Attachment Matters

When people experience breakups they go through the ‘protest’ phase initially, and the rejected lover becomes obsessed with winning back the person who has quit the relationship.

Rejection, paradoxically, makes the rejected person love the partner even more. This is called a ‘Frustration Attraction’, and can be categorized as an addiction.

The rejected lover experiences high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, and are visibly stressed out. These chemical reactions trigger many to do crazy things to win their ex back. Such feelings are erased quickly if the lover starts dating a new partner.

Some people also feel increasingly passionate and loving after the breakup and are more likely to forgive their ex.

Finding a suitable therapist, right for both the partners can take time. Take into consideration:

• Both partners are comfortable with the choice.
• Any preferences (gender or cultural background) are taken into account.
• It should be convenient to schedule an appointment with him, not interfering with other commitments too much.
• At least two kinds of counselors are spoken to, and then a decision taken.
• Check online for recommendations or ask for a referral within your friend circle.

A good therapist can utilize multiple approaches and will tailor the provided therapy based on the couple's needs. The common therapies are:

• Gottman Method: Focused on positive communication
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): helps couples with their emotional needs.
• Imago Relationship Therapy: Connecting new relationships with old ones.
• Other approaches like Hypnosis, sex therapy, etc.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?
• Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
• Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
• Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
• Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
• Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home with unavailable parents, the child takes on the role of caretaker, learn to put the parents need first, and repress and disregard their own needs.

As the child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.

Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down.

• People with this style are comfortable showing interest and affection. 
• They are comfortable being alone and independent.
• They can correctly prioritize their relationships.
• They are able to draw clear boundaries and stick with them.

50% of the population is secure attachment types.

• They are often nervous and stressed about their relationships.
• They need constant reassurance and affection from their partners.
• They have trouble being alone or single.
• They are often in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
• They have trouble trusting people.
• Their behavior can be irrational and overly emotional.

You will need to feel safe and secure and establish a connection with your therapist. It is reasonable to try out a few until you find the right one.

The right therapist will encourage and support you in making uncomfortable changes.

Ask your community for mental health specialists recommendations. Consider asking your GP, family, friends or local community.

Once you have a few names, look up their qualifications and read up about them.

When someone talks about their problems, we are jumping in the problem-solving mode straight away. While dealing with people, this approach can backfire. A better approach is to just listen and validate their struggles, make them feel heard and understood.

Many times, the external appearance of behaviour isn’t the full story and has underlying functions. It is just a symptom and not the problem.

Example: When a teenager is mad for no reason, it helps to understand the underlying problems they usually have in this age, and be compassionate.

In determining our pathway to wellbeing, it doesn’t just matter how physically active we are but how active (how energetic, vigorous, and vital) we feel.

Even though our predictions aren’t always accurate, the simple act of contemplating the future might be a key to well-being.

It usually is a 2-steps process: first, we dream big and imagine fantasy outcomes; then, we “get real” and come up with pragmatic plans.

Process Based Therapy bases itself on Network Science, which emphasis the importance of networks, nodes and possible barriers to change in order to get a better understanding of the mental illnesses.

Process Based Therapy implies the belief that variation and flexibility are the elements that influence the most your recovery.

This Meta Model refers to the idea according to which dynamic and complex networks change or shift dramatically rather than gradually.

When this occurs, the so-called Process Based Therapy aims to turn the network from maladaptive to adaptive while using strategies such as exposure or mindfulness.

According to experts in the field, when dealing with anxiety related to checking your bank account, the best solution to manage your anxiety is by checking your bank account. 

While it might hurt you, this remains the only means to help yourself get in control and start managing your money.

While planning on how to better keep track of your bank account, you might want to consider methods like starting to check your account once a month. 

In order to do that, it could be useful to schedule a meeting in your calendar, devoted solely to this. Other ideas might include using spreadsheets to keep track of expenses or getting an automatic tracker.