Mary-G 's Key Ideas from Beyond Reason
by Roger Fisher, Daniel Shapiro

Affiliation is the feeling of connection and belonging that we have with others. When we feel affiliated with someone, we are more likely to trust them and work with them cooperatively.

• Find common ground with the other person.
• Share personal information.
• Build rapport.
• Spend time together.
• Help each other out.

Everyone wants to feel a sense of control over their own lives. When we feel autonomous, we are more likely to be motivated and productive.

• Consult with them before making decisions.
• Give them options to choose from.
• Allow them to make their own mistakes.
• Respect their decisions, even if you disagree with them.

Status is the feeling of importance that we have in the eyes of others. When we feel respected, we are more likely to be cooperative and productive.

• Recognize their accomplishments.
• Give them credit for their contributions.
• Treat them with respect.
• Listen to their ideas.
• Include them in decision-making.

Our role is the part that we play in a group or organization. When we feel like our role is meaningful, we are more likely to be engaged and productive.

• Identify your strengths and interests.
• Find a role that aligns with your values.
• Take on challenging assignments.
• Make a difference in the world.

Venting is the act of expressing strong negative emotions in an uncontrolled way. While it may feel good in the moment, venting can actually make our emotions worse in the long run.

• Talk to a trusted friend or therapist.
• Write in a journal.
• Exercise.
• Meditation.

While many people assume that venting is a helpful way to get rid of strong negative emotions, it often leaves us and others angrier. As we create arguments demonstrating why we are right and others are wrong, we talk ourselves into a storm.

Venting can be helpful, but only to the extent that there is someone to moderate self-justifications and to keep in mind each party’s perspective of the situation.