Stoicism is a philosophy of life that emphasizes the importance of virtue, reason, and living in accordance with nature. It was founded in ancient Greece by Zeno of Citium around 300 BC. It became popular in the Roman Empire when many aristocrats adopted it. Emperor Marcus Aurelius is the most famous disciple.Stoicism is seeing a renaissance with many modern people being drawn to its teachings as a way to cope with our he adversity of everyday life.

What is Stoicism?

The dichotomy of control is a Stoic concept that states that there are two things we can control in life:<ol><li>our thoughts and ...</li><li>our actions</li></ol>.... and nothing else. Everything else is outside of our control.The dichotomy of control can help us to focus on the things that are important and to let go of the things that we can't control. It can help us to develop a sense of equanimity, or calmness, in the face of adversity.

The Dichotomy of Control

"The dichotomy of control is a simple but powerful idea that can help us to live more resilient and less stressed lives. It is based on the recognition that there are two types of things in the world: those that we can control and those that we cannot. The things that we can control are our own thoughts, our own actions, and our own goals. The things that we cannot control are everything else."

4 core virtues that Stoics believe are essential for living a good life:<ol><li>Wisdom: The ability to see the world clearly and to understand what is truly important. Stoics believe that wisdom is the foundation of all the other virtues.</li><li>Courage: The ability to face challenges and to do what is right, even when it is difficult. Stoics believe that courage is essential for living a fulfilling life.</li><li>Temperance: The ability to control our desires and live in moderation. Temperance is essential for living a harmonious life.</li><li>Justice: The ability to act fairly and to treat others with respect.</li></ol>

The Stoic Virtues

Memento mori is a reminder of death. The phrase is Latin for "remember that you will die." Stoics used this phrase as a reminder of the impermanence of life & the importance of living each day to 100%.<ul><li>Death is inevitable. Stoics believe that death is a natural part of life and that it is something that we should all accept.</li><li>Death can be a motivating factor. Stoics believed that if we knew that our time was limited, we would be more likely to focus on what is truly important.</li><li>Death can be a source of peace. Stoics also believed that the awareness of death could bring us peace of mind.</li></ul>

Memento Mori

A good character cannot be developed without a proper understanding and implementation of all three Stoic disciplines, which are:<ol><li>The discipline of desire (also referred to as Stoic acceptance)</li><li>The discipline of action (known also as Stoic philanthropy, in the sense of concern for others)</li><li>The discipline of assent (or Stoic mindfulness) </li></ol>

The Three Stoic Disciplines

The discipline of desire tells us what is, and is not, proper to want. This, in turn, derives from the fact that some things are in our power and others are not.Two of the four Stoic virtues are pertinent to regulating desire:<ul><li>Courage (to face facts and act accordingly.)</li><li>Temperance (to rein in our desires and make them commensurate with what is achievable.)</li></ul>

The Discipline of Desire

The discipline of action tells us how to behave in the world. It is the result of proper understanding of ethics, the study of how to live our lives, and it draws on the virtue of justice.

The Discipline of Action

The discipline of assent tells us how to react to situations, in the sense of either giving our assent to our initial impressions of a situation or withdrawing it.This discipline is arrived at via the study of logic – what is and is not reasonable to think – and requires the virtue of practical wisdom.

The Discipline of Assent

Stoicism is everywhere. These ideas are a good start.

In the tradition of How to Live and How Proust Can Change Your Life, a philosopher asks how ancient Stoicism can help us flourish today Whenever we worry about what to eat, how to love, or simply how to be happy, we are worrying about how to lead a good life. No goal is more elusive. In How to Be a Stoic, philosopher Massimo Pigliucci offers Stoicism, the ancient philosophy that inspired the great emperor Marcus Aurelius, as the best way to attain it. Stoicism is a pragmatic philosophy that focuses our attention on what is possible and gives us perspective on what is unimportant. By understanding Stoicism, we can learn to answer crucial questions: Should we get married or divorced? How should we handle our money in a world nearly destroyed by a financial crisis? How can we survive great personal tragedy? Whoever we are, Stoicism has something for us--and How to Be a Stoic is the essential guide.

