deepstash
Beta
How to Forgive but Not Forget | Mark Manson
How to Forgive Yourself
We all do things in our lives that we regret, and then we hold on to shame and guilt. The process to forgive yourself is the same:
- Separate the action from yourself.
- Understand your motivation. Was it insecurity or ignorance that drove you to do this thing?
- Empathize with yourself. How much stuff do you blame yourself for that was not your fault?
- Mark your boundaries.
- Eliminate emotional attachment. There are better things to do with your energy than hating yourself.
1343 SAVES
This is a professional note extracted from an online article.
Read more efficiently
Save what inspires you
Remember anything
IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:
9
Key Ideas
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel.
Forgiveness can keep your emotional body healthy. It increases feelings of happiness and decreases feelings of anger and grief, reduces anxiety and depression, improves your relationships and makes you less self-conscious or insecure.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting
You can forgive someone and still maintain a boundary. They may not even necessarily know you forgave them.
When you hold onto anger towards yourself or others, it weighs you down, drains your energy and increases your stress.
Living in the past
Resentment forces you to live in the past by fixing that person to that past moment.
Do not let yourself or the relationship be defined by anger. The ability to forgive and move on is critical for maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with the people you care about.
Separate the action from the person
We all can succumb to behaviors that are not reflective of who we really are.
Separating the action from the person is crucial to find some closure.
Understand people's motivation
Most people who appear to take some pleasure in hurting you have some pain in their own lives. Most feel justified in what they are doing; otherwise, they would do something else.
Whatever this person has done, look for some explanation of their motivation. These are not excuses, just explanations. Before you forgive someone, it helps to understand the reason for their actions.
Empathize
Forgiveness is ultimately a form of empathy - it is taking whatever pain motivated the person and imagine that you have that same pain yourself.
If forgiveness is the ability to see the person as a multi-faceted human being, empathizing with them is what gets you there.
Mark your boundaries
Once you've empathized with the person and decided they are also just human, ask yourself what role you want them to have in your life.
- Set rules. Define which behaviors you will and won't accept.
- Decide on consequences if someone breaks your rules.
- Communicate the above calmly.
Eliminate Emotional Attachment
Let go of the emotional attachment that you've developed. Let the hatred and anger dissolve, let the thoughts of revenge and misfortune die.
How to Forgive Yourself
We all do things in our lives that we regret, and then we hold on to shame and guilt. The process to forgive yourself is the same:
- Separate the action from yourself.
- Understand your motivation. Was it insecurity or ignorance that drove you to do this thing?
- Empathize with yourself. How much stuff do you blame yourself for that was not your fault?
- Mark your boundaries.
- Eliminate emotional attachment. There are better things to do with your energy than hating yourself.
SIMILAR ARTICLES & IDEAS:
3
Key Ideas
Forgiveness
This can be a gradual process—and it doesn't necessarily include the person ...
Why forgiveness is so hard
- You're filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge
- You enjoy feeling superior
- You don't know how to resolve the situation
- You're addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides
- You self-identify as a "victim"
- You're afraid that by forgiving you have to re-connect—or lose your connection.
When you desire to forgive
If you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts.
- Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened, how you felt about it and how it made you react.
- Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries?
- Think about the other person. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need was and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way?
- Decide if you want to tell the other person that you have forgiven him or her.
4
Key Ideas
Because we idealize love, we overestimate it
We see it as a cure for all of life’s problems. And when we believe that all we need is love, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect and commitment towards the people w...
Idealizing love=unrealistic expectations
....about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. - Mark Manson
Love doesn't equal compatibility
Falling in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.
one more idea
7
Key Ideas
Our inner 'demons'
Our inner Demons, or inner voices, make us do irrational, stupid and selfish things, based out of fear.
We hide and distract ourselves from our inner voice, which is nothing but our fear and ...
Our common negative parts
Some of our common 'demons' are:
- Procrastination
- Laziness
- Self-loathing
- Comparing yourself with your peers, leading to envy
- Loser mentality.
The downward spiral
Our inner demons lead us to negatively judge ourselves, further leading to avoiding that judgment, and eventually starting the internal self-destruction, if the negative downward spiral is left unchecked.
4 more ideas
10
Key Ideas
The Art of Communication
We communicate with each other as a habit but miss a lot in what a conversation really holds.
Our lack of listening skills, our inner chatter, and the urge to speak about ourselves is clou...
Active Listening
When someone is coming to you for advice, you have to listen, with intent. You are not supposed to jump into a conclusion and start dishing out advice.
