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How to keep quarantine from ruining your marriage

Rituals

Rituals are important to maintain a positive connection. A ritual can be anything that makes you and your partner regularly turn towards each other, emotionally, physically or spiritually.


Rituals of connection form the pillars of this culture, making the bond stronger by reinforcing it.

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IDEA EXTRACTED FROM:

How to keep quarantine from ruining your marriage

How to keep quarantine from ruining your marriage

https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-keep-quarantine-from-ruining-your-marriage/

ideas.ted.com

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Key Ideas

Couples In Lockdown

In lockdown(or home quarantine), relationships are being stress-tested across the globe, as couples and partners live together 24/7, and have to deal with:

  • New kinds of stressful situations.
  • Working from home, which has its own unique challenges.
  • Makeshift PC workstations or workspaces.
  • No personal space.
  • Adjusting to the new rules of living together.

Listen More

Everyone is stressed out as there are losses all around. Most of us miss life before the lockdown. It is a good idea to let those feelings come out, listen attentively to the partner, and maybe give a hug, while avoiding any ‘fix-it’ response.

Rituals

Rituals are important to maintain a positive connection. A ritual can be anything that makes you and your partner regularly turn towards each other, emotionally, physically or spiritually.


Rituals of connection form the pillars of this culture, making the bond stronger by reinforcing it.

Kinds Of Rituals

Strong and meaningful rituals, whether it is praying together, or even coining nicknames, can stitch couples together and build strong relationships.

  • Certain couples have initiated rituals that mimic an office day.
  • Others have specific clothes to wear that signal that they are not to be disturbed.
  • Couples can give each other football-style yellow cards when one of them has done something stupid. They can also 'park' the mistakes and make a list to look into later.
  • Many couples have evening walks together to reconcile their day and apologize for any missteps.

Remembering The Past

Reading old diaries and letters, or looking at old pictures is a great way to bond at home, while revisiting old memories when life wasn’t too complicated. Since there are kids present in most homes too due to schools being shut, the partners can read out old children’s books to them or have themed dinner parties at home.

It is important to stay home, stay safe and safeguard what’s most important to you: Your loved ones.

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Rituals play a number of critical roles
  • Rituals in the face of loss can help us feel less grief.
  • Rituals with families can make us feel closer.
  • Rituals with our partners can reinforce our commitment to each other.

They are not “elaborate religious ceremonies”, but more often just private and idiosyncratic activities.

Rituals and repetition

Repeated rituals seem to gain in strength, but even one-time rituals can be effective (for example, burning pictures in the place where you met your ex).

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Single and happy

According to a study in Applied Research Quality of Life, single people tend to be happier than the married ones, as they are more socially active. 

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Social capital and happiness

The so-called ‘social capital’ is perceived by the singles as a substitute for the affection that a life partner is to provide. 

More than that, for individuals who have recently gone through a divorce or the loss of love of any kind, social interactions seem to have particular importance, as they become a synonym for the support that they need in order to deal with the current difficulties.

Friends and your happiness

All in all, making sure that you keep your circle close to you, especially when you are single, can make a significant difference in your quality of life, as you are going to feel happier whenever you are surrounded by your friends, relatives and so on. 

So stay positive: being in a couple or choosing to stay single can result in the very same amount of happiness whatsoever.

Dating In The Pandemic
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Lockdown In A New Relationship

Being in Lockdown or in a quarantine complicates dating in unexpected ways, raises some previously unheard questions (like who’s got a more ‘apocalypse’ friendly place) and makes partners feel as if they are already in the boring part of a relationship without any of the initial romance or spark.

Love During Quarantine
  • Constantly sharing updates about the pandemic with your new partner is not a good idea.
  • Social distancing etiquette (hello elbow bumps) may feel awkward, and FaceTime video chats can feel a bit too intimate and over-the-top after a while, as the other person is still a practical stranger.

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Go Sooner Than Later

Most couples don't consider counseling until a real crisis or a catastrophe appears.

