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How to Improve Communication in Relationships and Increase Intimacy
Listen actively
Be curious about your partner’s point of view rather than trying to anticipate every situation. Active listening involves:
- Paying attention to your partner.
- Tolerating your silence.
- Paying attention to your partner’s nonverbal communication.
- Reflecting and paraphrasing what your partner is saying: I hear you say you feel angry when I ….. Is that what you are saying?
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Communication needs improvement if:
- You are having trouble getting through to your spouse; you talk about the same issue over and over again without coming to an agreement.
- You seem unable to have a decent conversation without turning it into an argument.
- You fear to bring up certain topics.
- You do not talk meaningfully about anything anymore.
Just Communicate
It is difficult to discuss some sensitive subjects, and we are tempted to avoid them. Other times we simply expect our partners to know what we are doing, thinking or what we want.
It is much better to get things out in the open regularly rather than waiting to have big rows that might damage your relationship.
Your non-verbal behavior
Communication is much more than what you say. In addition to words, you also communicate through:
- Tone of voice
- Eye contact and facial expression
- Your gestures and posture
- Nodding
- Clenched jaw
- Balled up fists
- Rolling eyes.
Show respect
Put the feelings of your partner before your need to be understood.
Even when you are arguing, be careful what you say and how you say it. An angry or dejected partner is less likely to engage in a conversation effectively.
Spend quality time together
Having fun together brings you and your partner closer. Pick a common hobby or have regular date nights.
The closer you are, the more you are inclined to share your innermost thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with each other
Speak up when you are hurting, or you disagree with your partner.
Do not pretend to be happy if you are not. Honesty will help you and your partner to solve problems more efficiently.
Ensure the timing is correct
While you want to tell your partner everything, it is wise to find the correct time to do so.
Something that may be rejected if you express it now may actually be heard or considered by your partner if you bring it up at a different time.
When you are wrong, own it
Taking responsibility for your actions shows that you are mature.
Remember, there is no shame in admitting that you made a mistake. What is illogical is adopting an egoistic stance that prevents you and your partner from moving forward.
Focus on one issue at a time
Even if you have a few issues that you feel the need to discuss, experts advise that you bring up a maximum of one item per conversation.
If you ignore this rule, you will overwhelm your partner with your avalanche of criticism, and he/she will shut down. Eventually, nothing will be solved.
Leave the past
Bringing up past behavior to defend the present day stance hinders your relationship from moving forward.
After an argument, always move forward with a fresh slate. Resurrecting old wounds will increase the intensity of your discussion and steer it in an entirely different direction; far away from a resolution.
Prioritize your emotional intimacy
During intimacy, hormones that are responsible for bonding and attachment are released. The more you are attached to your partner, the better your communication becomes.
Voice your love
Research shows that when you look at your partner in the eye even in time of conflict and say, ‘I love you,’ the brain is prompted to release bonding hormones.
Many spouses only voice their love when they are content with the status of the relationship. Your expression of love for your partner should not be dependent on the atmosphere.
Mind your language
How you say something is as important as what you say.
- Do not use extremes. Accusations such as, ‘you never,’ ‘you always’ do not add any value to your argument.
- Use ‘I’ statements emphasizing how you feel, rather than ‘you.’
- Validate your partner’s feelings. Invalidation happens when you recognize your partner’s feelings but then discount, belittle, ignore or minimize them.
Focus on the positive
Experts recommend that for any conversation, you should have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative statements.
Comparing your partner negatively to someone will be counterproductive to your discussion. Also, stay away judgment words and loaded terms.
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The five love languages
The idea is: we all express and feel love differently, and understanding those differences can seriously help your relationships.
We all show affection in different ways. These “languag...
The five love languages, in a nutshell
- Words of affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise or appreciation.
- Acts of service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
- Receiving gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
- Quality time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
- Physical touch: It can range from having sex to holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.
Love languages for non-romantic relationships
The concept of love languages helps pretty much any relationship - it’s useful to understand what matters to people.
It all comes down to knowing what’s important to people so you can understand, empathize and work with them a little better.
We all have different life experiences; we come from different backgrounds. It makes sense that we communicate differently, too.
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Make small talk
You communicate a genuine interest when you inquire or listen to the small details that make up your partner’s day. It’s those insignificant moments that make up the reality of our lives.
Shared experiences
Words are not necessary for shared feelings to improve a relationship. Just doing something at the same time—riding bikes, watching a movie, or eating dessert, intensifies both pleasant and unpleasant experiences.
Listen carefully
Use a technique called “active listening” - a form of listening in which you acknowledge that you understand what is being said.
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Really see each other
Making eye contact with someone can relieve stress and create a deeper sense of connection.
Even making eye contact with a stranger can soften your heart.
Listen with all of your senses
When you talk with someone in person, notice the posture and body language of the other person. Focus on the tone in their voice. Consider the meaning of their words.
Reach out and touch someone
Touch is a way we communicate and essential to our development. Touch makes us feel safe and encourage trust, love, and compassion.
Reach out to your loved ones and see if you notice a difference.
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