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The New Long-Distance Relationship
The evolution of romantic communication
- Before video-chat and long-distance phone calls, written correspondence was used to exchange meaningful information. The goal was to write about the most important things that had happened since the last letter.
- Although the telephone was invented in the mid-19th century, it was only used for long-distance relationships in the 1970s, when the cost of phoning for pleasure instead of just business became affordable.
- The next major development in romantic communication was the internet. Email, instant messaging, and video-chatting were affordable for couples to share even the smallest details.
- Many couples today do "background Skype" where everyday living comes to the surface and add to a level of intimacy.
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Couples living apart
In 2000, a government survey showed that about 2.7 million married Americans lived apart from their spouse. The number rose to about 3.9 million in 2017.
Long-distance relationships today are different from 15 years ago. Economic and technological developments are making couple's love lives more closely resemble those who live together.
The evolution of romantic communication
- Before video-chat and long-distance phone calls, written correspondence was used to exchange meaningful information. The goal was to write about the most important things that had happened since the last letter.
- Although the telephone was invented in the mid-19th century, it was only used for long-distance relationships in the 1970s, when the cost of phoning for pleasure instead of just business became affordable.
- The next major development in romantic communication was the internet. Email, instant messaging, and video-chatting were affordable for couples to share even the smallest details.
- Many couples today do "background Skype" where everyday living comes to the surface and add to a level of intimacy.
The pressure to live apart
In the past, couples were more likely to accommodate only one partner's job - mostly the man's. But today, couples have dual-incomes, are well educated, professionally minded, and pursuing careers in separate places. It is contributing to the rise in long-distance relationships.
The pressure to live apart for work is worse for younger couples who are still establishing careers.
How well long-distance relationships work
Living apart is not a guarantee the relationship will come to an end. Long-distance relationships have powerful emotional and intimacy dynamics.
- Research found couples living in different places have more stable and committed relationships, but when they do start living together, they're more likely to break up than couples who lived together all along.
- Long-distance couples were more likely to idealize each other.
- They tend to fight less since there was less to fight about and less time to fight.
- They were also more likely to avoid conflict and withhold their real opinions.
When technology creates more opportunities
Communication technologies cannot reproduce the physical touch. It is also not suited for seeing how a partner treats other people.
However, studies show that the technological shift gives couples more opportunities to address potentially charged subjects and reduce idealization. Living apart over a long period gives some couples tools that help them deal with future conflicts.
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Key Ideas
Unresolved conflicts
The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth. The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes.
Being honest
The last person you should ever have to censor yourself with is the person you love.
It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel-good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right.
Being willing to end it
Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture.
Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
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You focus more on what's wrong
... rather than what's right.
You can focus on what a lazy, forgetful, good-for-nothing partner you have or you can see them as a wonderful and loving partne...
You'd rather be right
... than in love. Even though it may seem justified when your partner falls short or makes a mistake, choosing a righteous response will only damage trust and create lingering resentment.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. It builds up appreciation, good will and a desire to do even better to please you next time.
Don't make it about you
- Acknowledge that your partner has needs that also deserve to be met. Do your best to be the one who can help them meet their needs better than anyone else.
- When you take things personally and get your feelings hurt too easily, it closes off communication, makes problem-solving nearly impossible and leaves you both at risk. Look for the common ground instead of the insult.
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Go Sooner Than Later
Most couples don't consider counseling until a real crisis or a catastrophe appears.
It is better to go to couples counseling during a specific life event, strengthening some piece of a rela...
Finding The Right Therapist
Finding a suitable therapist, right for both the partners can take time. Take into consideration:
- Both partners are comfortable with the choice.
- Any preferences (gender or cultural background) are taken into account.
- It should be convenient to schedule an appointment with him, not interfering with other commitments too much.
- At least two kinds of counselors are spoken to, and then a decision taken.
- Check online for recommendations or ask for a referral within your friend circle.
Types of Therapies
A good therapist can utilize multiple approaches and will tailor the provided therapy based on the couple's needs. The common therapies are:
- Gottman Method: Focused on positive communication
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): helps couples with their emotional needs.
- Imago Relationship Therapy: Connecting new relationships with old ones.
- Other approaches like Hypnosis, sex therapy, etc.
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Rekindling the Fire
Many couples have reached a cozy state of companionship. The humdrumness of life affects the long-term relationship.
