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How to Have Closer Friendships (and Why You Need Them)
Elements of secure relationships
- Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)
- Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)
- Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)
- Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)
- Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)
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Key Ideas
The need for close friendships
We are social beings and we need to create intimacy with other people, for the well-being of our body, mind, and heart.
Close friendships regulate our emotional distress because in difficult times, being close to someone you feel attachment in a safe way is the most effective way to calm yourself.
Defining closeness
- Intimacy means being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others.
- Reciprocation means that both people feel they are seen and understood by the other person.
Make your friendships closer
- Create a foundation of security.
- Look your friends in the face and give them your full attention.
- Help people understand and accept you. Be honest and stop pretending to be somebody cooler than you are.
- Ask for help even when you don’t need it so you’ll feel more comfortable reaching out when you'll know ho they respond to this kind of request.
- Accept that closeness varies from person to person. We all need it in different doses.
Elements of secure relationships
- Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)
- Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)
- Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)
- Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)
- Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)
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Reconnect with old friends
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Connecting to people
Don’t be interesting. Be interested.
- Listen to people and ask them to tell you more.
- When they mention something you have in common, point it out.
- Be enthusiastic and encouraging.
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Close friendship
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Keep creating shared experiences
When you see a friend regularly, you develop a collection of shared memories. You will also have an intimate understanding of what they're up to generally. If you're separated long-term, those experiences will shrink.
It's important to create something you share with the other individual, not just exchanging information about past experiences. The more opportunities you give yourself to connect, the more organically you'll get to know your friend's new life.
It's going to take more effort
The idea that you can sustain a friendship and pick up right where you left off after long stretches of silence is a myth. A relationship grows stronger through nurturing.
Although long-distance hacks can work for a time, there's no replacement for in-person interaction. It's more expensive and more of a hassle, but it's the best way to recharge a long-distance friendship.
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Be opportunistic
Learn to notice opportunities for potential friends.
We let many friendship opportunities pass us by because we feel awkward or too shy. Instead of small talk, invite them for coffe...
Make yourself vulnerable
We have to put our fears aside that someone might not like us or may have too many friends already.
If you like someone you meet, ask to swap numbers and follow through with an invitation to socialize.
Start by doing an activity together
Suggest an activity that you can do together. It will anchor your time together and give you something to focus on or talk about.
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