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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People-Pleaser - Mindful

We're not that good at pretending

We don’t actually fool anyone when we're trying to look happy, but our real feelings are far from positive.

Our expressions expose us and are registered and mirrored by other people. So trying to suppress negative emotions actually increases stress levels of both people more than if we had shared our distress in the first place.

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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People-Pleaser - Mindful

Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People-Pleaser - Mindful

https://www.mindful.org/doesnt-pay-people-pleaser/

mindful.org

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Key Ideas

Living with integrity

It's far better to be yourself and risk having people not like you than to suffer the stress and tension that comes from pretending to be someone you’re not, or professing to like something that you don’t.

People pleasing

It's the process of trying to guess what other people want and what will make them like us, and then acting accordingly.

It's actually a way of manipulating people's perceptions of us.

We're not that good at pretending

We don’t actually fool anyone when we're trying to look happy, but our real feelings are far from positive.

Our expressions expose us and are registered and mirrored by other people. So trying to suppress negative emotions actually increases stress levels of both people more than if we had shared our distress in the first place.

We find it harder to focus

The act of pretending translates into a big conscious effort of willpower that drains your brain of its ability to focus and do deep work.

Self-control is like a muscle, and like any muscle, when used repeatedly, it tires and will perform poorly. You'll also feel a lot of stress and anxiety in your body.

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Analyze and Identify

Get perspective and clarity on which area of your life you have to focus on. Start by analyzing, examining and identifying the problem areas:

  • Fun and Recreation
  • Physical Environment
  • Career
  • Finances
  • Personal Growth
  • Romance
  • Family and Friends
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Think of Yourself Less

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.  - CS Lewis

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Be Busy, but Not Rushed

Research shows that feeling “rushed” is a one-way street to stress and unhappiness. Too much boredom can be burdensome. 

To find a balance, learn to say "no" to opportunities that do not excite you.

Be Proactive About Your Relationships

Do:

  • Check-in regularly with good friends (around 2 weeks for very close friends).
  • Celebrate the good things in their life; let them know through active and constructive listening. 
  • Studies show people love hearing themselves talk and talking about themselves, so let them.

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Daily choices
Each day, we make the same choice hundreds of times: whether to lie or tell the truth.

And we ignore the profound impact these seemingly inconsequential decisions have on our brain and our life.

Little Lies Can Cost You Money

[Researches Argo and Shiv] found that 85% of diners in restaurants admitted to telling white lies when their dining experiences were unsatisfactory (i.e., claiming all was well when it wasn't). The real interesting finding was that diners who told white lies to cover up their dissatisfactions were then likely to leave bigger tips than those who did not. 

Lies Tax Your Brain, Cause Stress and Harm Your Body

Consider the polygraph machine. It doesn't actually detect lies, specifically, but rather the signs of stress that accompany telling them. 

According to a study, those who were instructed on how to lie less reported improvements in their relationships, less trouble sleeping, less tension, fewer headaches, and fewer sore throats.

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