Daring Greatly - Deepstash

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Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage.

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414 reads

Narcissism is linked to behaviors like feeling very important, needing constant praise, and lacking empathy. But what few realize is that shame causes these behaviors, not pride. Shaming narcissists more won't help them - it will likely make things worse.

Looking closely at certain behaviors is useful. But zooming out gives the full picture.

This shows the biggest influence is not narcissism, but a wider culture of scarcity. This scarcity mindset shapes how we think, act, and connect across all areas of life.

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The opposite of scarcity is wholeheartedness - accepting ourselves despite uncertainty, which requires vulnerability.

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Vulnerability is not weakness, it is courageously embracing uncertainty and emotion. True weakness comes from pretending to be invincible and shutting down feelings. Vulnerability requires mutual trust and healthy boundaries, it is not oversharing but appropriately opening up with those who've earned it.

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“When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity.”

BRENE BROWN

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Shame makes us feel flawed and unworthy, but we can overcome it by understanding shame, questioning expectations, connecting with others, and speaking openly. 

Shame drives unhealthy behaviors, but vulnerability and self-compassion heal shame. 

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Women and men both feel shame. But what makes them feel ashamed is different. 

For women, the biggest shame is about looks - not being pretty, thin, or young enough. 

For men, shame is failure, being wrong, defective, soft, or weak in any way. Men feel shame if they show fear, get ridiculed, or get pushed around. The main message for men is "Don't be weak."

Deviating from gender norms triggers shame. Women get shame for acting too strongly. Men get shame for showing emotion.

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We build shields like foreboding joy, perfectionism, and numbing to avoid vulnerability. But they prevent true connection. Embracing "enough" and self-compassion helps remove armor so we can live wholeheartedly and build trust through appropriate sharing.

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3 lessons on joy:

1) Joy comes in ordinary moments - don't miss them. 

2) Be grateful - don't take life for granted. 

3) Don't waste chances for joy - it builds resilience.

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Perfectionism is not healthy striving. It is a defense against shame and judgment. The belief is: If I'm perfect, I'll avoid pain and earn approval. But perfection doesn't exist, so it prevents growth.

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To avoid numbing, live wholeheartedly:

1) Feel your feelings. 

2) Stay mindful of numbing habits. 

3) Lean into discomfort. Also, set boundaries. 

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Minding the gap is a strategy focusing on the gap between practiced values (what we’re actually doing, thinking, and feeling) and aspirational values (what we want to do, think, and feel), involving cultural values, vulnerability, and shame resilience.

It's where we lose employees, clients, students, teachers, congregations, and even our own children.

Minding the gap is a daring strategy to reconnect and re-engage with children.

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THE BLAME GAME

Blame and shame stick together. Blaming happens when we're upset, letting out bad feelings on others. Fixing shame is important in places where blame happens a lot.

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To build shame-resilient organizations, four strategies are recommended:

  • supporting leaders, 
  • identifying shame-functioning areas, 
  • normalizing and 
  • training employees.

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Leaders should accept discomfort as normal. Look at strengths and weaknesses together to understand yourself. Have courage to improve.

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There’s nothing more important than having the courage to say, ‘I don’t know,’ and ‘I messed up’—being honest and open is key to success in every part of our lives.”

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Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.

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In terms of teaching our children to dare greatly in the “never enough” culture, the question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”

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Compassion and connection—the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives—can only be learned if they are experienced.

And our families are our first opportunities to experience these things.

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Fitting in and Belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

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Engagement means investing time and energy. It means sitting down with our children and understanding their worlds, their interests, and their stories.

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Hope isn’t an emotion; it’s a way of thinking or a cognitive process.

Hope happens when:

- We have the ability to set realistic goals

- We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals

- We believe in ourselves.

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Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict, learn how to assert themselves, and have the opportunity to fail. If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.

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CURATED BY

selfhelpmaven

Cultivating Mind & Growth • Books • Psychology • Meditation • Money • Book Summaries & Recommendations .

CURATOR'S NOTE

22 Lessons from Daring Greatly

Curious about different takes? Check out our Daring Greatly Summary book page to explore multiple unique summaries written by Deepstash users.

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