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On Marrying the Wrong Person
We Don't Understand Ourselves
We don't realize that we are a bundle of contradictions and are trying to look for someone who can understand us, while we haven't been able to understand ourselves yet.
We think we are a great person to be with, which may not be true.
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Key Ideas
We Don't Understand Ourselves
We don't realize that we are a bundle of contradictions and are trying to look for someone who can understand us, while we haven't been able to understand ourselves yet.
We think we are a great person to be with, which may not be true.
We Don't Understand Others
Like us, other people are stuck in the same low-level self-realization: we try to gauge the other person by their looks or family or social status, which is a futile exercise in most cases.
We Don't Know Happiness
We aren't accustomed to being happy or have a misguided idea of what happiness is.
We find the ones who would be right for us, to be wrong for us, because of our lack of experience in what good is, and the fact that we don't associate love with being happy and fulfilled.
We Hate Being Single
The situation of being single turns into a 'negative' motivation for us, and in our race to be engaged in a relationship again, we cling to the wrong person.
Our reason to find a mate: avoiding loneliness, is inherently flawed and cannot lead to a good outcome.
Two Kinds of Decision Making
If we 'marry' the two kinds of decision making, the process of rational analysis, where we objectively understand the other person, with the feeling of love, then we can ask ourselves the right questions, and go towards something that can last.
Happiness and Marriage
Our delusion of happiness (as in 'happily ever after') is a big culprit in our wrong decisions and misery.
Marriage doesn't mean that the romance, the happiness or the beautiful time will last past a few months or years. Happiness is fleeting, and understanding its impermanence can work wonders on our expectations.
Marriage is a Process
We mistakenly think marriage is just an event.
We have to understand that marriage is a process, filled with love, ups and downs, effort and struggle. It is not that we get married, throw a few parties and start to reap the 'rewards' of marriage, going about on our other interests.
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The faulty logic
We usually consider moving into marriage in an attempt to preserve and prolong the happy romantic feelings that characterize the early stages of almost all relationships.
But in most cases, ther...
Unrealistic expectations
The gap between expectation and reality is the cause for many of life’s disappointments.
We like to create detailed fantasies of how our lives are going to be. But when we expect our reality to match a fantasy but life turns out nothing like it, we feel disappointed.
Asking the right questions
"Are you the right person for me?" is the wrong question to ask, because nothing outside of ourselves can fix us or bring us happiness.
A more constructive question to ask would be "Can I accommodate your imperfections with humor and grace?"
4
Key Ideas
Self-understanding
To make a marriage work, you have to be the right person.
Rather than looking for the right partner, become aware of your blind spots, growing edges and vulnerabilities. Take r...
You can’t avoid marital conflict
Blaming, oversimplifying, and seeing oneself as a victim are all common traits of unhappy couples and failed marriages.
Conflicts should be approached by looking together at the problem.
A good marriage takes skill
Most of us don’t have adequate communication skills going into marriage. It is important to build this skill.
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3
Key Ideas
Marriage - a shift in meaning
For many people, a wedding is no longer the first step into adulthood, but often the last step.
It is a celebration of what two people have already accomplished, unlike the traditional...
Marriage statistics
- In 1997, the median age for a first marriage was 27.4 for women and 29.5 for men.
- The college-educated are more likely to marry eventually. Nine out of ten wait until after they marry to have children.
- A large portion of those without college educations have a child before they marry.
- In Norway, the median age at first marriage is 39 for men and 38 for women, and weddings often take place long after a couple starts to have children.
Replacing marriage
In 2012, 57 percent of Americans believed it is alright for a couple to live together without intending to get married.
The dominance of marriage may be due to a cultural lag, where attitudes and values change more slowly than the primary material conditions.