Alain de Botton
Never believe anything is below you as a topic of discussion.

Often people insist their way is the way and refuse to have a discussion because they think it is not serious.

ALAIN DE BOTTON

@nat_nn28

Love & Family

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Alain de Botton
One of the first things couples should do is rather than saying how perfect they are, they should say 'I'm crazy like this, how are you crazy?'.

Most of the time we make discoveries about how difficult people are at the moment when the difficulties have actually hurt us, therefore, we are not likely to be forgiving or sympathetic.

Alain de Botton
There is a cult of romanticism. It started in the 18th century, and it basically told people that everybody has a soul mate, everybody has somebody who will cure them of all loneliness.

We make the equation that, if you love me, you are supposed to understand me even if I don't explain what's wrong. With any good relationship, unfortunately, we often have to spell out what we need. People cannot be mind readers.

Alain de Botton
There are lovely moments in early childhood when your parent can guess pretty well what you need. In the early days of love sometimes, you will report an ecstatic feeling you have met someone who seems to understand you without you needing to speak.

So many problems of relationships (are) where we have things to say we haven't said, and we blame people and get bitter that people haven't understood what we never explained to them.

Alain de Botton
Love gives us a ringside seat on somebody else's flaws. You will spot things that need to be mentioned.

The romantic view is to say 'If you loved me, you wouldn't criticize me'.

Actually, true love is often trying to teach someone how to be the best version of themselves.

Alain de Botton
We are obsessed (in popular culture) with beginnings of love, the magic meet-cute we call it, or the end of love, the tragic undoing and death and whatnot. But you want to focus on the drudgery of the middle, almost.

Often we think love is a feeling, that you spontaneously experience it. I think, ultimately, it is a skill that needs to be learned. We are not set up for that.

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RELATED IDEAS

Relearning is an excellent strategy for lifelong learning. The problem is the pain of rebuilding confidence. You may remember a better ability than in reality, so even doing your best with the old skill will seem sub-standard.

However, if you can push through this short-term feeling of inadequacy, relearning starts to look good.

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IDEAS

People often overestimate love’s ability to overcome whatever issues or problems present in their relationships.

Love can sometimes be unpleasant or painful. It requires self-discipline, understanding and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of years. It comes with a requirement for personal responsibility.

Trying new things will keep the relationship from coasting into routine. this drives up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings of romantic love.

This doesn’t have to be a major change, like taking a trip around the world or deciding to have a baby. Little things, like trying a new recipe together, or going for a walk around the block instead of staying in for a movie, can provide the novelty your brain craves.

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