Why We Want To Change Other People - Deepstash
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Why We Want To Change Other People

Why We Want To Change Other People

As a substitute for working on ourselves

When we’re trying to change other people, it’s often because we have our own healing to do. We might think it’s easier to change another person than to change ourselves. Trying to help another person is not a substitute for doing our own work. Our reactivity to that person’s behavior is likely our own unconscious issues coming up. It may feel easier to project onto another person and distract ourselves than face our own problems.

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To feel like a helper

To feel like a helper

We may also want to feel like a hero for helping someone else to boost our own self-image.

We might be attracted to someone because we believe that person is wounded and we can help them. We might believe we can love someone out of their issues and that this will heal us or help us feel bet...

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556 reads

Because others expect us to

Because others expect us to

Sometimes, people expect others to be able to heal them when they don’t want to take responsibility for healing themselves.

Another person’s dysfunction is not about love or a lack of love. It’s about their woundedness; perhaps past traumas, addictions, or other factors.

You can’t lov...

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487 reads

Why You Can’t Change Other People

Why You Can’t Change Other People

Ultimately, one has to heal oneself. No one can do this work for another person.

Let’s take a broken leg: A doctor can set the bone, prescribe medication, and guide the healing process. Other people can support that person while they heal by taking care of driving, shopping, and other tasks...

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467 reads

The Difference Between Supporting and Enabling

The Difference Between Supporting and Enabling

While we can’t heal someone, we can support them as they heal.

Support verses Enabling

Support means that you care about the person and can offer love while they’re in the process of changing. For example, if you want to support a spouse in their recovery from alcoho...

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406 reads

Mind Your Own Business: Why You Can’t Change Other People

Mind Your Own Business: Why You Can’t Change Other People

Many of us find ourselves wanting to change other people in our lives. It might be a partner, a family member, a friend, or even a coworker.

We have judgement around what is going on with them and believe that they should behave in accordance with our thoughts of what’s good for them.

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869 reads

Unreasonable Expectations

Unreasonable Expectations

Ultimately it is up to the other person to decide if they believe there is a problem, and if they want to do anything about it. If they do want to change, we can support them in their decision, but they must do the actual work.

You can’t change other people, so do yourself a favor and stop ...

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465 reads

Quotes on Change

Quotes on Change

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

-Leo Tolstoy

 

“If you do not change direction, you might end up where you are heading.”

-Lao Tzu

 

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I a...

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634 reads

Are you minding your own business or trying to force your agenda on someone else?

Are you minding your own business or trying to force your agenda on someone else?

As always, the first step is noticing. Notice if you are trying to change or control someone. Are you more invested in their healing than they are in healing themselves? Are you using manipulation, anger, or other forms of control?

Are you relying on someone else to heal you? Are you lookin...

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410 reads

CURATED FROM

CURATED BY

tomjoad

Introverted Extravert

Why You Can't Change Other People

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We Want To Avoid Seeming Selfish

We Want To Avoid Seeming Selfish

We have a limited number of hours to play with each day. That means every time we say yes to someone, we’re saying no to someone or something else. And every time we say no, we free ourselves to spend that time and attention on another person or interest.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s neces...

When We Focus On Other People

When We Focus On Other People

More often than not, we are trying to correct or direct things in other people’s relationships.

By focussing on other people’s associations, we end up directing how other people should behave, while being blind towards our own functioning in the relationship system.

Reasons We Play The Blame Game

  • Blame is a good defense mechanism and protects your self-esteem by avoiding awareness of your own failings.
  • Blame is a tool of attack that can hurt others and a destructive conflict resolution method.
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