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How You Can Learn to Argue Constructively
If we want to engage productively—to argue constructively—we can think of engagement as a continuum rather than an on/off or yes/no discussion.
For better discussions and deeper engagement, we should approach interactions with understanding and a desire to learn from the other person.
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How We Argue
Many people go in with a pre-recorded message in their heads. They know the point they want to make and assume they know the intent of the other party. They’ve already played it out in their minds.
Other people argue on the defense. There’s something about themselves they don’t want to see or learn. They may even know there’s a kernel of truth to the counterargument, but they don’t want to acknowledge the differing point-of-view.
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The Engagement Continuum
Engagement can be thought of as a continuum:
- Conversations in which we’re disengaged may include avoidance, stonewalling, silent treatment, or simply being zoned out. These forms of engagement are even destructive to our relationships.
- Constructive engagement means holding active, meaningful, intimate conversations. We’re genuine and truthful, but approach topics with the hope of discovery and greater fulfillment.
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Ways To Approach A Coversation
We go into conversations assuming there will be a disagreement, but if we shift our assumptions, we will experience a much better interaction:
- Assume goodwill from your partner in each interaction.
- Approach interactions with understanding and a desire to learn from the other person.
- Listen to both sides of a discussion. This doesn’t mean compromising your values or letting go of your perspective.
- Think of your next discussion like an interview, rather than an opportunity to scream your opinions.
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Claudia Florescu's ideas are part of this journey:
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