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Esther Perel's Advice for Couples Under Lockdown
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Couples under lockdown
Lockdown poses unique problems for couples who are isolating together.
People who are used to seeing their partner at the end of the day now are now living with the new reality of not only being full-time with their significant other but also working alongside them. This situation, together with the uncertainty of the whole pandemic crisis can create tension.
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Different coping styles
There is a polarization going on around the way that people deal with fear, with anger, with the preparations in the face of disaster. You can find:
- People that become clear organizers because order for them means making sense of the chaos of the external world and the one that is rising inside of them.
- People wanting to talk all the time with other people and have a sense of what’s going on with everyone.
- People thinking that their partner is not cautious enough.
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Experiencing grief
Grief is not just about death in the physical sense.
Living during a pandemic provides you with constant reminders that death can randomly appear in your life and it can throw your world upside down like that. During these uncertain these, we are all experiencing a form of anticipatory grief.
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Creating routines
Too much is expected of modern relationships: your partner is supposed to fulfil roles that historically used to be spread out within communal structures. Your partner is supposed to be your be...
How to respond to the "invisible work"
During the pandemic, being at home with a partner reveals the "invisible work" they're doing, which may be taken for granted. This expanded view of ourselves and our partners can go in two directions.
- In one direction, you are curious and say, "I never knew. I really appreciate it. I realize how I let you do everything." It becomes a source of connection.
- It the other direction, it becomes a source of blame where you want to complain and tell your partner just how much you are doing. This way, you're not going to get help.
How people should fight
Couples go through harmony, disharmony, and repair. So they will inevitably get into arguments. However, what matters is how you fight. Don't highlight everything negative while taking the positive for granted.
Start by saying to yourself, "What are the one or two things that they have done that I can appreciate?" If you start with that, you will fight differently.
Stay focussed on the one thing that you're upset about at this moment. Don't end up talking about other things.
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Relationship Apocalypse
The Four Horsemen of The Relationship Apocalypse:
- Criticism: is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner.
- Defensiveness: res...
Building "Love Maps"
It means getting to know your partner really well, including his/her internal psychological world.
Ask questions, deep and personal ones. Get past“When will you be there?” or “Don’t forget to pick up milk.”
Show Admiration
Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner.
Masters see their partners as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.
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Go Sooner Than Later
Most couples don't consider counseling until a real crisis or a catastrophe appears.
It is better to go to couples counseling during a specific life event, strengthening some piece of a rela...
Finding The Right Therapist
Finding a suitable therapist, right for both the partners can take time. Take into consideration:
- Both partners are comfortable with the choice.
- Any preferences (gender or cultural background) are taken into account.
- It should be convenient to schedule an appointment with him, not interfering with other commitments too much.
- At least two kinds of counselors are spoken to, and then a decision taken.
- Check online for recommendations or ask for a referral within your friend circle.
Types of Therapies
A good therapist can utilize multiple approaches and will tailor the provided therapy based on the couple's needs. The common therapies are:
- Gottman Method: Focused on positive communication
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): helps couples with their emotional needs.
- Imago Relationship Therapy: Connecting new relationships with old ones.
- Other approaches like Hypnosis, sex therapy, etc.