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Finding The Right Therapist

Finding a suitable therapist, right for both the partners can take time. Take into consideration:

  • Both partners are comfortable with the choice.
  • Any preferences (gender or cultural background) are taken into account.
  • It should be convenient to schedule an appointment with him, not interfering with other commitments too much.
  • At least two kinds of counselors are spoken to, and then a decision taken.
  • Check online for recommendations or ask for a referral within your friend circle.
Types of Therapies

A good therapist can utilize multiple approaches and will tailor the provided therapy based on the couple's needs. The common therapies are:

  • Gottman Method: Focused on positive communication
  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): helps couples with their emotional needs.
  • Imago Relationship Therapy: Connecting new relationships with old ones.
  • Other approaches like Hypnosis, sex therapy, etc.

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  • We generate meaning through relationships. And meaning is the fuel of our minds. 
  • Our relationships also define our understanding of ourselves. And when one of these relationships is destroyed, that part of our identity is destroyed along with it. 
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  • Sadness occurs when something feels bad. 
  • Depression occurs when something feels meaningless. 

When something feels bad, at least it has meaning. In depression, everything becomes a big blank void. 

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Magnified Faults

The Negativity Effect magnifies and distorts your partner's faults, whether real or imaginary.

The partner starts to wonder why isn't there any appreciation for all the good that is being done, and why the focus is only on the one bad thing.

Going Downhill

Relationships, especially long-term ones, don't get better with time but are kept intact by avoiding decline.

Married couples find contentment in other sources and remain satisfied with each other, and if not so, then the marriage breaks down.

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Creating routines
Creating routines

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How to respond to the "invisible work"

During the pandemic, being at home with a partner reveals the "invisible work" they're doing, which may be taken for granted. This expanded view of ourselves and our partners can go in two directions.

  • In one direction, you are curious and say, "I never knew. I really appreciate it. I realize how I let you do everything." It becomes a source of connection.
  • It the other direction, it becomes a source of blame where you want to complain and tell your partner just how much you are doing. This way, you're not going to get help.
How people should fight

Couples go through harmony, disharmony, and repair. So they will inevitably get into arguments. However, what matters is how you fight. Don't highlight everything negative while taking the positive for granted.

  • Start by saying to yourself, "What are the one or two things that they have done that I can appreciate?" If you start with that, you will fight differently.

  • Stay focussed on the one thing that you're upset about at this moment. Don't end up talking about other things.

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Communication needs improvement if:
  • You are having trouble getting through to your spouse; you talk about the same issue over and over again without coming to an agreement.
  • You seem unable to have a decent conversation...
Just Communicate

It is difficult to discuss some sensitive subjects, and we are tempted to avoid them. Other times we simply expect our partners to know what we are doing, thinking or what we want.

It is much better to get things out in the open regularly rather than waiting to have big rows that might damage your relationship.

Listen actively

Be curious about your partner’s point of view rather than trying to anticipate every situation. Active listening involves:

  • Paying attention to your partner.
  • Tolerating your silence.
  • Paying attention to your partner’s nonverbal communication.
  • Reflecting and paraphrasing what your partner is saying: I hear you say you feel angry when I ….. Is that what you are saying?

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Relationship app

A relationship app helps people to communicate.

  •  It can remind people to regularly connect during the day.
  • It can be helpful to spark meaningful conversations for people who...
How relationship apps work

A relationship app does little things like sending you reminders to text your partner an expression of gratitude at a certain time of day. It can also guide you through how to start a conversation about, for instance,  infidelity.

A relationship app is like a third, neutral party: It shows where a couple's needs and priorities differ. One app combines audio tracks and articles about psychology and marriage health, then translates them into exercises.

The shift in optimizing personal lives

People have started to approach their personal lives like a business. 

Marriage spreadsheets can collect and analyze data on everything that might affect the quality of life - for instance, household chores, alone time or hours slept. 

Applications can act as a manager for children's time, or organize to-do lists and goals.

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When routines become a weakness
When routines become a weakness

If you become very attached to your routines, when they get messed up, you get frustrated.

You feel what is almost like withdrawals and you start doubting yourself.

Routines and resistance

A routine means creating practices, habits and rules that force us to be better. Without it, resistance is given too much room to operate.

Routines are essential in the battle with doubt, chaos and laziness.

Discipline is a form of freedom

Left unsupervised, however, it becomes a form of tyranny.

The ability to rotate from routine to routine, discipline to discipline, according to the needs of the day and the moment is very important.