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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Stop Being a People Pleaser
- Keep in mind that the people that now in adulthood surround you (colleagues, friends, partners) are most likely very different from the ones that influenced your anxieties during childhood.
- Be aware of the side effects of people-pleasing: even if you have good intentions, you are in fact creating problems by not speaking up more frequently.
- You can learn to reframe the way you deliver your messages, especially when it comes to difficult, sensitive topics.
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The People Pleaser
This is a dangerous path: they end up confusing everyone around them by failing to express their true needs and feelings and they also build up a lot of frustration.
A Type Of Lie
And we do it not to obtain some sort of advantage over someone, but because we deeply fear the annoyance and dissatisfaction of the people around us.
Origins Of People Pleasing
To survive, we decide to be responsive to what others expect us to do and be, leaving aside what we really want.
Love And Fear
Stop Being a People Pleaser
- Keep in mind that the people that now in adulthood surround you (colleagues, friends, partners) are most likely very different from the ones that influenced your anxieties during childhood.
- Be aware of the side effects of people-pleasing: even if you have good intentions, you are in fact creating problems by not speaking up more frequently.
- You can learn to reframe the way you deliver your messages, especially when it comes to difficult, sensitive topics.
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Develop Awareness Of Your Behavior
People are often unaware of their people-pleasing behavior. The habit can become so ingrained that it's automatic.
It takes full commitment to stay aware with an intention to change. Write a list of all the things you would normally do in an effort to please. Take note of each time you do them and figure out how you will change it next time.
Drop the Label
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Never describe yourself as a people pleaser. Instead, describe your behavior as you make a decision to change it.
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You can sense this happening when people rush to talk over one another.
Releasing Tension
- Slowing things down: take a deep breath before speaking, to create a pause, to reduce the tension and to open up the other person to your position.
- Inflections: upward inflections are good for de-escalating conflict because they show you are not there to control and command.
- The ability to crack a joke and the ability to take a joke and laugh make you more persuasive, give the impression of being on the same side and release the tension.
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