Book Panda Notes's Key Ideas from The Courage to Be Disliked
by Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga

If someone insults you, think about their hidden agenda. When you get angry because of someone's words or actions, they are challenging you to a power struggle.

Do not engage in a power struggle. The belief that "I'm right" leads to thinking that the other person is wrong, and it becomes a competition to win. ❌

Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and stepping away from power struggles are not signs of defeat.🤝✅

Loneliness doesn't stem from being alone; it arises when you're surrounded by people, society, and community, yet feel deeply disconnected from them.

All problems, at their core, are interpersonal relationship problems. It's in these social contexts that a person truly becomes an 'individual,' and without meaningful connections, the sense of isolation intensifies.

The feeling of not being good enough can sometimes motivate us to work harder and grow, it's called feeling of inferiority. But, when this feeling is used as an excuse, it becomes an inferiority complex. It is important to understand the difference between the two.

🔹 Inferiority complex: using feelings of inadequacy as an excuse for not trying.

🔹 Superiority complex: thinking one is special due to perceived misfortunes and struggles.

🔹 Both concepts are closely related despite seeming like opposites. People with superiority complex claim to be unique because of their hardships.

In Adlerian Psychology: Tasks are separated by determining "Whose task is this?" All relationship issues arise from either intruding on someone else's task or having our own tasks intruded upon.

By differentiating tasks, we can greatly enhance our interpersonal relationships.🌸

To improve relationships:

• Identify your own tasks
• Recognize tasks belonging to others
• Set boundaries for tasks that are not yours
• Let go of tasks that do not belong to you

Trust and confidence are not the same.

When we trust someone completely, we may end up being taken advantage of since we have no conditions. But it is not our responsibility to decide if someone will take advantage of us.

Instead, we should focus on accepting ourselves for who we are and understanding our own abilities and limitations. This will help us realize that it is the other person's task to take advantage or not, and it will make it easier to truly have confidence in others.✨

We can have two types of relationships:

1. Vertical - where praise and condemnation create hierarchy and inequality. Eg. Saying "you did a great job" puts us in a superior position as we are judging the other person's ability and providing them external validation.

2. Horizontal - based on mutual respect and equality. The emphasis is on encouragement through gratitude, respect and joy rather than praise. Eg. Thank you for helping me out (think about what you would say to your friend)

Encourage and foster equal relationships for healthier connections.

The desire for recognition is harmful. It is often influenced by our education that promotes rewards and punishments. As a result, it can lead to a misguided mindset where we only take action if praised, and do wrong things if not punished.

Avoid seeking recognition and instead focus on genuine progress and personal growth. 🚫🏆

Other people aren't here to meet your expectations. When they don't meet your expectations, don't take it personally. Remember - it's not always about you. Instead, focus on being a good comrade, not the focus of everyone's attention. 😊👫

By thinking you're the centre of the world, you risk losing friends. Rather than expecting anything from others, ask yourself what you can do for them. Shift your mindset and focus on giving, not getting. 😌🙏

To recognize our value, we must feel like we are helping someone else. Even if our contribution is invisible, as long as we believe that we are making a difference, we will find happiness and freedom.

Key Points:

• Feeling of contribution brings awareness of our worth
• Visibility of contribution doesn't matter
• Subjective sense of being of use can bring happiness and freedom

In Adlerian psychology, life is seen as a series of moments or "dots," where each moment is a new chance for choice and change, no matter your past. You have the freedom to live differently at any moment.

Key Concepts:

• Adlerian psychology - focuses on individual's subjective experience and the importance of an individual's beliefs and ideas
• Series of dots - life is not a linear progression but a series of moments, providing opportunities for change
• Freedom - the power to make choices and change despite past experiences

Keep moving forward and choose your own path. 🚶‍♂️

In life, it's important to have the courage to be disliked.

Here's why:

• Other people's opinions are outside our control.
• Our happiness should not rely on being liked by everyone.
• Instead, we should prioritize our own well-being.
• Having the courage to be happy even if others dislike us can improve our interpersonal relationships.
• This mindset can also bring positivity into our lives.

So, let's embrace the courage to be disliked and focus on our own happiness. ☀️