Good therapy can be an incredibly powerful and transformative experience, but it’s often not a very positive experience.Sometimes this is the therapist’s fault. Many therapists are not trained well enough or have so much of their own personal baggage or odd personality quirks that they can’t be very helpful.Sometimes this is the client’s fault. They go into therapy hoping for some kind of quick, simple solution and then quickly give up when that doesn’t happen that way.But the most common reason therapy doesn’t “work” is because there isn’t a good fit between the therapist and the client.

Finding The Right Match For Your Therapy

Don’t worry too much about whether your therapist is a psychiatrist or psychologist, has a PsyD, MSW, or PhD. It’s important that they are licensed. And that they have experience and training appropriate to your goals. Pay more attention to personal factors like personality, communication style, and how you feel when you interact with them.

Credentials Are Overrated

There’s no easy way to find a therapist who will be a good match for you. Like dating, it’s largely a numbers game. You need reps experiencing different people and styles to find what works for you. So don’t be afraid to talk with someone a handful of times and move on if it’s not a good fit. Also, if possible, try test driving multiple therapists at the same time. Eventually, you’ll probably want to settle on one. But it can be very helpful to “interview” multiple people initially.

Be Prepared to Go for Some Test Drives

There is one majore common factor seen over and over again in particularly good therapists: They’re able (and willing) to provide both comfort and challenge. When you’re with them you feel supported, understood, and genuinely cared about. And at the same time, they’re not afraid to be direct, honest, and to push you even when it’s difficult or uncomfortable. They care deeply about the relationship, but they’re willing to risk it to help you succeed.

Look for the 2Cs: Comfort and Challenge

You are responsible for doing most of the work in therapy. A great therapist helps you do the work—but they can’t do it for you. Many people make bad decisions choosing therapists because, deep down, they’re looking for a magician who will offer some secret insight or hand them a special tool that will solve their problems. This is a very dangerous mindset to get into therapy with. You’re looking for a trainer—someone who will guide and support you in doing the very hard work that only you can do.

Don’t Expect to Be Saved or Fixed

It’s common to come across therapists who describe themselves as eclectic, meaning they use a variety of tools and approaches from different schools of thought and modalities. This isn’t bad necessarily. And having a therapist who’s open-minded and not dogmatically tied to a particular theoretical position is a good thing. But “eclectic” is often code for someone who is basically throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks. Not good. You want a therapist who’s flexible; but you also want someone with conviction and a point of view.

Be Careful of “eclectic” Therapists

An initial consultation is a chance for them to learn about you and your goals and make sure it’s a good fit for them. But this is also your opportunity to interview your therapist and figure out if they’re a good fit for you. So be bold and ask lots of questions: How would you describe your approach to therapy? How directive or structured are you in therapy? How frequently do you work with people like me? How long do you think therapy will last? Get insights from the answers your therapist provides and then proceed further.

Interviewing Your Therapist

Keep in mind that how they answer your interview questions is at least as important as what they say. Keep a close eye out for <a href="https://nickwignall.com/defensiveness/">defensiveness</a>… If you ask your therapist a question about themselves and they get defensive, that’s a huge red flag—and sadly, more common than you would think.

The Red Flag: Getting Defensive

Many people avoid starting therapy or test driving lots of therapists because they’re understandably hesitant to dredge up all the painful details of their past over and over again to complete strangers. But you don’t have to get into all of that right away. Some context about your background is helpful for the therapist initially. But it’s totally normal for a person’s history to unfold over weeks or even months of therapy. Therapists need to earn trust just like anyone else.

You Don’t Have to Explain Your Life Story Right Away

Like it or not, therapy is a marketplace. This means if a therapist is in demand enough to avoid all the hassles of working with insurance companies, they probably will. And while demand for a therapist isn’t a guarantee of talent or quality, it’s actually a pretty good signal. Of course, even an extremely talented therapist isn’t necessarily going to be a good fit for you. But all other things being equal, it certainly helps.

