Breaking the pattern of nagging

When things go wrong for your partner—on the job, with friends, or personally—do you tend to identify the faults in them that may have led to their difficulties or do you offer support and a willing ear? 

Tearing down your partner when the world is doing a good job of this already does no good for your relationship.

If your partner is taking on a new challenge or trying to solve a problem or fix something that’s broken, do you complain about their success and pace or do you offer encouragement and act as a cheerleader? 

Improve your partner’s chance of success by giving them space and positive encouragement. You should view yourselves as a team, not as rivals.

Active listening has three components:
Paraphrase: Repeat what they have said in your own words. "If I understand correctly... "
Inquire: "You mentioned you found our proposed price unacceptable. Help me understand how you came to this conclusion?"
Acknowledge: "It sounds as if you're quite disappointed with..."

Active listening should be maintained throughout the conversation.

It also includes body language:

• 55 percent of what you convey comes from your body language.
• 38 percent comes from your tone of voice.
• Only 7 percent is from the words you choose.

You don't want to argue over the phone or email as they are stripped of facial expressions and gestures and unwittingly simulating a blank emotional radar.

Creating new habits that stick is easier if we make use of our current routines, instead of trying to fight them.

Use "if-then planning": choose a regular part of your schedule and then build another “link in the chain” by adding a new habit. For example: "If it is lunch time, then I will only eat meat and vegetables.”

Making repeated choices depletes our mental energy, even if these choices are mundane and pleasant.

If you want to maintain long term discipline, aim for fewer decisions during the day: identify the aspects of your life that you consider mundane and then ‘routinize’ those aspects as much as possible.

It shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. 

State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support.

For example, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me." 

It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. 

It is difficult to discuss some sensitive subjects, and we are tempted to avoid them. Other times we simply expect our partners to know what we are doing, thinking or what we want.

It is much better to get things out in the open regularly rather than waiting to have big rows that might damage your relationship.

Be curious about your partner’s point of view rather than trying to anticipate every situation. Active listening involves:

• Paying attention to your partner.
• Tolerating your silence.
• Paying attention to your partner’s nonverbal communication.
• Reflecting and paraphrasing what your partner is saying: I hear you say you feel angry when I ….. Is that what you are saying?

While you don’t want to dwell on your mistakes, reflecting on them can be productive. Ask yourself a few tough questions:

• What went wrong?

• What could I do better next time?

• What did I learn from this?

Seeing your answers on paper can help you think more logically about an irrational or emotional experience.

It’s important to spend your time thinking about how to do better in the future, not beating yourself up for messing up.

Make a plan that will help you avoid making a similar mistake. Be as detailed as possible but remain flexible since your plan may need to change.

• Comprehending: To communicate, we must first understand what the other person (or people) are actually saying.
• Retaining: To respond in an appropriate manner, we must understand and retain what the other person has said.
• Responding: An active response should show that we understand what the other person has said, have paid attention to their words and also read their non-verbal cues.

• Educate yourself on common cognitive biases and shortcuts;
• Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish speaking, then provide a considered response;
• Minimize conversational narcissism by keeping track of your use of pronouns(I, me);
• Seek to develop a clear picture of the other person’s logic;

Make yourself accountable for what you do or don’t do. You don’t have to do things to prove something to others.

Make a To-Do list with your goals, intentions and proposed actions, and try to stick to it.

If we are not honest in our communication due to any internal fear, we are not taken seriously. People can tell when we are not honest.

There is no need to hide anything or play the victim card. Honesty seems difficult as it requires humility, but if followed, it is easier to be self-disciplined.

Ignoring problems in a relationship in order to avoid conflict will only mean that the problems pile up until they can no longer be ignored – and by then, it might be too hard to fix.

Keeping track of the things that you do, versus the things that they do is a way to create pressure and conflict where there should only be teamwork. 

Sit down together and work out a plan on things like chores or bills, and who does or pays what.