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History

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Personal Development

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Motivation & Inspiration

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Books

Massimo Pigliucci is an author, blogger, podcaster, as well as the K.D. Irani Professor of Philosophy at the City College of New York. His academic work is in evolutionary biology, philosophy of science, the nature of pseudoscience, and practical philosophy. His books include How to Be a Stoic: Using Ancient Philosophy to Live a Modern Life (Basic Books) and Nonsense on Stilts: How to Tell Science from Bunk (University of Chicago Press). His new book is The Quest for Character: What the Story of Socrates and Alcibiades Teaches Us about Our Search for Good Leaders (Basic Books). More by Massimo at https://massimopigliucci.org.

Massimo Pigliucci

How to Be a Stoic

However, children are sophisticated thinkers and more capable of abstract thought. In some ways, kids make better philosophers than adults because they question things grown-ups take for granted and are open to new ideas. The late philosopher Gareth Matthews was one of the first people to notice this. Unlike Piaget, who supposed that children can't yet use logic, Matthews found that kids can reason in subtle ways from the ages of 3 to 7.

Children are capable of abstract thought

Kids are constantly puzzled by the world. They always want to know how or why. Kids are also not concerned if they'll make mistakes or seem silly as they try and figure things out. Developmental psychologists are catching on to kids’ capabilities. Children aren't just "primitive grownups gradually attaining perfection and complexity." Their minds are complex and powerful. If we can sustain kids’ curiosity, they might become more discerning adults.

Every child is a philosopher and often some of the best

For adults to become better thinkers, they only have to talk to children and take them seriously. Children's well-placed why's can push you past your ability to explain everyday things and help you question truths you hold dear. They can even help you see the world in a new way.

Kids can help adults become better thinkers

Developmental psychologists are catching on that children from age 3 - 7 are often more capable of complex thought than previously thought. Adults can tap into that by actively talking and listening to them. 

Adults have a lot to learn from the questions only children are willing to ask.

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Parenting

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Creativity

Why Kids Make the Best Philosophers

Many couples will privately admit that they are frustrated and disappointed with the person they've chosen to share their lives with. They may admit that their partner is too loyal to their annoying family, doesn't share their views, don't want to go on camping holidays,  and the list goes on. But they still love their partner and want to be happy together. What is driving the frustration is that they have preconceived ideas of how a relationship is supposed to be.

Frustration in a relationship

We often think that love involves a merger of two lives. We expect a loving couple must think the same, eat the same, have the same ideas, have only common friends. If it is not right in every way, we believe we need to reform the relationship. However, we need just three essential things from one another:<ul><li>Kindness: a partner who good-humouredly tolerates our imperfections.</li><li>Shared vulnerability: someone with whom we can be weak, vulnerable, and honest.</li><li>Understanding: someone who is interested in and can make sense of our minds and how we view the world.</li></ul>

Two perspectives of a relationship

If we have kindness, shared vulnerability, and understanding, we will feel satisfied and loved. When differences appear in other areas, we will be content. If we agree on every other area but lack these three ingredients, we will feel lonely and empty.

Three elements of a relationship

It can be hard to know what we really need from a relationship. But the task becomes much simpler if we keep in mind that every relationship requires just three crucial ingredients to work. Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2TMs0dT For books and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/2Xyn8Kj Our website has classes, articles and products to help you lead a more fulfilled life: https://bit.ly/39Hq7Wz Join this channel to get access to exclusive members perks: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog/join FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2XCj63C “Many people, after they’ve been in a couple for some time, will privately admit that they are – in many ways – frustrated and disappointed by the person they’ve chosen to share their lives with. If pressed for details, they will have no difficulty coming up with a list: their partner, they might complain:..” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLrelationships SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Gemma Green-Hope http://www.gemmagreenhope.com/ Title animation produced in collaboration with Vale Productions https://www.valeproductions.co.uk/

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It can be hard to know what we really need from a relationship. But the task becomes much simpler if we keep in mind that every relationship requires just three crucial ingredients to work.
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FURTHER READING

You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2XCj63C

“Many people, after they’ve been in a couple for some time, will privately admit that they are – in many ways – frustrated and disappointed by the person they’ve chosen to share their lives with.  If pressed for details, they will have no difficulty coming up with a list: their partner, they might complain:..”


