Esther Perel's Blog - 5 Myths We Tell Ourselves When We’re Dating

There have been multiple people with whom we have had a life and, for a time, maybe we did. But people we love are not necessarily the same people we can make a life with. Life stories are not the same as love stories. It’s a different set of ingredients, different aspirations. We can have an incredible romantic interlude for a few months, totally disconnected from our realities, and it can be a perfect, beautiful love. But it has little to do with the intricate scaffolding that supports a life together.

We pursue a new relationship for a few months while and then find ourselves bored and looking for the next person to come along.

Why?

Is it because “we haven’t found the right person yet,” or is it because we’re not yet familiar with our own attachment style? Love, desire, connection—all of the things that make us want to stay and go deeper with someone—are not induced by another person. They are co-created. Instead of asking whether we’ve found the right person, learn what it would be like to be in a relationship in which both partners are mutually interested in being good for each other.

There are times when we need to show the person how deeply we feel for them and there are times when we need to stop. When we struggle to know which is which, it can help to ask ourselves:

• Am I trying to prove how much I care about this person because they’re doubting it?
• Or am I struggling with my own feelings of rejection?
• Is this about our connection or is this about me?
• Can I privately deal with this unbearable rejection or do I feel entitled to another shot? If so, why?

We have a tendency to respond to disconnection by gripping tighter, although it doesn't give us the expected result.

It’s an experience that can make us never want to try again. But this is the voice of heartbreak. It conveniently highlights the good parts and disregards the shortcomings. Being realistic with ourselves about the shortcomings, however, can help us heal and determine what we want in future relationships. The person who broke our heart wasn’t “the one”—not only because the concept of “the one” is flawed—but because there are many people we can love and who will love us. It takes time to heal, but love is not a finite resource.

If and when we find a partner who makes us believe in love again—we’ll be grateful that the other ones didn’t work out.