Clemente V.'s Key Ideas from No More Mr. Nice Guy!
by Robert A. Glover

When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are and what they like about themselves, do what they want without having to please or compromise and face their number one fear —loneliness and isolation.

Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible.

When Nice Guys try to hide their humanity from others, they reinforce their core belief that they are bad and unlovable. Changing this core belief requires that they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and receive more accurate messages than the ones internalized in childhood.

By necessity, this process requires a safe person or group.

This process begins by just talking about himself.

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.

• They are not bad.

• They don't have to do anything to win other people's approval.

• They don't have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes.

• People can love them just as they are.

Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met.

Caretaking always consists of two parts:

1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to

2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.

Example: The story of gay graphic designer Reese.

Caretaking

1) Gives to others what the giver needs to give.

2) Comes from a place of emptiness within the giver.

3) Always has unconscious strings attached.

Caring

1) Gives to others what the receiver needs.

2) Comes from a place of abundance within the giver.

3) Has no strings attached.

1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return.

2) When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful.

3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse.

Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.

Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.

This paradigm shift is always terrifying for recovering Nice Guys. The idea of making their needs a priority feels like the quickest route to being disliked, unloved, and all alone.

They increase the likelihood of getting what they need and want

They can give judiciously — giving what people really need.

• They can give without resentment and expectation.

• They become less needy.

• They become more attractive.

Having needs is part of being human.

• Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority.

• They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways.

• Other people really do want to help them meet their needs.

• This world is a place of abundance.