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Title animation produced in collaboration with

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The Three Requirements of a Good Relationship

Erisology

When we argue with someone but we're not able to articulate our arguments well, you can try by asking the other person what exactly they believe in because the act of explaining dilutes extreme views.

Having Difficulty in Articulating Your Arguments

The moral foundations theory was proposed by a social psychologist named Jonathan Haidt where he suggests that our moral 'taste buds' exist in six major areas: care, fairness, loyalty, authority, sanctity, and liberty.From what we've learned from a study done in 2017, liberty and fairness are important to anyone regardless of their political stance, so you can try to reframe your argument according to your opponent's beliefs.

Exercising Moral Foundations Theory

An observation was made by the researchers from the University of British Columbia and what they found was that the more time we spend looking at a speaker's eyes, the less persuaded we become with our argument. Should victory be your goal, avoid eye contacts at all costs and you might just achieve it.

Avoid Eye Contact When Arguing

If you’re bad at arguments, it’s time to delve into Erisology, the study of disagreements. Read on to find out about the psychology of quarrelling.

Understand yourself and those around you.

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How can I get better at arguments?

Human beings thrive on stories. From ancient oral storytelling to modern cinema, we have loved a good story.
Through centuries of storytelling through books and movies, it is learned that there are four basic ways of ending a story: Sweet, Bitter, Semi-sweet and Bittersweet.

Types Of Story Endings

To understand how a story works, one has to learn that there are two kinds of desires(or wants) for the protagonist: An external desire that is known to them, and an internal desire is the need that is usually universal in nature, and more in sync with what the audience wants.
The four different endings(Sweet, Bitter, Semi-sweet and Bittersweet) is the combining and mixing of the external and internal desires.

The Hero’s Desires

This extra sugar-coated ending is when the hero gets what was always wanted, in all aspects.Example: In the movie Back To The Future, the time travelling Marty wants to be a rock star but lacks the confidence to realize his dream. In the end all his wildest dreams are realized, plus he is able to bring his parents together and get back to the present time from the past.

The Sweet Ending

This ending is when the hero does not get what they want, and also not what they need. This ending can seem poignant and unfair to the audience.Example: The movie The Godfather does not end in the way the father, or the son intended to, and neither how the audience envisioned. It ends in a tragic, bitter way, out of nowhere.

The Bitter Ending

A common way to end the story, the semi-sweet ending has the protagonist get what they need, but not what they wanted from the start.There are many movies that have the semi-sweet ending, as it provides a canvas for the character to develop and even transform(like in the movie Rainman).

The Semi-Sweet Ending

In a bittersweet ending, the protagonist often gets what they want, but not what they had really needed. It looks as if the hero has won, but it does not seem worthy.For example, in the movie The Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg succeeds in building a social website used by millions, but isn’t really happy in the end.

The Bittersweet Ending

When ending your story, there are really only a handful of options. Let’s talk about how to end a story with various types and examples.

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Movies & Shows

WATCH: How to Write an Ending Like The Godfather

Over the ten series, the sitcom about a group of 20- and 30-somethings in New York attracted scholarly analysis.
One of the striking things about Friends was the humour that depended on clever conversational devices. The scriptwriters used the unexpected in conversation.

Friends: The humour of the sitcom

The conversational rules for a successful invitation depend on:
<ul>
<li>who we're asking,</li>
<li>what kind of relationship we have</li>
<li>what's at stake</li>
<li>how important an acceptance is.</li>
</ul>
The preferred response to a request is acceptance, and the best way to ensure a positive result is to pose a leading question like, "What are you up to this evening?" This helps those we're talking to avoid having to give negative responses.
Friends' scriptwriters breached these rules, which cause audiences to laugh.

Breaking conversational rules causes laughter

Friends scriptwriters methods for creating laughter make the often hidden conventions of language-use visible. 
In one episode, an invitation is turned down, but without giving an expected reason. Joey asks Phoebe if she'd like to help build furniture. Phoebe opens with a negative reply but then does the surprising. "Ohh! I wish I could, but I don't want to." And the audience erupts in laughter.
Creating humour this way, as well as through misunderstandings, can keep us laughing.

Generating the big laughs

Friends has made audiences laugh by breaching what we expect to happen when people speak.

