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How Negativity Can Kill a Relationship

Magnified Faults

The Negativity Effect magnifies and distorts your partner's faults, whether real or imaginary.

The partner starts to wonder why isn't there any appreciation for all the good that is being done, and why the focus is only on the one bad thing.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

How Negativity Can Kill a Relationship

How Negativity Can Kill a Relationship

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/01/negativity-can-ruin-relationships/604597/

theatlantic.com

8

Key Ideas

The Negativity Bias

... or the Negativity Effect is a tendency most of us have to respond more strongly to negative events and emotions than to positive ones.
Any further action that is provoked due to the negative judgement can lead to a downward spiral in our communication. Our irrational impulses can ruin any good relationship.

Magnified Faults

The Negativity Effect magnifies and distorts your partner's faults, whether real or imaginary.

The partner starts to wonder why isn't there any appreciation for all the good that is being done, and why the focus is only on the one bad thing.

Going Downhill

Relationships, especially long-term ones, don't get better with time but are kept intact by avoiding decline.

Married couples find contentment in other sources and remain satisfied with each other, and if not so, then the marriage breaks down.

How We Respond

There are four ways a partner response to something he or she doesn't like in the other:

  1. Ignore.
  2. Talk and find some solution.
  3. Keep sulking while providing silent treatment.
  4. Try to break up or start looking for other partners.

"It is not so much the good, constructive things that partners do or do not do for one another that determines whether a relationship 'works' as it is the destructive things that they do or do not do in reaction to the problems."

"It is not so much the good, constructive things that partners do or do not do for one another that determines whether a relationship 'works' as it is the destructive things that they do or do not do in reaction to the problems."

Early Feelings

A new relationship that looks promising can make us think it will be happy forever, as we feel happy at that time.

A study shows that even after a couple of years the same people who were happy which each other show different kinds of behaviour, both positive and negative.

Same-Sex Couples

Negativity seems to be less of a problem in same‑sex couples.

Both male and female couples tend to be more positive than heterosexual couples when dealing with conflict, both in the way that they introduced a disagreement and in the way that they responded to the criticism, and they remained more positive afterward.

Conflict Patterns

The “female‑demand, male‑withdrawal” is the most known conflict pattern in heterosexual couples.

This happens when women start complaining or initiate criticism and men respond by withdrawing.

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Keeping score

Keeping track of the things that you do, versus the things that they do is a way to create pressure and conflict where there should only be teamwork. 

Sit down together and work out a plan on things like chores or bills, and who does or pays what.

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Laughing With Your Partner

An intimate relationship requires opening up with your partner and being vulnerable, something that may feel uncomfortable to some people. Relationship satisfaction is affected if:

  • Couples like to laugh at others.
  • Partners like if someone laughs at one of them, or if the other partner makes fun of them.
  • Partners dislike if the other makes fun of them.

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Building "Love Maps"

It means getting to know your partner really well, including his/her internal psychological world.

Ask questions, deep and personal ones. Get past“When will you be there?” or “Don’t forget to pick up milk.”

Show Admiration

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner.

Masters see their partners as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

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