Many of The Best Therapists Don’t Take Insurance

This is especially true of the initial “pre-work” of researching, interviewing, and test-driving different therapists. Remember, there’s nothing magical about therapy. People who benefit from therapy long-term are usually the ones who are willing to stick with it. Not necessarily with one therapist for years and years, but stick with the process. If one therapist isn’t working, they’re willing to move on and try someone else. And they’re willing to be honest about their own motivations, expectations, and frustrations, and how they might be impacting their progress.

What You Sow Is What You Reap

Many people get more benefits out of a <a href="https://nickwignall.com/10-self-help-books-that-might-actually-help/">good self-help book</a> at the right time than years of psychotherapy. For some, medication seems to work more effectively than therapy. Others just need a real friend, not a therapist. Frequently, there are major environmental or structural factors in your life that therapy isn’t in a position to do much about. Therapy can even be a form of avoidance or too easily lead to codependency in certain people.

Therapy Is Not Always the Answer

Set your expectations right about improving your mental health.

It's hard to find a great therapist. In this article I give 12 tips for finding a therapist based on years working as a therapist myself.

Stashed ideas

How to Find a Great Therapist - Nick Wignall

Advocates of the approach “don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions” believe it increases empowerment, helps employees manage up and boosts careers. However, it is fraught with challenges. <ul><li>Not every problem has a quick solution. </li><li>Solution-only thinking creates a culture of advocacy instead of inquiry, where each person wants their own particular solution instead of considering multiple perspectives.</li><li>Employees may shut down in fear, breed a culture of intimidation, and prevent raising serious problems.</li></ul>

The “bring me a solution” approach

<ul><li>Make it safe: Change your behaviour so that people won't be afraid of giving you bad news. When you receive bad news, pause, paraphrase the concern, then ask quations about the problem.</li><li>Require problem statements instead of complaints. People need to learn how to distinguish between raising a valid concern or just complaining. Complaints lack accountability and have villains and heroes, whereas problem statements provide objective facts.</li><li>Find the right person to solve the issue or coach them on how to think about the situation and broaden potential solutions.</li></ul>

Encourage your team to bring up problems in a more productive way

Three ways to encourage a culture of communication.

The Problem with Saying “Don’t Bring Me Problems, Bring Me Solutions”

The default mode in your company or organisation you're part of dictates a lot of dynamics inside an organisation on three main levels:<ul><li>Personal default mode. Every person has a default mode at work. It is their comfort zone of what they do the most, such as talking or working on a computer.</li><li>Processes. Companies need hardcoded processes. When the process works and people's default mode aligns with the process, the company works well together.</li><li>Company culture. The default mode of how people behave in an organisation.</li></ul>

Default mode

Think about what modes you have in your company? What modes do your colleagues have? For example, in an office, the main modes would be "talking with people" and "doing things on a computer." If you do more talking, your main responsibilities are possibly passing information, organizing people, making decisions. You are most likely in a leadership position. If you spend more time with a computer, you probably do the actual work.

Personal default mode

<ul>
<li> People require more effort and control to do a task or activity that's not part of their default mode. If you need someone to do something outside of their default mode, start with small steps and slowly introduce the new activity.</li>
<li>When hiring people, try to identify what's their personal default mode. Ask what their typical day at work looked like? What tasks would they prefer to avoid?</li>
<li>When there are no clear goals and instructions, most people focus on doing what they're good at or most comfortable with instead of what the company needs. E.g. overengineering in tech companies.</li>
</ul>

Implications of the personal mode

Most organisations need hardcoded processes for the company to work as a well functioning machine.  However, processes create habits. People who carry out processes stop thinking critically. When processes are too strict without a degree of autonomy and feedback, the organisation will run on old habits.

Processes are a double-edged sword

There are acceptable default behaviours, "how we do things here" which people learn through osmosis and which can become habitual. If an organisation is not pro-actively defining its culture, it will assume whatever default modes there happen to be. For example:<ul><li>Do people trust their colleagues by default or exercise caution?</li><li>What's the default atmosphere in the organisation? Are people excited to show up at work?</li><li>Do people care about their work, or do they just tick checkboxes?</li></ul>

Company culture

Designing a company culture is essential in any organisation. Whatever is the default mode will rule.

