There have been multiple people with whom we have had a life and, for a time, maybe we did. But people we love are not necessarily the same people we can make a life with. Life stories are not the same as love stories. It’s a different set of ingredients, different aspirations. We can have an incredible romantic interlude for a few months, totally disconnected from our realities, and it can be a perfect, beautiful love. But it has little to do with the intricate scaffolding that supports a life together.

MYTH 2: At A Certain Point, Dating Should Lead To Marriage.

There are times when we need to show the person how deeply we feel for them and there are times when we need to stop. When we struggle to know which is which, it can help to ask ourselves: <ul><li>Am I trying to prove how much I care about this person because they’re doubting it?</li><li> Or am I struggling with my own feelings of rejection? </li><li>Is this about our connection or is this about me? </li><li>Can I privately deal with this unbearable rejection or do I feel entitled to another shot? If so, why? </li></ul>We have a tendency to respond to disconnection by gripping tighter, although it doesn't give us the expected result.

MYTH 4: If I Try Harder With The Person I’m Interested In, They 

We pursue a new relationship for a few months while and then find ourselves bored and looking for the next person to come along. Why? Is it because “we haven’t found the right person yet,” or is it because we’re not yet familiar with our own attachment style? Love, desire, connection—all of the things that make us want to stay and go deeper with someone—are not induced by another person. They are co-created. Instead of asking whether we’ve found the right person, learn what it would be like to be in a relationship in which both partners are mutually interested in being good for each other.

MYTH 3: I Haven’t Found The Right Person Yet.

It’s an experience that can make us never want to try again. But this is the voice of heartbreak. It conveniently highlights the good parts and disregards the shortcomings. Being realistic with ourselves about the shortcomings, however, can help us heal and determine what we want in future relationships. The person who broke our heart wasn’t “the one”—not only because the concept of “the one” is flawed—but because there are many people we can love and who will love us. It takes time to heal, but love is not a finite resource.

MYTH 5: I’ll Never Love Again.

Almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

Dating to find “The One” is extremely limiting—and often leads to major disappointment. There is never going to be one perfect person whose love is so powerful that it checks every box, heals all our wounds, and makes us want to delete all the apps.  Why do we carry these expectations of potential partners when we know that we’re not perfect either? Instead of looking for perfection, look for potential.

MYTH 1: There’s Only One Person Out There For Me.

If and when we find a partner who makes us believe in love again—we’ll be grateful that the other ones didn’t work out.

Bonus 

Great potential is fundamental to meaningful growth, and couples are supposed to grow and change.

There are very few set rules for dating, especially in the ever-evolving world of modern love. But no matter how much progress we make, we still carry outdated mythologies with us, often from relationship to relationship. Correcting those myths—such as "dating should lead to marriage" and "it's about finding the one"—starts here. Read more about 5 common myths we tell ourselves when we're dating and how to reframe them.

ESTHER PEREL

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