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Entertainment

Friends: making audiences laugh by embracing the unexpected in conversation

Group meetings may feel intimidating. Speaking up in meetings is an opportunity to impact developing ideas, but it can also show up your ignorance in front of a large group. 
But there are real advantages to speaking up. 
<ul>
<li>You may influence ongoing events.</li>
<li>Your comments may prompt new ideas in your colleagues.</li>
<li>Speaking up gives other people a chance to get to know how you think.</li>
</ul>

Speaking up in meetings

Resist the urge to step up and show off your thoughts until you understand what the group is doing.
The ideas that people listen to are spoken by people who connect what they say to the group's needs. Your aim when you contribute is to connect the concerns of the people.

Listen before you speak

Think about the point you want to make in the meeting. Write down a sentence or two that highlights your main point or two.
While it seems strange to prepare for a comment, speaking in front of a group can be stressful. The amount of information you can hold in your mind decrease as your anxiety increase. That means you cannot count on getting the rights words out if you are not used to speaking in a meeting. Preparing will help to speak well.

Prepare in advance

The anxiety you feel before you say something in a meeting can cause you to back out altogether.
Therefore, try not to overthink it. When the point you want to discuss comes up on the agenda, immediately commit to contributing.

Don't overthink it in the moment

The fear of speaking out is far worse than actually speaking in a meeting. That worst-case scenario you fear is not really going to happen.
What might happen if you speak out in a meeting ineffectively is that nobody will pay attention and forget you said anything.

There is less downside than you fear

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How to get more confident speaking up in meetings

... without making enemies:
<ul>
<li>Make sure you communicate you are not there to fight (using your tone of voice, for example).</li>
<li>Avoid making statements; instead, ask questions.</li>
<li>Defend yourself with confidence, but without coming across as antagonistic.</li>
</ul>

Win Arguments

<div>When the conversation gets heated, we tend to raise our voices and talk faster. This is a dangerous path because now the ability of both sides to change their minds is close to zero. We dig even deeper into our initial positions and beliefs and no matter how good an argument is, it is not going to be received by the other side.</div>You can sense this happening when people rush to talk over one another.

Raising Your Voice

<ul>
<li>Slowing things down: take a deep breath before speaking, to create a pause, to reduce the tension and to open up the other person to your position.</li>
<li>Inflections: upward inflections are good for de-escalating conflict because they show you are not there to control and command.</li>
<li>The ability to crack a joke and the ability to take a joke and laugh make you more persuasive, give the impression of being on the same side and release the tension.</li>
</ul>

Releasing Tension

<div class="insight_content">When having arguments, avoid making statements and use questions instead. These tend to come across as less confrontational. Examples of questions:</div><ul><li>Genuine questions to better understand the other position. After you receive and answer to them, state back to the other person, in your own words, their beliefs, to confirm you actually get it.</li><li>Questions aimed at the inconsistencies of the other part, but in a non-accusatory way.</li></ul>

Asking Questions

When you're in the middle of an argument, frame your disagreements in the form of questions.
This gives the other person a chance to respond without feeling cornered and threatened.

The Socratic Method

<div>Use the " Yes, but..." technique: find agreement and follow your agreement up by showing when you disagree.</div>Finding any form of agreement is crucial in winning an argument, even if your position if perfectly logical. But you have to know exactly when you agree with someone (regarding which parts of their position) and when you don't.

Defending Yourself

<ul>
<li>In every argument, you are not necessarily right.</li>
<li>Adjusting your beliefs in the face of evidence does not diminish you.</li>
<li>If you did your part of trying to understand the other position and they are still wrong, this is never because they are evil, but because they are ignorant to a certain extent.</li>
</ul>

The Right Mindset

<div>"I don't want to destroy you. I want to engage with you. And I think ... if you have ideas you believe in, you should be willing to engage or you should be willing to test those ideas against somebody that you don't agree with."  </div>

