know what your partner does and doesn't care about, it's a pretty big eye opener. For example, for years, I've been giving my significant other small gifts to show that I care. I put a lot of thought into those gifts, and I loved surprising him. It would piss me off when he'd receive them and just say, "Oh cool, thanks," and then set it aside. That was not the reaction I wanted. By giving him a gift, I was saying, "I care about you," and "oh cool, thanks," is not a good reply to that.

195

175 reads

Of course, the concept is also helpful in simply expressing your love in the best possible way. For my fiancé's birthdays, I'd always put a huge amount of thought into his physical gift. Now that I know quality time is more important to him, I cater to that instead. I put more energy into planning birthday trips together rather than whatever physical gift I'm going to buy him.

195

173 reads

CURATED BY

MORE LIKE THIS

How 'The Five Love Languages' Can Improve Your Relationships

How 'The Five Love Languages' Can Improve Your Relationships

Connect With Your Kids By Speaking Their 'Love Language'

Connect With Your Kids By Speaking Their 'Love Language'

Why Everyone's Talking About Love Languages These Days & How To Find Yours

Why Everyone's Talking About Love Languages These Days & How To Find Yours

Ready for the next level?

Read Like a Pro

stash-superman-illustration

Explore the World’s

Best Ideas

200,000+ ideas on pretty much any topic. Created by the smartest people around & well-organized so you can explore at will.

An Idea for Everything

Explore the biggest library of insights. And we've infused it with powerful filtering tools so you can easily find what you need.

Knowledge Library

Powerful Saving & Organizational Tools

Save ideas for later reading, for personalized stashes, or for remembering it later.

# Personal Growth

Take Your Ideas

Anywhere

Organize your ideas & listen on the go. And with Pro, there are no limits.

Listen on the go

Just press play and we take care of the words.

Never worry about spotty connections

No Internet access? No problem. Within the mobile app, all your ideas are available, even when offline.

Get Organized with Stashes

Ideas for your next work project? Quotes that inspire you? Put them in the right place so you never lose them.

Join

2 Million Stashers

4.8

Stars

5,740 Reviews

App Store

4.7

Stars

72,690 Reviews

Google Play

Shankul Varada

Best app ever! You heard it right. This app has helped me get back on my quest to get things done while equipping myself with knowledge everyday.

samz905

Don’t look further if you love learning new things. A refreshing concept that provides quick ideas for busy thought leaders.

Sean Green

Great interesting short snippets of informative articles. Highly recommended to anyone who loves information and lacks patience.

Ashley Anthony

This app is LOADED with RELEVANT, HELPFUL, AND EDUCATIONAL material. It is creatively intellectual, yet minimal enough to not overstimulate and create a learning block. I am exceptionally impressed with this app!

Ghazala Begum

Even five minutes a day will improve your thinking. I've come across new ideas and learnt to improve existing ways to become more motivated, confident and happier.

Giovanna Scalzone

Brilliant. It feels fresh and encouraging. So many interesting pieces of information that are just enough to absorb and apply. So happy I found this.

Jamyson Haug

Great for quick bits of information and interesting ideas around whatever topics you are interested in. Visually, it looks great as well.

Laetitia Berton

I have only been using it for a few days now, but I have found answers to questions I had never consciously formulated, or to problems I face everyday at work or at home. I wish I had found this earlier, highly recommended!

Read & Learn

20x Faster

without
deepstash

with
deepstash

with

deepstash

Access to 200,000+ ideas

Access to the mobile app

Unlimited idea saving & library

Unlimited history

Unlimited listening to ideas

Downloading & offline access

Personalized recommendations

FAQ

Claim Your Limited Offer

Get Deepstash Pro

BLACK FRIDAY

75% OFF | 1-Year Pro Subscription

Claim Offer