Understand your attachment style

Understand your attachment style

We come out of our family of origin with a blueprint of how we attach to others. The closer someone is to another person, the greater the likelihood that their attachment style can become challenged, and that the strains will bring out their worst qualities, such as jealousy, anger, and enmeshment, often leading to self-sabotaging behavior.

Many people can re-work how they attach in adulthood and thrive in romantic relationships.

Nathaniel N. (@nat_nn) - Profile Photo

@nat_nn

Love & Family

psychologytoday.com

MORE IDEAS FROM THE ARTICLE

Journal about the experiences in your relationship that trigger behaviors you experience as self-sabotaging. Ask yourself: What was happening? What did you feel at the time? What were you afraid of? How likely is it that the outcome you feared would happen?

Having an awareness of what triggers these behaviors can prepare us for the inevitable conflicts that arise.

If specific themes continue to arise, at some point it could be helpful to speak to your partner. 

They can be an asset, as they can help you point out self-sabotaging behaviors as they arise.

Insecurity in relationships is inevitable because everybody has issues to work on.

It’s critical to know what yours are. With this insight, a person can then stop negative behaviors, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and engage in alternative and more healthy behavior.

Cultivating self-compassion is essential for those who struggle with low self-esteem, especially when this manifests in relationships. 

Seeking a therapist as a collaborator is a helpful way to begin healing from past hurts, finding self-acceptance, and moving closer to lasting and fulfilling love.

Our strong emotional reactions can be our best clues to unfinished business from our past. 

The next time you experience a reaction that you suspect may be out of proportion from what you identify as the triggering event, take a moment to pause before responding.

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RELATED IDEAS

Interdependence

Being dependent on another person can be unhealthy. Independence, taken to an extreme, can actually get in the way of us being able to connect emotionally with others in a meaningful way. 

Interdependence suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. 

You have an eye on the exit

You avoid anything that leads to a bigger commitment. You're always wondering: "if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?

Because commitment reduces your ability to leave a relationship without financial or emotional consequences, you tend to avoid it.

Fear of abandonment can come from childhood loss or neglect as a child, especially if it is more emotional.

Brain development is the process of creating, strengthening, and discarding connections among the neurons. The growth of each region of the brain depends largely on receiving stimulation. By not attending to that stimulation, your body can't function properly.

The remedy to fear of abandonment in your relationship is to work on exercising that "attachment muscle," allowing yourself to become more vulnerable and open with your partner.

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