The Invisible Dictator

At work, we’ve all seen how tense relationships can create conflict and negatively impact performance. Given that 70% of employees say that work friends are crucial to their happiness on the job, learning how to better navigate these tensions is a sound investment of your time. We’re complex social creatures with our own values and beliefs about how people should behave. We all have unconscious biases that determine how we think and feel about everything, from gender to race. Many of these biases have a significant impact on who we get along with and who we find difficult or annoying.

Working with people with don't like

We can dislike someone without even knowing why, and then look for evidence to make ourselves right. This is known as confirmation or myside bias. But the most successful and happy people find healthy ways to work with personalities they wouldn’t otherwise choose to have in their life — professionally, socially, and within their own family. So, if you want that person in the office to be less obnoxious, or you want to stop feeling anxious whenever you have a meeting with them, you need to first take a look at yourself.

Take a look at yourself

If someone is rude to you in a meeting, do you assume that they don’t like you, or do you remove yourself from the situation and consider that they could just be having a bad day?Don’t succumb to childlike behaviors (getting thoughtlessly defensive or ignoring that person out of spite) and try to identify behaviors that will serve you (and them).These include removing yourself from unproductive conversations, confronting someone respectfully and privately to discuss a problem before it grows, or setting clearer boundaries around your time and expectations.

Be the grown-up

Find what you can appreciate about the person you dislike; nearly everyone has strengths and skills that can be utilized. Maybe they’re really good at lateral thinking or have amazing attention to detail, or perhaps their strength is bringing humor to the room when people need it most.Don’t dilute your own brand by being anything less than respectful to people who are different than yourself. The best employees recognize that diversity is key to solving difficult problems and innovating.

Respect people for what they bring to the table

If you’re holding a grudge against someone, expecting them to be late to meetings or to miss deadlines, you’ll likely find the evidence you’re looking for. That’s your confirmation bias at play.
When someone annoys you, rather than focusing on what they’re doing wrong, think about how you’re reacting. Be aware of your triggers, writing down what you’re reacting to and why. Once you know what’s triggering you, you can decide if it’s something you can let go of, or if it’s something you need to address with the person in a well-thought-through conversation.

Don’t focus on the negatives

Look for the good in this person and try to initiate positive conversations with them about topics you can both contribute to, such as project achievements and organizational successes. Try to differentiate between the person and their behaviors. By focusing on the person and identifying a trait that you both value, like trust, you’ll be less inclined to dwell on the external behavior you dislike, such as their proclivity to interrupt. This will enable a more respectful and harmonious relationship.

Try to connect

Perhaps you need to change the way you’re working with the person you dislike, whether by spending more time helping them build a skill, connecting them with others in the organization, or giving them meaningful feedback on their work.Focus on the things you can do to help them succeed, keeping in mind that their success is your success. Top of mind should be the organizational vision and what’s needed to get there. Invest time in making sure that the difficult person knows their role, has a sense of belonging, and is clear about what success looks like for everyone.

Be strategic

Getting along with difficult people is not the same as justifying or turning a blind eye to what is unacceptable, such as bullying or discrimination. But if they’re simply rubbing you up the wrong way, offering viewpoints that are different to your own, or holding fast to an issue that will dissipate over time, you should probably let it slide.In the end, we so often feel the need to be right. That’s our egos at play. The key lies in being empathetic, looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective, and being curious rather than judgmental.

Pick your battles

It’s going to happen sooner or later — here are six ways to deal.

How to Work with Someone You Really Don’t Like

Physical presence does play a large part in moving our projects forward. Managing a project remotely requires a diligent and transparent approach to keep track and maintain the various tasks, deadlines and processes.
It's important to deploy a project management tool, assigning each different task to all the team members. Have regular check-ins and status update meetings. Having a singular place for distributing information ensures that team members do not complain that they were not updated or didn’t know where the specific file was.

