“Disasters generally operate as an accelerator in a... - Deepstash
Esther Perel

“Disasters generally operate as an accelerator in a relationship.”

ESTHER PEREL

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There is a polarization going on around the way that people deal with fear, with anger, with the preparations in the face of disaster. You can find:

  • People that become clear organizers because order for them means making sense of the chaos of the external world and the one that is rising inside of them.
  • People wanting to talk all the time with other people and have a sense of what’s going on with everyone.
  • People thinking that their partner is not cautious enough.

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Lockdown poses unique problems for couples who are isolating together.
People who are used to seeing their partner at the end of the day now are now living with the new reality of not only being full-time with their significant other but also working alongside them. This situation, together with the uncertainty of the whole pandemic crisis can create tension.

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Grief is not just about death in the physical sense.
Living during a pandemic provides you with constant reminders that death can randomly appear in your life and it can throw your world upside down like that. During these uncertain these, we are all experiencing a form of anticipatory grief.

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Most couples don't consider counseling until a real crisis or a catastrophe appears.

It is better to go to couples counseling during a specific life event, strengthening some piece of a relationship, taking it as a preventive measure. This helps nip the larger issues in the bud before the partners are ready to kill each other. Going early also provides time to choose a counselor that clicks with both the partners.

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Creating routines

Too much is expected of modern relationships: your partner is supposed to fulfil roles that historically used to be spread out within communal structures. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend, lover, psychotherapist, child-care co-worker, and dishwasher.

What is essential during a crisis is to create boundaries, routines, and rituals. As best as possible, separate daytime and evening, week time and weekend, working time and idle time, family time and individual time. Routine creates a structure and brings a certain sense of order.

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Rekindling the Fire

Many couples have reached a cozy state of companionship. The humdrumness of life affects the long-term relationship.

It is not uncommon to lose the 'fire' and is unrealistic to expect consistency.

Though love, sex, and intimacy do fluctuate over our lifetimes, there are several possible ways to reconnect with your partner and rekindle the relationship.

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