When We Focus On Other People

When trying to broaden your social network, say yes to meeting new people. One acquaintance will always lead to another, fact that could only have a positive effect on your professional life.

When trying to get a better or a different job, relying on the so-called 'weak ties'- that is to say, acquaintances and the like, might prove extremely useful. While your strong connections tend to place you in only one field of activity, the weak ones are more objective and could provide you with new possibilities.

• We can try and validate the anger felt by an individual by making them know that their anger is maybe justified while putting firm but respectful boundaries on their aggression.
• We then need to be clear about what type of aggression we are willing to tolerate, setting boundaries on the unacceptable.
• We may have to put our foot down and be ready to leave the conversation or escalate the issue, without falling into the trap of guilt and emotion.
• If possible, we need to restart the conversation when things have cooled down, and diffuse the issue in a calm way.

Unchecked self-talk can easily turn into self-delusion. The stories we create almost always make you look like the good guy and cannot be termed as objective.

• The way to get out of this speculative self-delusion is to avoid any speculation about other people's anger, at least initially.
• Make sure to note down the facts of the situation. This can make the story less according to your gut instinct, and more towards the objective reality.

When someone talks about their problems, we are jumping in the problem-solving mode straight away. While dealing with people, this approach can backfire. A better approach is to just listen and validate their struggles, make them feel heard and understood.

Many times, the external appearance of behaviour isn’t the full story and has underlying functions. It is just a symptom and not the problem.

Example: When a teenager is mad for no reason, it helps to understand the underlying problems they usually have in this age, and be compassionate.

Cry, sob your eyes out, scream and yell. As long as it doesn’t hurt yourself or anybody else, find ways to release and let go of the pain you may be feeling. 

Coping with the end of a relationship is a little bit like a 12 step program. You will reach acceptance far sooner by staying away from that person.

Don’t over-analyze what could have been different. Your mission now is to get to the place where you aren’t battling with yourself about the way things are. Do this with compassion and don’t beat yourself up.

Talk honestly and openly to someone about your tendencies and how you’re working on getting better.

Ask them to tell you when you are being too fussy about something so you can think about it.

• Take note of when you’re ruminating and what triggers it until you can see your patterns and find ways to counteract them.
• Don't trust your first reaction when ruminating. Most of the time, it colors negatively your read of the situation.
• Seek a diversion to break the rumination cycle.
• Think positively: remembering your successes and times you tried new things helps you to not be avoidant of tasks you can’t do perfectly.

• Understanding how the way we tend to think about things affects our moods and emotions
• Clarifying our values and strategizing about the most effective path toward them
• Learning to communicate directly and assertively in relationships or the workplace
• Building self-confidence in social situations
• Acquiring more effective parenting skills and techniques
• Working through complicated grief or loss

Ultimately, therapy is about growth and creating opportunities for positive change.

And in addition to improving traditional mental health struggles, therapy can also be a powerful and efficient way to make progress on personal goals or aspirations.

Rather than putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, try to remember a time when you wore the same shoe.

Try to recall a time when you struggled in a similar way and with a similar set of difficult emotions and moods. It's a powerful way to appreciate someone else struggle.

Most people struggling emotionally don’t want someone to fix their pain, they went to feel understood.

Use Reflective listening. It means that when someone tells you something, you simply reflect back to them what they said, either literally or with your own slight spin on it.

Many people are in a state of emotional distress due to a situation like boredom, frustration, or being overwhelmed.

Food seems soothing to them in this state of dissociation, causing them to eat mindlessly, something called ‘stress eating’. This is a way to mentally escape or detach from the existing unpleasant situation.

Food is a temporary and suboptimal substitute for any emotional requirement. To break this pattern, one can try to express their emotional problems to an empathetic person from one’s inner circle of friends and loved ones.

Emotional pain can be corrected if it is expressed to a listener who is able to understand and acknowledge the same.

Enabling may accidentally happen when you are trying to help, but after an extended period, you realise that you are really helping.

• Cleaning up after someone is one form of enabling behavior and includes any way of protecting the person from the negative consequences of their own behavior.
• A partner lies to his in-laws about his wife's drug problem to protect her from embarrassment.
• A sibling pays his brother's rent because he regularly loses his money to gambling.

It might be okay if it happened once, but if these "rescues" happen repeatedly, they don't get to learn from the cause-and-effect pattern of their behaviors.

• Our loved ones often come to us in a moment of crisis. They're losing their job or need to pay someone back. We sometimes feel we have to give money or bail them out in some form. But after a time or two, you become the consistent rescuer while they continue in their unaccountable ways.
• Boundaries can be used to stop the cycle, but not letting those boundaries slip is hard. If you put your foot down on not loaning money, don't give in. The person you're trying to help will ultimately feel more secure if they know you keep your word. You're also a good role model for consistent behavior.