A Central Management Tool

Creating accountability is a great way to manage the work remotely. Accountability is shifted to the teammates, who are now supposed to be responsible for their own work and decisions.
One way to build accountability in remote teams is to assign groups and let teammates hold each other responsible. Also make teammates share their work experience and any issues they face, publicly (within the team) so that it acts as a ready solution for others, reducing repeat work.

Keep teammates accountable

Even if the team is small, document, formalize and map each process, making it scalable and automatic.
Standard Operating Procedures, if used correctly in a remote setting, can act like a central nervous system.

Document Everything

Open channels of communication are imperative in managing remote work. Effective communication is the single most important part of handling a remote setting, and is also the most challenging.
Use your favourite software, like Slack or Microsoft Teams and ensure that everyone adheres to the same.

Open Channels

Asynchronous communication happens when you are not forced to respond to each and every ‘ping’ in real time. Its benefits:
<ul>
<li>Communication becomes less ‘urgent’. It makes for less firefighting and more ‘deep work'.</li>
<li>Conversations are meaningful and are not ‘hurried’.</li>
<li>Quick movement of teams.</li>
<li>More transparency.</li>
<li>Less work stress.</li>
</ul>

Asynchronous Communication

<ol>
<li>Allow Offline work, so that team members do some real work.</li>
<li>Use the right communication tool.</li>
<li>Minimize status meetings, as they are mostly a waste of time.</li>
<li>Make Transparency the default setting.</li>
<li>Overcommunicate to make sure all the pieces of information are in place and known to all.</li>
<li>Adapt, as you grow in scale, as what is working for 5 people won’t work for 500.</li>
</ol>

Best Practices for Communicating Asynchronously

Trusting your remote coworkers is the only way for it to succeed. Trust the employees and use empathy. Do not assume the worst.
To avoid any communication breakdown, always overcommunicate and ensure questions are asked and answered.

Overcommunicate and Trust

If there is no response to a request, it is crucial to figure out if everything is ok, after a stipulated amount of time( according to the urgency of the task). Many people can feel isolated and as monotony sets in, some can withdraw or stop contributing.
Regular interaction can minimize the ‘no response’ problem. Setting up partners to look after each other for a project completion is also a great way to ensure productivity.

The "No Response" Situation

Multiple complex projects require juggling of conflicting priorities, making it a challenge to meet deadlines, and separating urgent work from important work.
The way to look at priorities is to step back and see a birds eye view of the overall objective that is to be achieved. Add resources or delegate as needed.

Conflicting Priorities

Remote projects can include communication challenges, collaboration issues, and accountability blunders. Here’s how to course correct when things go wrong.

Career

What To Do When Remote Projects Go Awry - Ambition & Balance

We know that even the best goal in the world means little without action. Another variable that can be missed is that our minds are wired to welcome and resist change.
When we set goals, we become attached to how the path to the goal will look. Then, when we encounter obstacles, we don't feel like sticking to the goal.

We like setting goals more than reaching them

Setting a goal releases dopamine and inspires you to take action. Dopamine is high when we set a goal and again when the end is in sight. The greater the reward, the bigger the dopamine spike. However, in the middle phase, dopamine is absent, explaining why you feel less motivated.

Your brain on goals

<ul><li>Steady, slow progress. Speedy progress is difficult to keep on fueling. Instead, regularly add tasks into your calendar and keep up with it.</li><li>Focus on behaviours first, then goals. Steady behaviours will outperform the shiniest bite-sized goals.</li><li>Even if you might be able to do great things by yourself, don't. Try to find people that can keep you accountable and inspired.</li></ul>

How to increase your chances of success

A variable that often gets overlooked is how our brains are wired to both welcome and resist change.


Why you love setting goals more than pursuing them, according to science

The pandemic normalised remote working, and despite the fears of most organisations, there was no demonstrable loss of productivity.
Now, the global workforce wants to retain increased flexibility as societies open up again. Yet, many organisations are resisting this more flexible future. They argue that employees' wellbeing is compromised by remote working, for example, Zoom fatigue.

Normalising remote work

The problem is that although most office workers are currently working from home, they still work in an office-centric manner. Most of our work practices are based around location: when we work, where we work, how we work. Worse is that these practises were designed decades ago. The pandemic has given us the unique opportunity to question these structures.

