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The art of the mindful apology
How to give an apology
A good apology takes two people: the giver and the receiver. An apology that heals is based on kindness, generosity, and compassion.
The recipient accepts it with grace and, in turn, offers forgiveness. Without forgiveness, it cannot heal.
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Causing unintentional harm
We all cause harm to our partner and the intimacy between us. We make mistakes that are foolish and unintentional and sometimes launch attacks on purpose.
When you wound another, apologize. Don't ignore the mistakes. When you inflict wounds, they can accumulate. Unacknowledged wounds can build a wall between you.
How to give an apology
A good apology takes two people: the giver and the receiver. An apology that heals is based on kindness, generosity, and compassion.
The recipient accepts it with grace and, in turn, offers forgiveness. Without forgiveness, it cannot heal.
The mindful apology in practice
- Repair: An apology that rebuilds intimacy should have three parts: you need to own the mistake, and then you need to repair the damage. Lastly, you need to vow to improve.
- Forgive: If you have been hurt, you may never completely forget, but you can choose to forgive. To decide to forgive means that you don't relive something that belongs to the past.
- Begin again: Unfinished business will accumulate. Let go of the small and the large wounds, so they don't pile up.
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6 Components of a good apology
- Expression of regret
- Explanation of what went wrong
- Acknowledgment of responsibility
- Declaration of repentance
- Offer of repair
- Request for forgiveness
Communicate Effectively And Sincerely
The content of an apology is only half the battle. The delivery matters as well. If you mumble, avert eye contact, or stand in the corner with your arms crossed, it won’t matter what you say.
No matter how much damage was done, a sincere apology restores faith.
The Courage To Apologize
Saying you’re sorry is uncomfortable. It can be hard to admit your shortcomings and acknowledge your mistakes. But taking responsibility is the key to restoring trust.
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A Long, Hard Look in the Mirror
Apologies bring us face-to-face with the fact that we have something to apologize for, triggering a sense of guilt and shame.
Saying sorry puts one’s shameful beha...
The Chance to Move Forward
When people focus on their core values, they seem to become more willing to sincerely apologize.
By understanding the many barriers to an apology— the indifference to another’s pain or the fraying of a relationship—we can glimpse what’s holding us back from saying “I’m sorry” in a particular situation.
From there, we have the opportunity to change course and let the healing begin.
How to Make a Good Apology
A high-quality apology has three elements:
- It accepts responsibility for the wrong and doesn’t even hint that outside forces, or the victim, caused the offender to do what they did.
- It’s unqualified. If the apology contains a “but,” it fails. There’s time later—after the injury has had time to heal—to bring up any qualifications that might be relevant to future interactions.
- It offers to make amends to avoid the transgression in the future.
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Be sincere
The only time to apologize is when you’re genuinely remorseful.
Avoid any apology that is forced. The person you are apologizing to will pick up on your ...
Be honest and vulnerable
In order to show your sincerity when apologizing, you must be honest and vulnerable. That can lead to the cultivation of meaningful relationships. It can also lead to rejection, which is what makes it so scary.
When you apologize, be willing to share openly and candidly, allowing emotions to flow freely, so that you can be fully seen.
Admit fault
Take responsibility for your actions and admit your mistakes or transgressions. State them out loud. Yes, it will be scary. It will feel shameful for a time. But it is worth it.
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An apology
An apology is one of the most profound interactions two human beings can have with one another.
Research by Lazare and others suggests effective apologies—meaning those that are accepted by ...
Timing
When people make the common mistake of saying they’re sorry too quickly, they can miss a crucial step towards reconciliation.
If someone commits a serious transgression, it’s best to apologize only after the victim has had a chance to “yell and vent” and fully process the betrayal.
Apologies that come too late, like those that come too early, are likely to fail; the sweet spot is somewhere between the two.
Assuring the victim
You should be more focused on the other person, making sure they really believe that you get what you did wrong. Without that emphasis on the other person’s emotional state—and the promise of change—an apology sounds insincere.
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Apologies are not about right and wrong
They're about taking responsibility for unintentionally (or even intentionally) hurting someone emotionally or physically.
You apologize less because of you and your c...
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What forgiveness is
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or minimising the pain we feel; nor is it about excusing others.
Forgiveness means making a conscious and deliberate decision to let go of our fe...
A proper apology
One thing that often helps people to forgive is receiving an apology.
A good apology ideally has three parts: an admission of responsibility, a demonstration of sorrow, and doing something to remedy the offence, or prevent a repetition of it.
Apologies and understanding
An apology is not telling others we feel sorry they are angry it is telling them we understand why they are angry with us, regret making them feel that way, and wanting to take their anger away.
An effective apology is showing the person we understand why they are hurting.
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Forgiveness
- Forgiveness is choosing to accept what happened as it happened rather than what could or should have happened.
- Forgiveness can mean that you let go.
- Forgiveness can...
Forgiveness is a process
Forgiveness takes time for most. Shock and anger often come before forgiveness. Deal with the hurt feelings before moving into forgiveness.
The act of forgiving is one of realizing that holding onto the anger and resentment no longer carries the same weight on us.
Forgiveness ≠ weakness
One roadblock people face with forgiveness is the idea of being seen as "weak" and saying that what the offender did is excusable.
It requires more strength to forgive. Staying angry, resentful, and vengeful can have a detrimental impact on your physical and emotional health as well as your relationships.
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The Psychology of Forgiveness: 7 Lessons on How to Finally Let Go and Forgive Someone | Nick Wignall
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Forgiveness does not mean forgetting
It’s highly unlikely that you’ll ever be able to forget a serious wrong committed against you. But it’s a mistake to assume that because your mind is drawn to a specific thought or memor...
Forgiveness and anger don’t mix
It’s normal to feel anger towards your offender. But unchecked anger often leads to unhelpful amounts of mental elaboration over the wrongs done to you.
When you notice yourself feeling angry, pause briefly and acknowledge the anger, then ask yourself if your anger will do you any good in the long-term. Just because your anger is justified doesn’t mean it’s helpful.
Forgiveness does not mean endorsement
Acceptance does not mean endorsement or justification. Acceptance means acknowledging that you don’t have power or control over the past.
Accept the offense against you without excusing it. The key to taking control of your future is choosing to let go of the desire to control the past.
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Solutions To Basic Communication Mistakes
- Criticism: complain without blame.
- Content: regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner.
- Defensiveness: accept respo...
Couples Who Stayed Together
- When disconnected, they ache for reconciliation.
- avoid blaming each other in arguments or disputes,
- try to meet one another’s needs
- parent each other a little
- understand that the future and relationships are uncertain.
Potential External Threats
Be proactive about warding off threats to your relationship. Avoid lots of time apart, or unwise behavior such as hanging out with people you used to be on/off with.
You can’t guarantee fidelity, but you can do your best to make the relationship the container that you each value so highly, that going elsewhere isn’t desirable.
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Writing letters as therapy
Unlike modern communication tools like text messages, letters have a unique, personal and intimate identity. Letter writing is a lost art, and an important tool for therapy. The pent up feel...
Letters Of Courage
- Letters that are just for us provide us with a space for reflection where we have a conversation with our identity, our inner-critic, or our ego.
- Secret, unsent letters that we write to others, are a one-way communication where we express our inner feelings, desires and emotions in the truest sense, to someone who will never read it.
- Letter of closure, where we are communicating with the person for the last time, becomes a relic, a lifelong reminder of the realness of our experiences.