Usually, people just want someone to listen to their problems.
7 more ideas
4
Key Ideas
Forgiveness
- Forgiveness is choosing to accept what happened as it happened rather than what could or should have happened.
- Forgiveness can mean that you let go.
- Forgiveness can...
Forgiveness is a process
Forgiveness takes time for most. Shock and anger often come before forgiveness. Deal with the hurt feelings before moving into forgiveness.
The act of forgiving is one of realizing that holding onto the anger and resentment no longer carries the same weight on us.
Forgiveness ≠ weakness
One roadblock people face with forgiveness is the idea of being seen as "weak" and saying that what the offender did is excusable.
It requires more strength to forgive. Staying angry, resentful, and vengeful can have a detrimental impact on your physical and emotional health as well as your relationships.
one more idea
The Psychology of Forgiveness: 7 Lessons on How to Finally Let Go and Forgive Someone | Nick Wignall
7
Key Ideas
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting
It’s highly unlikely that you’ll ever be able to forget a serious wrong committed against you. But it’s a mistake to assume that because your mind is drawn to a specific thought or memor...
Forgiveness and anger don’t mix
It’s normal to feel anger towards your offender. But unchecked anger often leads to unhelpful amounts of mental elaboration over the wrongs done to you.
When you notice yourself feeling angry, pause briefly and acknowledge the anger, then ask yourself if your anger will do you any good in the long-term. Just because your anger is justified doesn’t mean it’s helpful.
Forgiveness does not mean endorsement
Acceptance does not mean endorsement or justification. Acceptance means acknowledging that you don’t have power or control over the past.
Accept the offense against you without excusing it. The key to taking control of your future is choosing to let go of the desire to control the past.
4 more ideas
3
Key Ideas
Depressing News
We are living in strange, moralistic and masochistic times, with massive problems that need to be confronted, daily.
Keeping oneself entangled in the daily news coverage only adds to our depr...
Protect Your Brain
We need to protect our brain from negativity, hatred, and racism that we see all around us.
The outside world and its many twisted problems, shown to us 24/7 aren't helping us or our family in any positive way.
Forgiveness
Our daily lives are filled with ugliness, and forgiveness is the key to survival in this age.
Instead of trying to fix everything, just remain calm, forgive and move on. This is one of the surest ways to get your happiness back.
4
Key Ideas
What forgiveness is
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or minimising the pain we feel; nor is it about excusing others.
Forgiveness means making a conscious and deliberate decision to let go of our fe...
A proper apology
One thing that often helps people to forgive is receiving an apology.
A good apology ideally has three parts: an admission of responsibility, a demonstration of sorrow, and doing something to remedy the offence, or prevent a repetition of it.
Apologies and understanding
An apology is not telling others we feel sorry they are angry it is telling them we understand why they are angry with us, regret making them feel that way, and wanting to take their anger away.
An effective apology is showing the person we understand why they are hurting.
one more idea
4
Key Ideas
Steve Jobs did not fit the norm
Steve Jobs has always been considered an anomaly in management: his leadership style was something to admire or to criticize, but definitely not to replicate.
He was navigat...
Apple’s approach to innovation
It puts people at the center. But it is definitely not user-driven: it does not listen to users, but makes proposals to them. Customers do not buy Apple's products because of utility or functionality.
Apple products are more meaningful to users. The products have great design - and identity.
Managing by meaning
Is recognizing that people are human: they have rational, cultural, and emotional dimensions, and they appreciate the person who creates a meaning for them to embrace. For Jobs, design was not only beauty, but creating new meanings for users.
He also offered meaning to his employees - they worked hard on visionary projects, striving to meet targets and to satisfy their leader's maniacal attention to detail, because he infused them with a sense of mission: Apple had to leave a mark in the world of computing, improve people's lives, be bold and, of course, "think different."
one more idea
10
Key Ideas
Self-esteem to measure success
Self-esteem was a measurement of ...
Promoting self-esteem
The theory is that if everyone has high self-esteem, then everyone will be successful and live a happy life. If a society was inoculated with high self-esteem, it would end poverty, crime, and violence.
But, one should take into account that high self-esteem could be the result of success, not necessarily the cause. Also, thinking that only one thing can explain how to be successful, is probably naive.
Self-esteem and success
There’s actually very little correlation between self-esteem and success. Research on self-esteem strongly correlates with how good people feel, in general.
Self-esteem is complex and can be a good or a bad thing, depending on what is measured.
7 more ideas