If you're often complaining about your workplace or romantic relationships, there's a high chance that you're not communicating what you want to happen differently. This leads to resentment and it damages your relationships.Instead, you should be honest about your desires and boundaries and ask for what you want. Even if you don't get what you want, you'll maintain your integrity and your relationships will improve over time.

Ask for what you want to avoid resentment

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Articulate what you want → Get clear on what you want to happen and why you want it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Ask for what you want → Don’t expect others to read your mind. Ask clearly and directly, while being open to their response.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Accept the response → Sometimes you won't get what you want. Treat it as an opportunity to get curious, iterate and try again.</li></ol>

How to ask for what you want

View it as a sign that you need to change your approach to get a Yes. Don't under-accept or over-accept it. This means neither treating it as invalid and refusing to learn from it, nor treating it as too valid, to the point where you assume you'll always hear No's in the future.

How to accept a refusal

Ask for what you want to avoid getting caught up in your partner's whims and wishes and ending up frustrated

Kenneth Berger coaches startup leaders on how to prevent burnout, advocate for their desired lifestyle, and make a meaningful impact on the world. He’s spent more than 20 years in the tech industry, is a former founder backed by top investors, and was the first product manager at Slack. Kenneth’s core mission is to help startup leaders change the world by learning to ask for what they want, living with integrity, and building genuine relationships even with the people they find most challenging. Currently he is writing a book, Ask for What You Want, in which he aims to share his actionable strategies for creating change in the world. In our conversation, we explore: • Why asking for what you want is so impactful • Three steps to effectively ask for what you want • Challenges that arise when people struggle to ask for what they want • Why hearing “no” is a normal part of the process • The “dream behind the complaint” technique for uncovering desires • Kenneth’s experience of being fired three times from Slack • How embracing fear and discomfort is key to getting what you want • Why discipline is overrated — Brought to you by: • ⁠Sidebar⁠—Accelerate your career by surrounding yourself with extraordinary peers • ⁠Webflow⁠—The web experience platform • ⁠Vanta⁠—Automate compliance. Simplify security — Find the transcript and references at: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/ask-for-what-you-want-kenneth-berger — Where to find Kenneth Berger: • X: https://twitter.com/kberger • Threads: https://www.threads.net/@kberger • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kberger/ • Website: https://kberger.com/ — Where to find Lenny: • Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com • X: https://twitter.com/lennysan • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/ — In this episode, we cover: (00:00) Kenneth’s background (04:31) The importance of asking for what you want (06:36) Challenges that arise when people struggle to ask for what they want (08:09) A personal example of failing to ask for what you want (09:17) Signs this is a skill you need to work on (10:49) How to get better at knowing what you want (15:28) Why hearing “no” is a normal part of the process (17:29) Getting a “yes” vs. a “hell yes” (19:20) Step 1: Articulate what you want (24:07) Doing an integrity check (26:56) Step 2: Ask for what you want intentionally (30:45) Understanding your influence (34:48) Using complaints as inspiration (36:24) Internal family systems (38:00) Giving feedback (41:24) Step 3: Accept the response (45:22) Kenneth’s experience of being fired three times from Slack (57:30) Advice on being the first PM at a company or startup (01:04:58) Contrarian corner: anti-discipline (01:05:52) Lightning round — Production and marketing by https://penname.co/. For inquiries about sponsoring the podcast, email podcast@lennyrachitsky.com. — Lenny may be an investor in the companies discussed.

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Why not asking for what you want is holding you back | Kenneth Berger (exec coach, first PM at Slack)

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One core idea is to always ask for what you want. When you express your desires, you're more likely to achieve them.If you don't ask, you may end up feeling unsatisfied and stuck.

Use complaints as inspiration. Each complaint implies a better version of reality where the issue is solved.Identify your complaints and then envision the ideal outcome.

Articulate, Ask, and Accept: The Three Steps

<ol><li>Identify what you want clearly.</li><li>Ask for it intentionally.</li><li>Accept the response, whether it's a yes or no.</li></ol>

Relationship issues often arise from not asking or being entitled. Understand that genuine asks can prevent conflicts.Respect and humility in your requests create a better work environment.

Avoid letting fear drive your motivation. Instead, use joy and vision.This approach not only reduces stress but also leads to more meaningful outcomes.

Accept that 'no' is normal and useful feedback. It's part of the iterative process towards a 'yes'.Create a respectful dialogue and seek to understand what would lead to a 'hell yes'.

Complaints show unmet needs. Use these as a basis to transform frustrations into actionable requests.Think about how resolving the complaint would create a better situation.

Building Effective Relationships as First PM

The relationship with the founder or CEO is crucial for success.Be intentional with your approach, understand expectations, and foster trust.

Why not asking for what you want is holding you back | Kenneth Berger (exec coach, first PM at Slack)

Ask for what you want to avoid resentment

How to ask for what you want

How to accept a refusal

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