The first step in understanding why you behave the way you do in relationships is to identify your current attachment style. 

Select which of these four statements you feel best describes you:

a) It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others.

...

An anxious attachment style (sometimes called ‘preoccupied’ or ‘ambivalent’) is often due to inconsistent or intrusive parenting, or a blurring of the boundaries between parent/care...

You might not need a lot of reassurance in a relationship – perhaps because you currently have a more avoidant style. You know your partner loves you, and they should know you love them, so why keep saying it? But perhaps they do need a bit more reassurance than you, and you’ve seen how this mism...

An avoidant attachment style (sometimes called ‘dismissive-avoidant’ or ‘fearful-avoidant’ depending on the accompanying behaviours) is linked to a caregiver’s consistent and repetitive rejection of the child’s emotional needs. If this was your experience, then as an adult you mi...

Humans have a deep-seated need for love and nurturance from their parents or other carers, and if this care is absent or unreliable, it can lead to long-term problems.

Ultimately, your attachment style shapes how much you trust others, whether you fear abandonment, and whether you keep your...

The disorganised style (sometimes called ‘disoriented’) – is best thought of as being trapped in, and responding to, a terrifying and incredibly confusing stay/go paradox, where the caregiver (and future potential friends or partners) are both the source of occasional comfort but...

 If you’re anxious, ask for patience and tolerance from your partner, while at the same time committing to acting less from that anxious place. If your partner understands that you’re anxious, it might help them to know that it won’t help you to constantly reassure you that they love you...

If you’re fortunate enough to have a secure attachment style, your primary caregivers were probably ‘good enough’  and you are well placed to enjoy healthy relationships in life.

It goes something like this: (a) notice when you’re on autopilot – for instance, lapsing into needy or avoidant behaviours; (b) pause to reflect; (c) do something different; (d) notice the results; and, if they were positive, (e) apply what you’ve learned in future situations.

You can also ...

If you’re struggling to make the changes you want to make in your relationships and you keep making the same mistakes, take a beat and bring yourself back to this key point: you can learn to handle emotions differently; you can change your attachment style; and you can change your expecta...

Each of the four statements(In the previous stash) corresponds to one of the four main attachment styles recognised by psychologists.

If you chose:

(a) this suggests you have a secure style;

(b) an anxious style;

(c) an avoidant...

Partners with a disorganised attachment style lack a coherent approach toward relationships. On the one hand, they want to love and be loved. But they are afraid to get close to anyone because they have a strong fear based on experience – that those closest to them are the most dangerous and will...

If you have an anxious attachment style, practise being direct and authentic with others, even though it feels hard. If you struggle to calm yourself without another person to help, there are many technique...