“The greatest gift we can give the people we encounter is to help them feel accepted for who they are.

We don’t like, remember, or enjoy being around boring people. We are attracted to people who give us mental pleasure, who push our hot buttons, keep us mentally alert, and learn our names.

Think back to caveman days for a moment. When a stranger approached our caveman ancestors, the best way to tell if the stranger had good or bad intentions was to look at their hands. Were they carrying a rock or a spear? As the stranger introduced themselves, our ancestors watched their gestures to make sure they weren’t going to reach out and attack or steal precious belongings. Even though in modern times we aren’t often subjected to physical harm, this survival mechanism remains.

It’s In Your Hands

Asking for advice softly admits a vulnerability. When you ask for advice, you are admitting a gap in knowledge or a need for help in an authentic, non-scary way. Asking for advice gets people talking. Remember how much people like to talk about themselves?

ASK FOR ADVICE

“Being memorable boils down to inducing chemical pleasure. When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.

“We remember people who make us feel good and who make us want to be the best version of ourselves.”

There were five different ways people tended to express love,1. Words of Affirmation: People with this love language express their care through spoken or written word—love letters, texts, and verbal expressions of love.2. Gifts: People with this love language express their care through small gifts or tokens of appreciation—jewelry, candy, or flowers.3. Physical Touch: People with this love language express their care through touch—hugs, cuddles, pats on the back, loving embraces.

5 Love Languages

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">As humans, we are constantly looking for winners. Winner: n. Victor; a person likely to be successful.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Winners typically take up as much space as physically possible.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Bottom Line: Stand like a winner. Look like a winner. Interact like a winner.</li></ul>

Why Is Confidence So Important?

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">To get people motivated, give them ownership.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Always use the word “because” when asking for something. “Because” implies purpose. Whether you are pitching yourself, trying to get a date, or convincing a friend to choose your favorite restaurant for dinner, you always want to have your why at the ready.</li></ul>

The Word  ‘Because’

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Secrets are about releasing a vulnerability. When we share them—even with strangers—we get relief. We feel less alone.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">The secrets act as a catalyst for turning strangers into fast friends.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Don’t be afraid to ask for advice, share a vulnerability, or admit a weakness—they bond you to people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Mistakes humanize us. We all make mistakes, and we like people who are like us.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">The Ben Franklin Effect: When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you. </li></ul>

VULNERABILITY IS ATTRACTIVE

4. Acts of Service: People with this love language express their care by doing things for others—cooking their spouse dinner, running errands, or crafting something for them.5. Quality Time: People with this love language express their care with their time. They want to simply be in the presence of the people they care about.

“Another way of highlighting is to celebrate the victories of others as if they were your own. Good feelings multiply around other good feelings—and divide when they are not matched. When you see someone who is proud, excited, or passionate—mirror and match it. This associates you with their feelings of pleasure.”

Researchers found that job candidates who use more hand gestures in their interviews are more likely to get hired. Why do hand gestures have such an impact? Hands show intention. When someone can see your hands, they feel more at ease and are more likely to befriend you.Bottom Line: Keep your hands visible. Never skip a handshake.

Show Your Hands

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">The most likable students also liked the most other people.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">We are more inclined to enjoy being with people who visibly enjoy being with us.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">In social psychology, this is called the reciprocity effect. We also feel the need to give back the kind of treatment we receive. So if someone smiles at us, we smile back. If someone asks us questions, we feel the need to ask questions back. If someone shares a vulnerability, we feel the need to share a vulnerability back.</li></ul>

Reciprocity

“Whether you want your pitch to go viral, your e-mail to be read, or people to like your status updates, hook people with the power of stories.”

“Being curious about someone is one of the best ways to show you like them.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">“People are attracted to others who are similar to themselves.” </li><li class="ql-align-justify">Without realizing it, we are constantly searching for reasons to think, feel, or say, “Me too!” </li><li class="ql-align-justify">Don’t fall into the “Not me!” trap; instead, find a way to say “Me too!”</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Find and follow threads of similarity to be more socially attractive.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Every time you offer help, support, and advice, you create a deeper bond with someone and a permanent similarity.</li></ul>

How To Be Ridiculously Likable

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.”

“You don’t impress people by mentioning your accolades, accomplishments, or awards. You impress them by mentally turning on their reward systems.”

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">As humans, we so desperately want to be known. We want to feel like people get us, like we have someone on our side, like a group wants to have us as a member. Making people feel this way is called attunement—and it is one of the most underutilized social skills.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Attunement turn people on by making them feel wanted, liked, and known. We are often so wrapped up in our own thoughts, schedules, and agendas that we forget to tune into other people’s feelings, needs, and values.</li></ul>

SOCIAL ATTUNEMENT

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Your typical “hello,” “hi,” and “hey” get terrible reply rates in direct messages. “Howdy,” “hola,” and even “yo” rank better. The best greetings, “how’s it going” and “what’s up,” ask a question—even if they are slangy and informal, they do the trick. They ignite some kind of spark.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Unique questions, unexpected stories, and uncommon occurrences keep us alert in conversation. In other words, being different wakes people up.</li></ul>

Conversation Sparkers

As a human behavior hacker, Vanessa Van Edwards created a research lab to study the hidden forces that drive us. This is the first comprehensive, science backed, real life manual on how to captivate anyone—and a completely new approach to building connections..

Do you feel awkward at networking events? Do you wonder what your date really thinks of you? Do you wish you could decode people? You need to learn the science of people.   As a human behavior hacker, Vanessa Van Edwards created a research lab to study the hidden forces that drive us. And she’s cracked the code. In Captivate, she shares shortcuts, systems, and secrets for taking charge of your interactions at work, at home, and in any social situation. These aren’t the people skills you learned in school. This is the first comprehensive, science backed, real life manual on how to captivate anyone—and a completely new approach to building connections.   Just like knowing the formulas to use in a chemistry lab, or the right programming language to build an app, Captivate provides simple ways to solve people problems. You’ll learn, for example…   · How to work a room: Every party, networking event, and social situation has a predictable map. Discover the sweet spot for making the most connections. · How to read faces: It’s easier than you think to speed-read facial expressions and use them to predict people’s emotions. · How to talk to anyone: Every conversation can be memorable—once you learn how certain words generate the pleasure hormone dopamine in listeners. When you understand the laws of human behavior, your influence, impact, and income will increase significantly. What’s more, you will improve your interpersonal intelligence, make a killer first impression, and build rapport quickly and authentically in any situation—negotiations, interviews, parties, and pitches. You’ll never interact the same way again.

VANESSA VAN EDWARDS

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RECIPROCITY

We imitate habits to fit it