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How you attach to people may explain a lot about your inner life

Comfort and Care Cures

Humans have an inborn, universal need for comfort, security, care and for being attached to someone. During our childhood, we are comforted and protected by the older and wiser adults, which shape our minds.

Early interactions with caregivers can dramatically affect your beliefs about yourself, your expectations of others, and the way you process information, cope with stress and regulate your emotions as an adult.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

How you attach to people may explain a lot about your inner life

How you attach to people may explain a lot about your inner life

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2020/jan/10/psychotherapy-childhood-mental-health

theguardian.com

8

Key Ideas

The Way Therapy Works

There is growing research on how therapy actually works. Psychological communication, dialogue, and intervention can work even better than pills.
This seems even more intriguing when we see that there are contradictory methods deployed to cure the same kind of problem.

Therapy Techniques

  • Some therapists are just there to listen and provide a backdrop.
  • Even the silence that they exhibit seems to kindle the patients into divulging more of their most uncomfortable truths.
  • Others keep the sequence of assignments and tests lined up, never pausing.
  • Therapists play varied roles to get some valuable information out of the patient and make him better.

Therapy That Works

No particular form of therapy is proven to be better or more effective than others.

Different people prefer or respond to different forms of therapy.

The Client-Therapist Bonding

All therapies share a bond, an emotional connection, or a collaboration between the therapist and the client(patient).

Research suggests that effective therapies use empathy, warmth, positivism, hopefulness and emotional expressiveness, whereas the ineffective ones tend to have a strict approach.

Attachment Matters

If the client and the therapist share a deeper, more primal relationship, which has the same developmental characteristics as that of a mother and her child, it leads to an effective result.

Comfort and Care Cures

Humans have an inborn, universal need for comfort, security, care and for being attached to someone. During our childhood, we are comforted and protected by the older and wiser adults, which shape our minds.

Early interactions with caregivers can dramatically affect your beliefs about yourself, your expectations of others, and the way you process information, cope with stress and regulate your emotions as an adult.

A New Relationship

Problems such as anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating disorders, and alcohol/substance abuse can be treated with the patient having a new relationship.

A good therapist can temporarily become a figure of attachment, treating the patient in a way a nurturing mother would.

A Healthy Intimacy

Therapists, by having regular meetings with their clients, develop a healthy intimacy, in which there is trust along with a deep understanding that increases as the sessions progress.

Eventually, the client is able to fully connect with the therapist and is also able to mirror himself.

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Finding The Right Therapist

Finding a suitable therapist, right for both the partners can take time. Take into consideration:

  • Both partners are comfortable with the choice.
  • Any preferences (gender or cultural background) are taken into account.
  • It should be convenient to schedule an appointment with him, not interfering with other commitments too much.
  • At least two kinds of counselors are spoken to, and then a decision taken.
  • Check online for recommendations or ask for a referral within your friend circle.
Types of Therapies

A good therapist can utilize multiple approaches and will tailor the provided therapy based on the couple's needs. The common therapies are:

  • Gottman Method: Focused on positive communication
  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): helps couples with their emotional needs.
  • Imago Relationship Therapy: Connecting new relationships with old ones.
  • Other approaches like Hypnosis, sex therapy, etc.

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You have an eye on the exit

You avoid anything that leads to a bigger commitment. You're always wondering: "if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?

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You gaslight your partner

The aim of Gaslighting is to deny the other person's reality or experiences. It is a sign that you don't really believe your partners' feelings are real. 

For example, if your partner says: "I'm really upset that you canceled our date", you respond with something like: "You're not really upset, it's your fault I canceled and you're just trying to blame me for it." 

You are known as a "serial dater"

You break up with partners on the slightest of issues, only to start dating another person right away and repeat the cycle. 

You don't want to be seen as a "player" but you can't seem to find someone who you can commit to.

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Signs of Codependency

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?
  • Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?
  • Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
  • Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?
  • Do you feel trapped in your relationship?
  • Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
The Development of Codependency

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home with unavailable parents, the child takes on the role of caretaker, learn to put the parents need first, and repress and disregard their own needs.

As the child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.

Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down.

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Secure Attachment Style
  • People with this style are comfortable showing interest and affection. 
  • They are comfortable being alone and independent.
  • They can correctly prioritize their relationships.
  • They are able to draw clear boundaries and stick with them.

50% of the population is secure attachment types.

Anxious Attachment Style
  • They are often nervous and stressed about their relationships.
  • They need constant reassurance and affection from their partners.
  • They have trouble being alone or single.
  • They are often in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
  • They have trouble trusting people.
  • Their behavior can be irrational and overly emotional.

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Try a few therapists

You will need to feel safe and secure and establish a connection with your therapist. It is reasonable to try out a few until you find the right one.

The right therapist will encourage and support you in making uncomfortable changes.

Word of mouth

Ask your community for mental health specialists recommendations. Consider asking your GP, family, friends or local community.

Once you have a few names, look up their qualifications and read up about them.

See Relationships Like A Therapist

Relationships nowadays are regularly in the doldrums, with certain factors that tend to ruin them. These same factors can be ‘reverse-engineered’ to help us strengthen and improve these relations.

Validate, Not Solve

When someone talks about their problems, we are jumping in the problem-solving mode straight away. While dealing with people, this approach can backfire. A better approach is to just listen and validate their struggles, make them feel heard and understood.

Actions Have Underlying Functions

Many times, the external appearance of behaviour isn’t the full story and has underlying functions. It is just a symptom and not the problem.

Example: When a teenager is mad for no reason, it helps to understand the underlying problems they usually have in this age, and be compassionate.

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Productive solitude

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Feeling active

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Future-mindedness

Even though our predictions aren’t always accurate, the simple act of contemplating the future might be a key to well-being.

It usually is a 2-steps process: first, we dream big and imagine fantasy outcomes; then, we “get real” and come up with pragmatic plans.

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Process Based Therapy

Process Based Therapy bases itself on Network Science, which emphasis the importance of networks, nodes and possible barriers to change in order to get a better understanding of the mental illnesses.

Process Based Therapy implies the belief that variation and flexibility are the elements that influence the most your recovery.

Extended Evolutionary Meta Model

This Meta Model refers to the idea according to which dynamic and complex networks change or shift dramatically rather than gradually.

When this occurs, the so-called Process Based Therapy aims to turn the network from maladaptive to adaptive while using strategies such as exposure or mindfulness.

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Make a new habit

While planning on how to better keep track of your bank account, you might want to consider methods like starting to check your account once a month. 

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