Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met.Caretaking always consists of two parts:1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.Example: The story of gay graphic designer Reese.

Caretaking Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met

Caretaking1) Gives to others what the giver needs to give.2) Comes from a place of emptiness within the giver.3) Always has unconscious strings attached.Caring1) Gives to others what the receiver needs.2) Comes from a place of abundance within the giver.3) Has no strings attached.

Caring Vs. Caretaking

1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.2) When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful.3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.

The Victim Triangle

Having needs is part of being human.• Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority.• They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways.• Other people really do want to help them meet their needs.• This world is a place of abundance.

Taking Responsibility For Their Own Needs Helps Nice Guys Get Their Needs Met

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.• They are not bad.• They don't have to do anything to win other people's approval.• They don't have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes.• People can love them just as they are.

Shedding Old Skin

They increase the likelihood of getting what they need and wantThey can give judiciously — giving what people really need.• They can give without resentment and expectation.• They become less needy.• They become more attractive.

Benefits of Nice guys putting themselves first

Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves.Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy's core belief about himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy's worth with new, more realistic ones.

Affirming Self

Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.This paradigm shift is always terrifying for recovering Nice Guys. The idea of making their needs a priority feels like the quickest route to being disliked, unloved, and all alone.

Becoming Truly Selfish

When Nice Guys try to hide their humanity from others, they reinforce their core belief that they are bad and unlovable. Changing this core belief requires that they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and receive more accurate messages than the ones internalized in childhood.By necessity, this process requires a safe person or group.This process begins by just talking about himself.

Revealing Self

Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves.Examples:• Exercise, work out, go for a walk.• Eat healthy food.• Get enough sleep.• Relax, play, goof off.• Get a massage.• Go out with buddies.• Buy a new pair of shoes.• Get shoes polished.• Get dental work done.• Get a physical.• Listen to music.

Self Care

When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are and what they like about themselves, do what they want without having to please or compromise and face their number one fear —loneliness and isolation.Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible.

Spending Time Alone

Debunks the "nice guy syndrome," the need to please others at one's own expense with the hope of receiving happiness, love, and fulfillment, and offers advice for how to rediscover oneself, revive one's sex life, and build better relationships with others.

books

Books

Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

Dr. Robert Glover is the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan For Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life (Running Press, 2003) and Dating Essentials for Men: The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need. Dr. Glover is the creator of Dating Essentials for Men and the director of TPI University.