Agreeing A New “Emotional Contract” in CBT For Couples

Agreeing A New “Emotional Contract” in CBT For Couples

The final step in couples CBT is helping couples lay out the new terms of their relationship. Having previously discussed their high conflict issues and negative behaviours, this final stage is designed to help the couple move forward and build their mutual terms on what a healthy relationship looks like for them. By holding each other accountable respectfully and constructively, CBT enables couples to build a new relationship that supports growth, development, wellbeing and fulfils the needs of both partners. 


How CBT can help overcome your relationship problems


Practising New Behaviours In CBT For Couples

A CBT couple therapist will collaborate with a couple and help them translate their relationship issues into statements of positive goals. The therapist will then team these goals with specific intervention techniques that will help the couple replace their current negative behavioural patterns with positive ones.

CBT helps couples lay positive foundations by building the relationship’s resilience by shifting the focus and neutralising conflict with the mutual willingness to respect and tolerate each other’s differences. 


Agreeing On Tolerance Ranges In CBT For Couples

One of the key things CBT will help couples do is overcome their conflicts in a respectful and understanding manner. Couples will be encouraged to work together to create new boundaries when it comes to what they are willing to tolerate. 

The idea behind this is to remind couples that disagreements in relationships are inevitable but finding healthy and respectful ways to address these conflicts and ensure that each person feels heard and valued. This includes learning new ways to problem solve together as a couple. 


The 5 Steps In Couples Therapy

Here are some of the five steps CBT takes couples through.

  1. Identifying and acknowledging each person’s perceptions and expectations
  2. Exploring counter-productive triggers, beliefs and behaviours
  3. Agreeing on different and acceptable tolerance ranges
  4. Identifying and practising new behaviours based on shared values, mutual respect, empathy, trust and tolerance.
  5. Agreeing a new “emotional contract”. This expresses the changes that each partner commits to and forms the basis of the future relationship.



How CBT Can Help Overcome Relationship Problems

The most common problems couples face include:

-    Communication problems

-    Feeling or being controlled

-    Inability to solve problems together –often money, sex or family issues

-    One or both partners suffer from anxiety or depression

-    Growing apart over time

CBT can help resolve these issues as it allows couples to understand and identify how their thoughts or behaviours are impacting their relationship, and also evaluate the sometimes unachievable standards that people judge their relationships by. 



Exploring Beliefs And Behaviours In CBT For Couples

Couples who are in distressing or high conflict relationships are more likely to be selective when it comes to tracking their partner’s negative behaviour or events. This, in turn, will result in them reciprocating with their own negative behaviour.

Using the cognitive behavioural couples therapy model, the therapist will work with the couple to investigate the logic behind their certain beliefs and behaviours and help them to identify the unhelpful triggers that regularly lead to conflict. The therapist will help the couple refocus so that they can work together to build positive behaviours. 


Identifying  Perceptions and Expectations in CBT For Couples

Typically, the source of conflicts within relationships stems from two things. Distress from one partner’s unmet needs and the difficulty that emerges when that partner uses unhelpful methods to address or acknowledge the conflict coming from that unmet need.

In CBT, the therapist will work together with the couple to communicate each other’s perceptions in moments of conflict and set their expectations. A large part of the work is often about supporting couples to develop much more constructive communications generally and in their areas of conflict. 



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... or the Negativity Effect is a tendency most of us have to respond more strongly to negative events and emotions than to positive ones.
Any further action that is provoked due to the negative judgement can lead to a downward spiral in our communication. Our irrational impulses can ruin any good relationship.



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Important skills to maintain healthy relationships

In order to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship both partners must have or are developing the following skills:

  • To be able to make sound decisions
  • The ability to put themselves in a good mood
  • To be able to rein in their bad mood or irritability
  • The ability to solve problems
  • The ability to effectively communicate with their partner
  • They must be able to tolerate frustration; and
  • They must be able to practice empathy



Want to keep your relationship on solid ground? Get enough sleep