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6 Steps To Set Good Boundaries

Let your behavior speak for you

You present your boundaries clearly to people and then let your behavior do the talking. 

People WILL test, push and disrespect your limits. You'll know you're getting healthier when this doesn't get an emotional reaction out of you. 

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

6 Steps To Set Good Boundaries

6 Steps To Set Good Boundaries

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13176/6-steps-to-set-good-boundaries.html

mindbodygreen.com

6

Key Ideas

NO boundaries = little self-esteem

The first step to change is admitting this.

Your boundaries are your values. Boundaries are representative of how much or little you respect yourself. 

Choose your core values

You must make your boundaries about you.

Once you get clear about what matters most to you, then you can take the bigger step of communicating that to the others.

You can't change others

You are not responsible for what they say, their reactions or for the daily choices they make.

Since you can't change other people, change how you deal with them. They may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.

Decide the consequences

The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is by sitting quietly down with yourself and making this all about you. 

Keep in mind: boundaries are about honoring your needs, not about judging other people's choices.

Let your behavior speak for you

You present your boundaries clearly to people and then let your behavior do the talking. 

People WILL test, push and disrespect your limits. You'll know you're getting healthier when this doesn't get an emotional reaction out of you. 

Communicating boundaries

The biggest part of setting boundaries is HOW clearly you communicate them. 

You can have the most healthy set of boundaries on the planet but if you do not communicate them clearly, you are going to create some really confusing relationships, both for you and everyone else involved.

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Name your limits

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where your limits are.

Identify what you can permit and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.

Tune into your feelings

There are two key feelings that are red flags that you are letting go of your boundaries.

  • Discomfort. Ask yourself what is causing the discomfort.
  • Resentment. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.
Be direct

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue.

There are other times you might need to be frank, such as with those who have a different personality or cultural background.

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Defining Boundaries

The word “boundary” can leave the impression of separation.

But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or profess...

The benefits of boundaries
  • Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem. They protect relationships from becoming unsafe.
  • Boundaries can be flexible. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess them.
  • Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy. Without them, self-esteem and identity can be affected, and you can build resentment toward others.
  • Boundaries give us space to grow and be vulnerable. 
Determine your borders

Our boundaries are shaped by

  • our heritage or culture
  • the region we live in or come from
  • whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between
  • our life experiences
  • our family dynamics
Boundaries are a deeply personal choice and vary from person to person. You can investigate and define your boundaries with self-reflection.

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Name your feelings

Emotions like overwhelm, anger, and frustration may indicate that others are intruding on your personal time or space.

Instead of pushing the feelings away, try understanding them. It ...

Prepare your well-being disclaimer

Start conversations about boundaries with a disclaimer to set the stage for a compassionate, permissive discussion.

Share your resolution to set boundaries. Explain why it’s important to you and how you believe it will benefit you.

When others set boundaries

People who have trouble setting boundaries usually have trouble responding to boundaries set by others.

Instead of feeling dismissed, angry, or rejected when friends or lovers put limits on your interactions, respond with “I value your honesty” or “I appreciate you sharing that with me”—even if the boundary was difficult to hear.

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Verbal violations
  • Not allowing you to speak or be heard.
  • Yelling at you.
  • Saying things that are derogatory about your integrity and character.
  • Gossiping about you.
Psychological/emotional boundary violations
  • Preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem
  • Using what you’ve told them in confidence against you
  • Lying to you
  • Criticizing you
  • Manipulating you
  • Mocking you
  • Making demands of your time
  • Bullying you
  • Lording a superior attitude over you
Physical violations
  • Moving into your personal space
  • Touching you without permission
  • Being inappropriate or too familiar towards you
  • Violating your privacy
  • Damaging or destroying your personal property
  • Threatening you with physical harm

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Soft language vs. hard language
  • Soft language: it uses “I” statements and focuses on the actions that took place, how they made us feel, and what we want to happen.
  • Hard language: it starts wi...
Create space

It's useful to agree in advance to call a “timeout” or “press pause” before arguments begin.

It will give you the time to work through what happened. Because arguing when you are in a low emotional state is not going to help you.

What if…?

Ask yourself these questions: “What if the other person had a point? What if I wasn’t being honest with myself? What if I wasn’t taking responsibility for something?”

This will provide a new lens through which you'll see the situation. You might realize that there are things you could take responsibility for, that you were probably ignoring based on your initial triggered response.

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Your personal core values

... are there to guide behavior and choice. 

Get them right and you'll be swift and focused in your decision-making, with clear direction. 

Get them wrong...

5 Steps to Identify your values
  1. Think through and describe the following in detail: What have been your 3 greatest accomplishments and 3 greatest moments of efficiency and what are any common themes that you can identify?
  2. Think through and describe the following in detailWhat have been your 3 greatest failures and 3 greatest moments of inefficiency and the common themes that you can identify?
  3. Identify 3-4 brief sentences of advice you would give to yourself based upon these commonalities.
  4. Try and reduce them to a few words. 
  5. Test the value. Think of a situation where following your core value hurts you rather than helps you. 
Mind Mapping

Mind maps are the best way to visually and textually organize your ideas, projects, thoughts, and tasks in a way that gives you a structure and sensibly links related concepts.

  • Mind m...
Pillars in the Career Master Plan
  • Current job or role: This is what you are doing right now.
  • Career Goals and Dreams: List your short-term (6-9 months) and longer-term (1-3 years) career goals and dreams.
  • Your Big Why: Know why you want to do the work. 
  • Core Values: What are your top 3-5 core values that you are not willing to compromise?
  • Limits and Boundaries: What is it that you are not willing to do? Whom do you not want to work with?
  • Top Strengths: A strength is a combination of your talents and skills.
  • Desired Strengths: These are the gaps you want to fill in your skills and talents. 
  • Education investment in Yourself: Are you going to conferences, joining a master-mind group, or hiring a coach?
  • Execution Strategies: For instance, you may start a business, a side-hustle, a website.
  • Role Models
  • Ideal Client or Company: It is critical to know whom you want to serve with your work.
  • Ideal Professional Self: A 25-word exercise where you describe your ideal professional self. 
Why Personal Core Values Are Important
Why Personal Core Values Are Important

Values are a part of us. They highlight what we stand for. Values guide our behavior, providing us with a personal code of conduct.

When we honor our personal core values consistently,...

Personal Values and Behavior

Knowing your personal values changes your behavior.

For instance: When you value health, you don’t have to wrestle with managing impulse control as much. If you know a particular food or activity isn’t good for your body, you don’t want it.

Create meaningful core values
  1. Start with a beginner’s mind, someone with no preconceived notions of what is.
  2. Create your list of personal values. 
  3. Chunk your personal values into related groups. 
  4. Highlight the central theme of each value group. 
  5. Determine your top Personal Core Values. Whittle your list down to 5 - 10 core values and rank them in order of importance.
  6. Give your personal values richer context. Highlight values into memorable phrases or sentences.
  7. Test the ecology of each value. Review your list a day later: Are they personal to you? Do you see any values that feel inconsistent?

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You Have A Boundary Issue If…
  • you feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain.
  • you feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the ...
Personal Boundaries

Having healthy personal boundaries means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT blaming others.

People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.

Poor Boundaries 

People who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come to save them.

People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone.

Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one another, yet completely fail to meet each other's true need to feel loved. The real solution would be for both to take responsibility for their own problems.

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Albert Einstein
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
Albert Einstein
Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill
“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.”
Parent-child relationships

One of the most fundamental components of making a positive change in your life is developing a healthy relationship with your parents — whether they are alive or not.

Suppressed emotions and trauma lead people to unhealthy and addictive cycles.

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