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How to Fight Well in Your Relationship - Tiny Buddha
Soft language vs. hard language
- Soft language: it uses “I” statements and focuses on the actions that took place, how they made us feel, and what we want to happen.
- Hard language: it starts with a generic hyperbole like “You always…” or “Why do you never…”
The softer and kinder our words, the less defensive we become.
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Create space
It's useful to agree in advance to call a “timeout” or “press pause” before arguments begin.
It will give you the time to work through what happened. Because arguing when you are in a low emotional state is not going to help you.
What if…?
Ask yourself these questions: “What if the other person had a point? What if I wasn’t being honest with myself? What if I wasn’t taking responsibility for something?”
This will provide a new lens through which you'll see the situation. You might realize that there are things you could take responsibility for, that you were probably ignoring based on your initial triggered response.
Creating a safe space
Fights often get out of control when you are both full of emotion and expressing it from a place of fear.
One of you has to have enough presence, away from your emotions, to create this safe space within which to have a conversation, to share and be heard.
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How relationship apps work
A relationship app does little things like sending you reminders to text your partner an expression of gratitude at a certain time of day. It can also guide you through how to start a conversation about, for instance, infidelity.
A relationship app is like a third, neutral party: It shows where a couple's needs and priorities differ. One app combines audio tracks and articles about psychology and marriage health, then translates them into exercises.
The shift in optimizing personal lives
People have started to approach their personal lives like a business.
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Two relationship complaints
The two worst things in a relationship are:
- The thought of a partner leaving.
- The frustration of a partner not sharing their feelings.
If people are ill-e...
Offering vs obligated
Offering to share with your partner is intimate. Being bullied into sharing is undercutting the very intimacy we think we're building.
Other people's emotions are theirs, not ours. Hearing them share their feelings is a privilege, not a right.
Correcting wrong views
- “Sharing is caring!”. But care is about love and love is about respecting your partner's personal space.
- “Yeah but if I don’t know what’s wrong, then how can I fix it?” Our partners are not our personal projects. Our relationship isn't a game of codependency.
- “But I just want them to share!” Yet, we are not entitled to it.
- "But why won’t they tell me?! Why is that so hard?” Because they don't want to. They may not be ready, or maybe nothing is wrong. You can't push it.
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Codependency
The traditional definition of codependency focuses on control, nurturing, and maintenance of relationships with individuals who are chemically dependent or engaging in undesirable behaviors, such a...
Signs of Codependency
Ask yourself these questions:
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
- Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
The Development of Codependency
When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home with unavailable parents, the child takes on the role of caretaker, learn to put the parents need first, and repress and disregard their own needs.
As the child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.
Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down.
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