Remote work itself is not the issue

<ul><li>The "when" of work. The 9-5 workday was formalised for factory workers by Henry Ford in 1926. Most of us don't work in factories. Moreover, the linear day is unsuitable for the remote environment.</li><li>The "where" of work. The dominance of the office was needed in a time without home internet or laptops. We are long past needing to prove that work can be done away from employer-owned space.</li><li>The "how" of work. It is an assumption that a meeting is the best way to collaborate. This idea comes from the 1950s. Collaboration can happen asynchronously.</li></ul>

Rethinking the "when", "where", "how" of work

The outdated, office-centric work designs are making us tired. We are working within systems that are not built for our current environment. Reverting back to the office full time is also not the answer. We need to stop designing work around location and start designing work around human behaviour. Data shows that employees will work better, stay at their organisation longer and keep healthier.

Designing work around human  behaviour

Do we need to go to offices? Work 9 to 5? At this unique moment in history, employers can rethink everything, says researcher Alexia Cambon

The problem isn’t remote working – it’s clinging to office-based practices | Alexia Cambon

Many young people working in the corporate sector have innovative, big ideas that can bring substantial change in their organizations and even in the world. The barriers they come across are equally large.An entry-level employee had limited connections and leverage, unable to make any big decisions. Those having power and status in the organization have their own beliefs and assumptions, apart from the usual arrogance of position. Often these powerful people are causing roadblocks.To get over this challenge, we need to work with those in power, making them listen and believe in us.

Big Ideas By Small People

We need to look at the kind of idea we plan to propose and figure out who would have the power to implement the same. Study the power dynamics of your company using the RACI matrix:
<ol>
<li>Responsible: People in charge of completing a task or activity.</li>
<li>Accountable: People signing off work and giving approval.</li>
<li>Consulted: People giving input to the group getting the work done.</li>
<li>Informed: People waiting for updates on the status, and on the decisions getting made.</li>
</ol>

Find The Person You Need

We need the person with decision making power, and that is often divided among a small group of people in high positions. 
Executives having decision-making powers also look for engagement initiatives, peer support and market data before making a final decision.

The Big Guy Is Hard To Get

After the decision-maker is identified, we need to find a ‘champion’, mostly a middle-level employee who can bring your ideas and thoughts to high-level meetings that you may not be invited to.If the idea is small, the problem may be solved easily, but if it is a large, disruptive idea, we may need someone who has power and influence over those in high positions.We may first need to build trust in our chosen champion, making him or her respect you as a professional, and believe in your credibility.

Choose Your Champion

Before pitching the idea to our champion, we need to stress-test it, creating a robust pitch that does not have holes or logic gaps.One can gather feedback from multiple stakeholders or someone in the team which is directly impacted by the proposal.Stakeholders may add or subtract from our pitch as they have access to certain information that may not be available to us.

Doing Your Homework

Pitch the idea to the champion with a clear objective, purpose and a strong backing of numbers and evidence. Identify the audience and how they are going to pay attention(which is costly in today’s world) to the new-fangled idea. Focus less on theory and more on implementation.

A Compelling Pitch

Once the idea is pitched to the champion, we would either get a thumbs up or we won’t. <ul><li>If this hurdle is cleared, work towards how to present the idea to the big guys, which is now the champion’s job. Work with someone who has access to the schedules of the senior management.</li><li>If the idea didn’t go well with the champion, work with them to know what went wrong and how we can pivot the concept.</li></ul>

Following Up And Following Through

Navigating through all the obstacles to get your idea to the big guys isn’t a cakewalk, and patience is key here. What may help you is:<ol><li>Careful Observation.</li><li>Smart Communication.</li><li>Active Listening.</li><li>Strategic decision-making.</li><li>Persistence.</li></ol>

Bottom Line For Success

Ask yourself, “Who has the power to make this happen?”