It is not uncommon to lose the 'fire' and is unrealistic to expect consis...
Love Progression
As the initial stage of love fades away, a deeper, richer sense of each other should take its place, and couples can find more ways to make things interesting and fun.
Look With New Eyes
Staying curious about each other and finding things, memories, places, and activities that are yet to be shared or experienced together is a great way to rekindle the relationship.
Revisiting your past and finding ways to connect better by looking at the other with 'new' eyes makes us see many things that were overlooked earlier.
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Self-understanding
To make a marriage work, you have to be the right person.
Rather than looking for the right partner, become aware of your blind spots, growing edges and vulnerabilities. Take r...
You can’t avoid marital conflict
Blaming, oversimplifying, and seeing oneself as a victim are all common traits of unhappy couples and failed marriages.
Conflicts should be approached by looking together at the problem.
A good marriage takes skill
Most of us don’t have adequate communication skills going into marriage. It is important to build this skill.
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Relationship app
A relationship app helps people to communicate.
- It can remind people to regularly connect during the day.
- It can be helpful to spark meaningful conversations for people who...
How relationship apps work
A relationship app does little things like sending you reminders to text your partner an expression of gratitude at a certain time of day. It can also guide you through how to start a conversation about, for instance, infidelity.
A relationship app is like a third, neutral party: It shows where a couple's needs and priorities differ. One app combines audio tracks and articles about psychology and marriage health, then translates them into exercises.
The shift in optimizing personal lives
People have started to approach their personal lives like a business.
Marriage spreadsheets can collect and analyze data on everything that might affect the quality of life - for instance, household chores, alone time or hours slept.Applications can act as a manager for children's time, or organize to-do lists and goals.
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Research On Our Partner Preferences
Our own partner preferences may not be fully understood by us.
- An organic study on peoples dating and partner choice indicated that one’s preferences, ideals and priorities t...
Real Life Vs Dream Life
People may not be communicating well about what they want in their partners or may have a lack of awareness, or even a myopic view of their life. Experiencing it for themselves is a better bet to find out what works.
The dreamy idols that make up our early stages of attractions, especially at a young age, do not translate into someone one can spend the entire life with, where mundane activities like picking up groceries and taking care of the kids take precedence over being handsome or inspiring.
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Rekindling Of An Old Flame
Breakups and subsequent renewals are quite common across all types of romantic relationships and even marriages.
Falling apart and then seeking to mend the old relationship seems to be dee...
The Protest Phase
When people experience breakups they go through the ‘protest’ phase initially, and the rejected lover becomes obsessed with winning back the person who has quit the relationship.
Rejection, paradoxically, makes the rejected person love the partner even more. This is called a ‘Frustration Attraction’, and can be categorized as an addiction.
Chemical Reactions
The rejected lover experiences high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, and are visibly stressed out. These chemical reactions trigger many to do crazy things to win their ex back. Such feelings are erased quickly if the lover starts dating a new partner.
Some people also feel increasingly passionate and loving after the breakup and are more likely to forgive their ex.
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Good Relationships Take Work
Merging your own ever-shifting life, needs and wants with those of another person takes work if it is to succeed.
How much work it actually takes might ebb and flow, but expect to inve...
Your Partner’s Flaws
Loving your partner's flaws is not always realistic. Some people have habits that are slightly disgusting and impossible to "love."
Simply accepting them and learning how to shrug them off and minimize their importance is much more realistic.
Going To Bed Angry
The context might be such that you just can’t solve a problem before bed. Be realistic and settle for an agreement to never go to bed without at least deciding when to continue the discussion or argument.
Also, some people actually need to cool down before they can continue a productive discussion, so taking a break could be wise.
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The Importance Of Commitment Signs
Correctly “reading” the signs of commitment in a potential long-term partner is crucial. When you don’t get solid information about commitment as things progress, you can miss important s...
1. What Does And What Doesn’t Signal Commitment.
- Wanting to have sex with someone.
- Wanting to have a baby with no other evidence of commitment like, say, marriage.
- Cohabitation.
- Being married.
2. Circumstances And Commitment.
For behavior to mean something about commitment, it must be behavior that the person has control over performing. If one's options are limited by the context their intentions cannot be read.
In the context of dating and mating, option constraints on you or your partner, limits the information contained in the choices you make. That means that some may routinely misinterpret the behavior of their partners as a signal of commitment when it isn’t.
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