Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People-Pleaser - Mindful - Deepstash

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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People-Pleaser - Mindful

https://www.mindful.org/doesnt-pay-people-pleaser/

mindful.org

Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People-Pleaser - Mindful
People ask me all the time what the secret to happiness is. "If you had to pick just one thing," they wonder, "what would be the most important thing for leading a happy life?" Ten years ago, I would have told you a regular gratitude practice was the most important thing-and while that is still my favorite instant happiness booster, my answer has changed.

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Living with integrity

It's far better to be yourself and risk having people not like you than to suffer the stress and tension that comes from pretending to be someone you’re not, or professing to like something that you don’t.

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People pleasing

It's the process of trying to guess what other people want and what will make them like us, and then acting accordingly.

It's actually a way of manipulating people's perceptions of us.

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We're not that good at pretending

We don’t actually fool anyone when we're trying to look happy, but our real feelings are far from positive.

Our expressions expose us and are registered and mirrored by other people. So trying to suppress negative emotions actually increases stress levels of both people more than if we had shared our distress in the first place.

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We find it harder to focus

The act of pretending translates into a big conscious effort of willpower that drains your brain of its ability to focus and do deep work.

Self-control is like a muscle, and like any muscle, when used repeatedly, it tires and will perform poorly. You'll also feel a lot of stress and anxiety in your body.

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Research shows that feeling “rushed” is a one-way street to stress and unhappiness. Too much boredom can be burdensome. 

To find a balance, learn to say "no" to opportunities that do not excite you.

Be Proactive About Your Relationships

Do:

  • Check-in regularly with good friends (around 2 weeks for very close friends).
  • Celebrate the good things in their life; let them know through active and constructive listening. 
  • Studies show people love hearing themselves talk and talking about themselves, so let them.

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“Happiness and emotional health are not extras, or bonuses, or nice-to-haves – they’re actually at the core of wha..."

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Happy Happy People

Happiness is not a goal or something to pursue at a later time. Emotional health is a skill to be mastered, not a destination to eventually arrive at.

And being happy is being linked to an active lifestyle, a better diet, better sleep, better weight management, lower stress levels, an improved immune system, and increased life expectancy.

Analyze and Identify

Get perspective and clarity on which area of your life you have to focus on. Start by analyzing, examining and identifying the problem areas:

  • Fun and Recreation
  • Physical Environment
  • Career
  • Finances
  • Personal Growth
  • Romance
  • Family and Friends
  • Health

Name your feelings

Emotions like overwhelm, anger, and frustration may indicate that others are intruding on your personal time or space.

Instead of pushing the feelings away, try understanding them. It ...

Prepare your well-being disclaimer

Start conversations about boundaries with a disclaimer to set the stage for a compassionate, permissive discussion.

Share your resolution to set boundaries. Explain why it’s important to you and how you believe it will benefit you.

When others set boundaries

People who have trouble setting boundaries usually have trouble responding to boundaries set by others.

Instead of feeling dismissed, angry, or rejected when friends or lovers put limits on your interactions, respond with “I value your honesty” or “I appreciate you sharing that with me”—even if the boundary was difficult to hear.