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How to Avoid Sabotaging Your Relationship
Understand your attachment style
We come out of our family of origin with a blueprint of how we attach to others. The closer someone is to another person, the greater the likelihood that their attachment style can become challenged, and that the strains will bring out their worst qualities, such as jealousy, anger, and enmeshment, often leading to self-sabotaging behavior.
Many people can re-work how they attach in adulthood and thrive in romantic relationships.
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Understand your attachment style
We come out of our family of origin with a blueprint of how we attach to others. The closer someone is to another person, the greater the likelihood that their attachment style can become challenged, and that the strains will bring out their worst qualities, such as jealousy, anger, and enmeshment, often leading to self-sabotaging behavior.
Many people can re-work how they attach in adulthood and thrive in romantic relationships.
Identify your triggers
Journal about the experiences in your relationship that trigger behaviors you experience as self-sabotaging. Ask yourself: What was happening? What did you feel at the time? What were you afraid of? How likely is it that the outcome you feared would happen?
Having an awareness of what triggers these behaviors can prepare us for the inevitable conflicts that arise.
Be mindful of your behavior
Insecurity in relationships is inevitable because everybody has issues to work on.
It’s critical to know what yours are. With this insight, a person can then stop negative behaviors, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and engage in alternative and more healthy behavior.
Decipher the past from the present
Our strong emotional reactions can be our best clues to unfinished business from our past.
The next time you experience a reaction that you suspect may be out of proportion from what you identify as the triggering event, take a moment to pause before responding.
Learn to communicate
If specific themes continue to arise, at some point it could be helpful to speak to your partner.
They can be an asset, as they can help you point out self-sabotaging behaviors as they arise.
Self-care and self-compassion
Cultivating self-compassion is essential for those who struggle with low self-esteem, especially when this manifests in relationships.
Seeking a therapist as a collaborator is a helpful way to begin healing from past hurts, finding self-acceptance, and moving closer to lasting and fulfilling love.
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Interdependence
Being dependent on another person can be unhealthy. Independence, taken to an extreme, can actually get in the way of us being able to connect emotionally with others in a meaningful way.&nbs...
Codependency
A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being. There is an enmeshed sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for their partner to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.
Traits of a codependent relationship
- Poor/no boundaries
- People-pleasing behaviors
- Reactivity
- Unhealthy, ineffective communication
- Manipulation
- Difficulty with emotional intimacy
- Controlling behaviors
- Blaming each other
- Low self-esteem of one or both partners
- No personal interests or goals outside the relationship
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You have an eye on the exit
You avoid anything that leads to a bigger commitment. You're always wondering: "if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?"
Because comm...
You gaslight your partner
The aim of Gaslighting is to deny the other person's reality or experiences. It is a sign that you don't really believe your partners' feelings are real.
For example, if your partner says: "I'm really upset that you canceled our date", you respond with something like: "You're not really upset, it's your fault I canceled and you're just trying to blame me for it."
You are known as a "serial dater"
You break up with partners on the slightest of issues, only to start dating another person right away and repeat the cycle.
You don't want to be seen as a "player" but you can't seem to find someone who you can commit to.
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Why You Self-Sabotage
For many people, the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment keep them out of relationships.
These fears are based on false beliefs, such as success or failure defines my worth as...
How You Self-Sabotage
Relationships:
- You keep yourself isolated.
- You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship.
- You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you.
Work:
- You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want.
- You are able to work, and say you want to, but keep living off other means.
- You stay in a job that you hate.
- You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do.
Healing Your Self-Sabotaging Behavior
- Notice self-judgments.
- Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort. Decide that you will define your worth by the loving actions you take for yourself and others.
- Consciously see mistakes and failure as stepping stones to success, rather than as definitions of your worth.
- Learn to be kind and compassionate toward your own feelings.
- Make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than lose yourself.