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4 Ways to Control Your Emotions in Tense Moments
Challenge the story
You can take control of your emotions by asking yourself questions that provoke you out of your victim, villain, and helpless stories.
For example, transform yourself from victim into an actor, by asking: "What am I pretending not to know about my role in this situation?”
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Controlling your emotions
The ability to recognize, own, and shape your own emotions is the master skill for deepening intimacy with loved ones, magnifying influence in the workplace, and amplifying our ability to turn ideas into results.
Own the emotion
You can’t change an emotion you don’t own.
Accept responsibility for its existence. Because an external event always precedes your experience of an emotion, it’s easy to assume that the event caused it. But as long as you believe it was externally caused, you are going to be a victim to your emotions.
Name the story
Emotions are the result of both what happens, and of the story you tell yourself about what happened.
- A victim story: it absolves you of your responsibility for what happened.
- A villain story: it exaggerates the faults of others and makes them responsible for what happened.
- A helpless story: it convinces you that any course of action is pointless.
Challenge the story
You can take control of your emotions by asking yourself questions that provoke you out of your victim, villain, and helpless stories.
For example, transform yourself from victim into an actor, by asking: "What am I pretending not to know about my role in this situation?”
Find your primal story
Most people have habitual stories they tell in predictable circumstances as well.
Early life experiences that we perceived at the time to be threats to our safety and worth become encoded in our potent memories.
Reciting a specific script in moments of emotional provocation (e.g. “This can’t hurt me”) weakens trauma-induced reaction that is not relevant in the present moment.
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Future-proofing your career to stay relevant isn't about learning how to code or going back to college.
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Make space to create meaning
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Provide the right amount of structure
Formal employee programs and activities, such as rotational opportunities, innovation labs, reverse mentoring and milestone experiences, can help employees build deeper, more diverse relationships while promoting growth.
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Shared experiences help employees come together in ways that build meaningful connections and trust. Activities that provide a common purpose — such as an escape room game or a hackathon — are especially effective.
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- Define your own success and happiness
- Fully commit to the things that make you happ...
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Act like a sea star
... not a wounded bird.
While a wounded bird usually can’t heal on its own, a sea star regenerates its own limbs. It doesn't have to wait for someone to come to the rescue.
While ...
The world is your oyster
Oysters form pearls as a way to protect themselves from foreign substances, such as sand.
Listen to your inner voice. Not only is it there to protect you, but it can guide you toward people, information and ideas that can transform your life.
Dive deep into the research
To become your own hero, go above and beyond surface level information.
Reading the right book or article can provide you with valuable guidance that you probably won’t find anywhere else.
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Counterfactual Thinking
Thinking in a counterfactual way is a non-mainstream mode of thinking about the alternatives of a present situation or turn of events.
It means imagining possible alternatives to ev...
Benefits of Counterfactual Thinking
- Counterfactual thinking makes us look at the events from multiple angles, making us mentally experience it from a different spectrum.
- Thinking with a counterfactual bend of mind boosts creativity in solving future challenges.
- It helps the thinker store important information that could impact the analysis and solutions of future events.
- A non-linear, non-mainstream way of thinking avoids the usual pitfalls of anger, anxiety, fear and grief when things go wrong. This sort of action-oriented approach comes with a positive bend of mind and a desire to do something, instead of getting stuck in an endless loop of worry and anxiety.
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The Importance of Self-Reflection
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The Process of Self-Reflection
- STOP: Take a step back from life or a particular situation.
- LOOK: Identify and get perspective on what you notice and see.
- LISTEN: Listen to your inner guide, the innate wisdom that bubbles up when you give it time and space to emerge.
- ACT: Identify the steps you need to take moving forward to adjust, change or improve.
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"Rich Dad, Poor Dad" is Fiction
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"Rich Dad, Poor Dad" contains dangerous advice
According to John T. Reed the famous book is filled with bad advice:
Dangerous advice
- "If you're gonna go broke, go broke big"
- Convinces people that college is for suckers
Law-breaking advice
- Advocates committing a felony: have rich friends for trading stock based on non-public inside information, he says "That's what friends are for."
- Recommends tax fraud by deducting vacations and health club dues
- Brags about using a partner weasel clause in which his cat is his partner
Kiyosaki is making money from a personality cult
Many critics pointed out that Kiyosaki is selling a cult, not financial advice.
He is accused of tapping into the fantasies of the masses & being short on specifics, both attributes of religious cults.
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Create space
It's useful to agree in advance to call a “timeout” or “press pause” before arguments begin.
It will give you the time to work through what happened. Because arguing when you are in a low emotional state is not going to help you.
What if…?
Ask yourself these questions: “What if the other person had a point? What if I wasn’t being honest with myself? What if I wasn’t taking responsibility for something?”
This will provide a new lens through which you'll see the situation. You might realize that there are things you could take responsibility for, that you were probably ignoring based on your initial triggered response.
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Growth Mindset:
- tend to understand basic abilities as malleable, and believe they can be developed over time.
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How to change your mindset
The 3 steps to encourage a change in mindset:
- Observe your mindset.
- Challenge your beliefs
- Build a “growth” muscle.
Observe your mindset
Notice if you rush to conclusions about fundamental abilities:
- Do you tell yourself that you’re no good at a particular task, so there’s no point attempting it ?
- Do you believe that success in certain kinds of activities are reserved for people who are naturally gifted?
- Do you worry that if you try your hardest and fail at something, you’ll be exposed as “no good”?
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Life-altering lessons
- Don’t bottle up your emotions, become self-aware and explore your emotions. Find an outlet such as writing, meditation, or talking to a friend.
- Vulnerability takes courage. The gifts we unlock by being willing to be vulnerable far outweigh the difficulty in doing so.
- Show up, face fear, and move forward. Because fear and criticism will always be there in some form, the best course of action is always to show up anyway and move forward.
- Seek excellence, not perfection. Focus on realizing excellence, the best version of yourself despite your flaws.
- Dare to be yourself – in your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. In doing so, you can realize your true strength of spirit.