Check out our podcast: https://bit.ly/2HkV85n Want to start a Global Language channel? Apply here: https://www.charismaoncommand.com/ytflc/ Subscribe to Charisma On Command’s YouTube Account: http://bit.ly/COC-Subscribe Sometimes arguments can get heated and spiral out of control. So while we all want to win an argument, not making an enemy in the process can be even more important. Which is why today we’ll be looking at Trevor Noah and what you can learn from him about coming out of verbal scruffs not only on top, but looking cool calm and collected. ⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰ 0:28 - #1: Sub-communicate that you're not there for a fight. 3:46 - #2: Ask questions instead of making statements. 6:39 - #3: Confidently defend yourself without coming across as antagonistic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #TrevorNoah #CharismaOnCommand -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Connect with us further: Website: http://www.charismaoncommand.com Facebook: http://facebook.com/charismaoncommand Instagram: @CharismaOnCommand Or if you want to see our personal stuff: Instagram: @CharlieHoupert Instagram: @IamBenAltman

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Sometimes arguments can get heated and spiral out of control. So while we all want to win an argument, not making an enemy in the process can be even more important. 
 
Which is why today we’ll be looking at Trevor Noah and what you can learn from him about coming out of verbal scruffs not only on top, but looking cool calm and collected.
 
 
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰ 
 
0:28 - #1: Sub-communicate that you're not there for a fight.
3:46 - #2: Ask questions instead of making statements.
6:39 - #3: Confidently defend yourself without coming across as antagonistic.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 #TrevorNoah #CharismaOnCommand
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
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How To Be Stoic During An Argument

How To Win An Argument Without Making Enemies

<ul>
<li>You already know who you want to address your writing to. This helps release unexplored emotions towards this person and dig deeper into your inner self. </li>
<li>You cannot be interrupted. You focus on what you want to say without the fear of judgment, any kind of disturbance, and you're conscious of what you're writing down. </li>
<li>It may help you heal unresolved feelings and conflicts with your addressee. Your audience will be able to feel the intimacy you want to present.</li>
</ul>

Benefits of Letter Writing

From Franz Kafka to Bob Dylan, history shows that letter writing can be a portal to discovery that benefits a wide variety of projects.

Letter Writing as a Powerful Prompt | Jane Friedman

If you ever say "yes", when you want to say "no", or nod in agreement when you don't agree, you've probably experienced people pleasing.
People-pleasing is linked to a person's self-worth. A people pleaser hopes that saying yes will help him/her feel liked, but this could lead to feeling burned out, or cause unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.
The good news is that behavior can be changed. It is not easy, but making small changes will bring the desired result.

Being a people-pleaser

People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.
It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change. Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Take note of each time you do them and figure out how you will change it next time.

Develop Awareness Of Your Behavior

When you label yourself with "I am...," it has the potential to become your identity. "I am a people pleaser. I am not liked." 
Never describe yourself as a people pleaser. Instead, describe your behavior as you make a decision to change it.

Drop the Label

When we get clear on who we really are and what we stand for, we have a strong sense of self.
If you have been pleasing others for a long time, you may have lost sight of what is important to you. You may not have an opinion of your own.
Find out what your core values are - what aspects of your life are most important to you. Our values drive every decision and choice. Your values will assist you to say "no" when you mean "no."

Become Clear On Who You Are

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits and your habits become your values.”

You have a set of beliefs behind each one of your values. If your beliefs around your values are too general, they can prevent you from changing your people-pleasing habits.
For example, "I am always there for people who need me" is too general and could include every person. "Always" implies no exception to that rule. When you adjust those beliefs to "I do my best to be there for my loved ones and friends," you have allowed space for exceptions.

Beliefs And Values

If we always say "yes" to others, we are saying "no" to ourselves. We lose sight of our own priorities and instead live by other people's standards. Saying "no" at first may bring feelings of guilt. But "no" is just a word.
You may find it difficult to say no or may fear to disappoint the other people. Because of this, you may try to find lengthy excuses for why you can't help with their request. You don't owe an explanation, but it can feel easier to give one.

The Word "No"

Decide to pause before you respond. It could prevent you from responding the usual way. If you are unsure of how you would like to respond, let the person know you will get back to them. Or let them know you will need to check your calendar first.
Don't beat yourself up for the times you slip up. Do notice where you make small changes and pat yourself on the back. Your confidence will increase with practice.

Pause Before Responding

Want to stop people pleasing? Insightful tips to move from people pleaser to building self worth, increasing confidence and speaking your truth.

How to Be a Stoic

Why Kids Make the Best Philosophers

The Three Requirements of a Good Relationship

How can I get better at arguments?

WATCH: How to Write an Ending Like The Godfather

Finley B.