6 Signs Your Self-Control Issues Come From Childhood Neglect

You may notice this voice in your head, especially around the holidays, with so much celebration and abundance of food, drink, and temptation (or the excuse to be tempted). If it’s tough for you to moderate or control your impulses around pleasure, you may have an insufficient self-control schema .

You may have a hard time managing this impulsive part; it can be stronger and louder than any more responsible voice and just takes over. Some people call it "getting a case of the f*ck-its." How do you negotiate with "f*ck it"?

This impulsive voice may be powered by needs that originate in childhood. If that feeling could talk, it would say something like:

“I’ve been through too much, was treated poorly, and it’s unfair! So I deserve to do whatever I want to right now. I don’t care about the consequences! I need this to feel better, and I’m tired of going without it. I’ll just take care of myself and forget everyone else.”

You likely don’t experience this schema all the time. Certain life experiences may trigger it, however. Around the holidays, the schema may be looking for chances to pounce. You’ll know you’re in it if you have an inner voice that sounds like an impulsive child and you see the following behaviors:

1. Need for immediate gratification in food or substances
2. Avoiding hard or boring tasks
3. Acting out in relationships, pouting
4. Refusing to consider consequences

From birth, human beings are motivated to find relief from suffering, starting with the physical needs of safety, food, and comfort. As they mature, people experience emotional needs–especially the need for love, acceptance, and care–more acutely. If a child is in a situation of neglect or seriously flawed parenting , they may turn back to physical needs to try and feel security and comfort. Very often, this is food, but it can also be avoiding schoolwork and chores–just generally being self-indulgent.

Childhood experiences leading to insufficient self-control may include:

1. Not feeling safe in your environment
2. Disorganized or harsh parental authority/structure
3. Overly permissive parents
4. Emotionally detached parents
5. Parents with addiction
6. Childhood trauma

The most effective way to manage impulse control problems is by preventing them from getting triggered in the first place.

Think of it like this: you are a competent adult who is also carrying an impulsive child within. That child may be triggered by certain emotion-based troubles, like feeling neglected, treated unfairly, or hurt. Once that triggering happens, you have an upset child on your hands who won’t be happy until they get gratification.

So your job is to try and get to know that inner child, know what upsets them, and try to avoid their triggers. When triggers do happen, have some non-problematic forms of gratification at hand.

1. Structure, structure, structure. To avoid triggers, plan ahead, anticipating challenges that trigger the inner child. Are you having a long day? Demanding a lot of yourself? Plan little treats or breaks throughout the day. Think of them as micro-dosing of self-care.
2. Avoid opportunities for the child to act out. If you know someone’s bringing donuts to the office, go for a walk until the coast is clear.

3. Care for your inner child using self-talk and meditation . Start with small steps: just a few minutes of meditation a day. As you work your way up to longer meditation periods, you’ll notice that impulsive child trying to come out. ("Come on! This is stupid! It’s been long enough!”) Spend quality time with your inner child, explaining that you understand they are hurt and upset and that you'll take good care of them, and your way will help them more than acting out. Have patience and kindness, but be firm.

4. Develop a toolbox of healthy forms of gratification . Keep some kind of healthy snack at hand. Have a simple meditation practiced. Text a “buddy” who will help you cope. Have a music playlist for “emergencies.” Write a note to your triggered self to keep handy for later use when triggered.

5. Set goals , use a planner, and use smartphone notifications. If you’re going to a party, tell yourself you’ll stick to one kind of drink, and have a cut-off time in mind, then switch to seltzer with lime–whatever you like, but have that alternative planned. Use a planner to structure your time, so you don’t stumble into triggering experiences. Use your notifications and alerts for pop-up reminders.

6. Recover and keep going. We are not perfect, and we cause more trouble when we expect ourselves to be. Be OK with the fact that there will be times when that impulsive kid is unstoppable! Remember, they come out of an original context of a child trying to care for themself. Be compassionate with them, and allow yourself to recover from the acting out. Just get back to it when you can.

Insufficient self-control is not necessarily an addiction, though people with addiction issues may also have this schema. If you feel you may have an addiction issue, consult a mental health professional, or get help 24/7 by going here .