You have a set of beliefs behind each one of your values. If your beliefs around your values are too general, they can prevent you from changing your people-pleasing habits.
For example, "I am always there for people who need me" is too general and could include every person. "Always" implies no exception to that rule. When you adjust those beliefs to "I do my best to be there for my loved ones and friends," you have allowed space for exceptions.
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If you ever say "yes", when you want to say "no", or nod in agreement when you don't agree, you've probably experienced people pleasing.
People-pleasing is linked to a person's self-worth. A people pleaser hopes that saying yes will help him/her feel liked, but this could lead to feeling burned out, or cause unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.
The good news is that behavior can be changed. It is not easy, but making small changes will bring the desired result.
People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.
It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change. Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Take note of each time you do them and figure out how you will change it next time.
When you label yourself with "I am...," it has the potential to become your identity. "I am a people pleaser. I am not liked."
Never describe yourself as a people pleaser. Instead, describe your behavior as you make a decision to change it.
When we get clear on who we really are and what we stand for, we have a strong sense of self.
If you have been pleasing others for a long time, you may have lost sight of what is important to you. You may not have an opinion of your own.
Find out what your core values are - what aspects of your life are most important to you. Our values drive every decision and choice. Your values will assist you to say "no" when you mean "no."
If we always say "yes" to others, we are saying "no" to ourselves. We lose sight of our own priorities and instead live by other people's standards. Saying "no" at first may bring feelings of guilt. But "no" is just a word.
You may find it difficult to say no or may fear to disappoint the other people. Because of this, you may try to find lengthy excuses for why you can't help with their request. You don't owe an explanation, but it can feel easier to give one.
Decide to pause before you respond. It could prevent you from responding the usual way. If you are unsure of how you would like to respond, let the person know you will get back to them. Or let them know you will need to check your calendar first.
Don't beat yourself up for the times you slip up. Do notice where you make small changes and pat yourself on the back. Your confidence will increase with practice.
If you know what’s most important to you and you keep your focus on that each day then you’ll naturally start to say no and stop being so people pleasing.
...because now your energy and time is mostly focused on your needs and wants.
Our comfort zone stands in the way of our growth and learning. The only way to conquer fear is to push yourself into uncomfortable situations.
Even small tasks that make you uncomfortable gets the momentum going towards bigger challenges.
To survive, we decide to be responsive to what others expect us to do and be, leaving aside what we really want.