How to Get Your Big Ideas Noticed By the Right People

Personal competence:<ul><li>Self-Awareness: perceive your emotions and stay aware of them as they happen.</li><li>Self-Management: use awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and positively direct your behavior.</li></ul>Social competence:<ul><li>Social Awareness: pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on.</li><li>Relationship Management: use awareness of your emotions and the others’ emotions to manage interactions successfully.</li></ul>

The 4 core skills of emotional intelligene

Emotional intelligence is the strongest predictor of performance.Your emotional intelligence is the foundation for a host of critical skills—it impacts most everything you do and say each day.

EQ and performance

When emotional intelligence first appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70% of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into what many people had always assumed was the sole source of success-IQ.

Why You Need More Emotional Intelligence

<ul>
<li>It is inevitable to disagree with colleagues, bosses and coworkers at work.</li>
<li>People deploy varied techniques and styles when they clash with their work colleagues, but there are no guidelines on how we work through the conflict.</li>
<li>It also depends on if we are trying to ensure that the relationship isn’t damaged, or just focused on getting the result.</li>
<li>It is all about priorities, and being successful in hustling with others can lead to success at the cost of being alienated by others and losses in the long term.</li>
</ul>

The People We Argue With At Work

Competitors focus on the result, and have an assertive and uncooperative working style. 
They can make people give-in to their demands by their imposing, aggressive nature, but even if they get the results they want and do well in their jobs, their conflict style makes people hostile towards them, leading to lack of teamwork and idea sharing.

Conflict Style: The Competitor

Collaborators take everyone’s ideas into account and try to reach a consensus. This mode of conflict may sound idealistic, but there are some pitfalls. Collaborators can start being manipulative and less transparent about everyone’s input. They can also promise to everyone but then be unable to keep the promise, leading to distrust.
Collaborators need to be transparent and set the right expectations to their co-workers.

Conflict Style: The Collaborator

The always obliging accommodators yield too much, sacrificing their own needs in the process. They start to be pushovers, as people take advantage of their accommodating nature.
The way for them to say a ‘no’ to an unfair request is to say: ‘That doesn’t work for me.’

Conflict Style: The Accommodator

Dealmakers negotiate both ways and bargain to get results, even if there is some compromise involved. They know that neither party can get exactly what they want, and move towards the middle path.
Dealmakers can also make false promises and be less honest about the long-term facts, so it is good to read the fine print.

Conflict Style: The Dealmaker

Some coworkers see a problem and address it is to a person higher up, with more power. They think raising problems with superiors will get the clout and power they need or will lead to a quick resolution. Whatever their intention, no one likes someone going behind their back and this tactic often backfires.
Though it is a good strategy for addressing conflicts like harassment or toxic work environments, involving higher-ups for simple disagreements is just a waste of time and energy.

Conflict Style: The Up-And-Over Arguer

A person avoiding conflicts will ensure the work relationship does not turn sour, and will let conflicts go. While it may make things easy, their own voice is stifled, and their silence comes off as inaction. 
If we see a coworker completely avoiding arguments, we may need to probe a little so that we know what they need.

Conflict Styles: Conflict-Avoiding Arguer

Some personality types argue for the sake of it. The problem may be personal, fake or non-existent, but they cannot be upfront about that. The argument is part of their deception to cover the real problem.
One needs to see through them and find out the real reasons why they are talking in circles.

Conflict Styles: The Devil’s Advocate

Everyone has a preferred style for arguing. Are you a compromiser, competitor or collaborator?

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

Ryan V.
@ryan_rvv

How to Find a Great Therapist - Nick Wignall

The Problem with Saying “Don’t Bring Me Problems, Bring Me Solutions”

The Invisible Dictator

How to Work with Someone You Really Don’t Like

What To Do When Remote Projects Go Awry - Ambition & Balance

Bite-sized knowledgeto upgradeyour career

Ryan V.@ryan_rvv

How to Find a Great Therapist - Nick Wignall

The Problem with Saying “Don’t Bring Me Problems, Bring Me Solutions”

The Invisible Dictator

How to Work with Someone You Really Don’t Like

What To Do When Remote Projects Go Awry - Ambition & Balance

Bite-sized knowledge
to upgrade
your career

Ryan V.
@ryan_rvv