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You're Not Entitled To Know Other People's Feelings
Two relationship complaints
The two worst things in a relationship are:
- The thought of a partner leaving.
- The frustration of a partner not sharing their feelings.
If people are ill-equipped to manage the anxiety when a partner doesn't want to share their feelings, they resort to crowding their partner emotionally with 'Talk to me! Tell me how you feel. Share with me.''
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Key Ideas
Two relationship complaints
The two worst things in a relationship are:
- The thought of a partner leaving.
- The frustration of a partner not sharing their feelings.
If people are ill-equipped to manage the anxiety when a partner doesn't want to share their feelings, they resort to crowding their partner emotionally with 'Talk to me! Tell me how you feel. Share with me.''
Offering vs obligated
Offering to share with your partner is intimate. Being bullied into sharing is undercutting the very intimacy we think we're building.
Other people's emotions are theirs, not ours. Hearing them share their feelings is a privilege, not a right.
Correcting wrong views
- “Sharing is caring!”. But care is about love and love is about respecting your partner's personal space.
- “Yeah but if I don’t know what’s wrong, then how can I fix it?” Our partners are not our personal projects. Our relationship isn't a game of codependency.
- “But I just want them to share!” Yet, we are not entitled to it.
- "But why won’t they tell me?! Why is that so hard?” Because they don't want to. They may not be ready, or maybe nothing is wrong. You can't push it.
Respecting boundaries
We can make ourselves available, we can encourage, we can invite, we can listen to people. But it is most important to respect boundaries and recognize that it’s their emotions — not ours.
When they finally do share, it’s because they wanted to.
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Getting To The Root Of Your Reluctance
If you find it difficult to share your past experiences, ask yourself why you are reluctant to open up. Getting to the root of the reluctance is key.
Work Out Your Feelings First
Before you talk to your partner about something difficult, find the right words to express it first. Until you can verbalize it, it remains unknown to you and to your partner.
If you do not feel safe enough to talk through these issues, consider journaling, or talking with a counsellor until you are clear about how you are feeling.
Open Up In Small Steps
When you decide to open up, start by taking small steps to test the waters first.
The more you practice and see that you can do it, the easier it will get for you to open up.
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A toxic relationship
Is any relationship between people who don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there is competition and there is disrespect.
...What makes a relationship toxic
People who consistently undermine or cause harm to a partner (whether intentionally or not) often have a reason for their behavior, even if it’s subconscious.
Maybe they were in a toxic relationship, either romantically or as a child. Maybe they didn’t have the most supportive, loving upbringing. They could have been bullied in school. They could be suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder.
Warning signs
The most serious warning signs include any form of violence, abuse or harassment, which should be dealt with immediately. But in many cases, the indicators of a toxic relationship are much more subtle: Persistent unhappiness, negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem, feeling like you can’t talk with or voice concerns to your significant other.
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