“Defining moments shape our lives, but we don’t have to wait for them to happen. We can be the authors of them.”

Responsiveness encompasses three things:
<ul>
<li>Understanding: My partner knows how I see myself and what is important to me.</li>
<li>Validation: My partner respects who I am and what I want.</li>
<li>Caring: My partner takes active and supportive steps in helping me meet my needs.</li>
</ul>

Deepen Ties

<ul><li>It is hard to be courageous, but it’s easier when you’ve practiced, and when you stand up, others will join you.  </li><li>Managing fear—the goal of exposure therapy—is a critical part of courage. </li><li>Moments, when we display courage, make us proud. We never know when courage will be demanded, but we can practice to ensure we’re ready.             </li></ul>

Practicing Courage

“Transitions should be marked, milestones commemorated, and pits filled. That’s the essence of thinking in moments.”

Three situations constitute natural defining moments and deserve our attention: <ul><li>Transitions seem so natural that they are almost always marked with some sort of “coming of age” rituals: weddings, promotions, the first day of school and the end of projects, etc.</li><li>Milestones. Birthdays are the most obvious milestones, (18th, the 21st, the 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, and the 100th) , retirement, and unheralded achievements (such as, say, a salesman’s 10 millionth dollar of revenue).</li><li>Pits are the opposite of peaks, i.e., negative defining moments, moments of hardship or pain, or anxiety.</li></ul>

Thinking in Moments

Defining moments stand out, they influence us, cause us to rethink our direction, re-shape the trajectory of our lives. We can engineer these moments—or at least create the conditions for them to emerge. To create more and more powerful defining moments, we need to become “moment-spotters”—learn to spot occasions to invest in. Our focus on goals can blind us to the possibility of a given moment—even as moments can support the achievement of goals.

Defining Moments

Research has found that in recalling an experience, we ignore most of what happened and focus instead on a few particular moments.When people assess an experience, they tend to forget or ignore its length—a phenomenon called “duration neglect.” Instead, they seem to rate the experience based on two key moments:<ol><li>The best or worst moment, known as the “peak”</li><li>The ending. </li></ol>Psychologists call it the “peak-end rule.”

The Peak-End Rule of Defining Moments

A defining moment must include at least one of these elements—it does not have to include all four.<ul><li>Elevation: They rise above the everyday.</li><li>Insight: They rewire the way we understand ourselves—or the world.</li><li>Pride: They are moments that find us at our best—in terms of achievement or courage.</li><li>Connection: They are social—we share them with others.</li></ul>

Elements That Create Defining Moments

Peaks don’t emerge naturally. They must be built.                To elevate a moment, do three things: <ul><li>First, boost sensory appeal. </li><li>Second, raise the stakes. </li><li>Third, break the script. (Breaking the script means to violate expectations about an experience).</li></ul>Moments of elevation need not have all three elements but most have at least two.

Build Peaks  

Moments of elevation lift us above the everyday. Moments of insight spark discoveries about our world and ourselves. Moments of pride capture us at our best—showing courage, earning recognition, conquering challenges.To produce moments of self-insight, we need to stretch: placing ourselves in new situations that expose us to the risk of failure. The promise of stretching is not success, it’s learning.

Stretch for Insight

Hitting a milestone sparks pride. It should also spark a celebration—a moment of elevation. (Don’t forget that milestones, along with pits and transitions, are three natural defining moments that deserve extra attention.) Milestones deserve peaks.To identify milestones, ask yourself: What’s inherently motivating? What would be worth celebrating that might only take a few weeks or months of work? What’s a hidden accomplishment that is worth surfacing and celebrating?

Multiply Milestones 

Purpose is defined as the sense that you are contributing to others, that your work has a broader meaning. Passion is the feeling of excitement or enthusiasm you have for your work.

Purpose  and Passion

There are three practical principles we can use to create more moments of pride:<ul><li>Recognize others</li><li>Multiply meaningful milestones;</li><li>Practice courage.</li></ul>The first principle creates defining moments for others; the latter two allow us to create defining moments for ourselves.

Moments of Pride

The New York Times bestselling authors of Switch and Made to Stick explore why certain brief experiences can jolt us and elevate us and change us—and how we can learn to create such extraordinary moments in our life and work. While human lives are endlessly variable, our most memorable positive moments are dominated by four elements: elevation, insight, pride, and connection. If we embrace these elements, we can conjure more moments that matter. What if a teacher could design a lesson that he knew his students would remember twenty years later? What if a manager knew how to create an experience that would delight customers? What if you had a better sense of how to create memories that matter for your children? This book delves into some fascinating mysteries of experience: Why we tend to remember the best or worst moment of an experience, as well as the last moment, and forget the rest. Why “we feel most comfortable when things are certain, but we feel most alive when they’re not.” And why our most cherished memories are clustered into a brief period during our youth. Readers discover how brief experiences can change lives, such as the experiment in which two strangers meet in a room, and forty-five minutes later, they leave as best friends. (What happens in that time?) Or the tale of the world’s youngest female billionaire, who credits her resilience to something her father asked the family at the dinner table. (What was that simple question?) Many of the defining moments in our lives are the result of accident or luck—but why would we leave our most meaningful, memorable moments to chance when we can create them? The Power of Moments shows us how to be the author of richer experiences.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

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Personal Development

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Motivation & Inspiration

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Books

The New York Times bestselling authors of Switch and Made to Stick explore why certain brief experiences can jolt us and elevate us and change us—and how we can learn to create such extraordinary moments in our life and work. While human lives are endlessly variable, our most memorable positive moments are dominated by four elements: elevation, insight, pride, and connection. If we embrace these elements, we can conjure more moments that matter. What if a teacher could design a lesson that he knew his students would remember twenty years later? What if a manager knew how to create an experience that would delight customers? What if you had a better sense of how to create memories that matter for your children? This book delves into some fascinating mysteries of experience: Why we tend to remember the best or worst moment of an experience, as well as the last moment, and forget the rest. Why “we feel most comfortable when things are certain, but we feel most alive when they’re not.” And why our most cherished memories are clustered into a brief period during our youth. Readers discover how brief experiences can change lives, such as the experiment in which two strangers meet in a room, and forty-five minutes later, they leave as best friends. (What happens in that time?) Or the tale of the world’s youngest female billionaire, who credits her resilience to something her father asked the family at the dinner table. (What was that simple question?) Many of the defining moments in our lives are the result of accident or luck—but why would we leave our most meaningful, memorable moments to chance when we can create them? The Power of Moments shows us how to be the author of richer experiences.

Chip Heath is the professor of Organizational Behavior in the Graduate School of Business at Stanford University.He received his B.S. degree in Industrial Engineering from Texas A&M University and his Ph.D. in Psychology from Stanford.He co-wrote a book titled Switch How to Change Things When Change Is Hard with his brother Dan Heath.

Chip Heath

Dan Heath is a Senior Fellow at Duke University's CASE center. Dan has an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School, and a B.A. from the Plan II Honors Program from the University of Texas at Austin.He co-wrote a book titled Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard with his brother Chip Heath.