"Self esteem is your ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard"

Some people never say sorry. According to Esther Perel, this is because they have a strong sense of shame. But admitting one's mistakes and imperfections should not be a reflection of self-worth. In fact, being able to acknowledge and apologize for mistakes shows strength and vulnerability. By separating our sense of self from a perfect image, we can overcome the shame that holds us back from apologizing.

The Power of Apologies and Overcoming Shame

2 ways to view marriage (or serious relationships in general)<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Capstone marriage: Where marriage is seen as a kind of reward after you’ve accomplished a certain number of goals in your life, whether they are professional, personal, etc.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Cornerstone marriage: It’s where your marriage is your starting point, something from which you build a life.</li></ul>Both have challenges:<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">In a capstone mentality your high standards and evolution as a person may make finding someone difficult.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">In cornerstone ones, the people in the relationship define themselves as part of a unit and less as a unique individual.</li></ul>

Cornerstone vs Capstone Marriage

Traditional sexuality was all about procreation. Modern sexuality is now often identified with performance: how many times, how many partners, and what types of sex. Sex has become something you do rather than something you experience.Esther Perel proposes a new mindset. Sex as an experience. "Sex is a place you go." So where do you want to go?<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Seek deep spiritual union?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Experience deep connection?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Transcend daily life?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Surrender and be vulnerable?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Be naughty or kinky?</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Abdicate responsibility?</li></ul>Sex is never just sex. Sexuality is a code for our deepest emotional needs: our wounds, fears & aspirations.

Sex: A Place You Go, Not What You Do

Sexuality is a not a reflection of a relationship. It should not be assumed a loving relationship naturally leads to hot action in the bedroom. To Perel, sexuality and love run a parallel track. Eroticism has more to do with the joy of living & with feeling alive. It is a very personal expression of one's individuality, unburden by any external connection to another person.And while love does not imply eroticism, the opposite is more common. Changing the sexual dynamic in a couple will improve the relationship as well.

Upgrade Your Sex Life & Relationship

Esther Perel dropping some truth bombs as usual. 

In this episode, my guest is Esther Perel, a world-renowned psychotherapist, relationship expert, and bestselling author. She explains healthy romantic relationship dynamics and how to achieve them. The answer includes curiosity not just about the other person but, more importantly, about who we can evolve into through healthy relating. Esther explains the fundamental differences and challenges in relationships formed at different stages of life. We also discuss relationship conflict and how to give and receive a true apology. Additionally, we discuss fidelity, breaches of trust, reviving relationships, and tools for understanding your needs regarding love and desire in a relationship. The episode will help listeners understand the key elements to find, build, and revive deeply satisfying romantic relationships. Access the full show notes for this episode at hubermanlab.com. Esther Perel's new Desire courses are launching tomorrow, September 17—use code HUBERMAN15 for 15% off any course through December. Thank you to our sponsors AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman David Protein: https://davidprotein.com/huberman LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman Helix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/huberman Function: https://functionhealth.com/huberman Timestamps 00:00:00 Esther Perel 00:02:03 Sponsors: David Protein, LMNT & Helix Sleep 00:06:33 Romantic Relationships, Change & Self 00:11:18 Cornerstone vs. Capstone Relationships, Age Differences 00:16:53 Young vs. Older Couples, Dynamic Relationships 00:20:13 Identity & Relationship Evolution 00:26:00 Curiosity, Reactivity 00:30:29 Sponsor: AG1 00:31:59 Polarization, Conflict; Coherence & Narratives 00:38:21 Apologies, Forgiveness, Shame, Self-Esteem 00:45:00 Relationship Conflict 00:53:48 Sponsor: Function 00:55:35 Verb States of Conflict; Emotion, Narratives vs. Reality 01:00:10 Time Domains & Hurt; Caretaker & Romantic Relationships 01:08:03 Couples Therapy; Language & Naming 01:20:15 Sexuality in Relationships 01:26:20 Tool: Love & Desire, Sexuality 01:31:28 Infidelity, “Aliveness” 01:35:17 Intimacy, Abandonment, Self-Preservation 01:41:26 Erotic Blueprints, Emotional Needs 01:49:42 Tool: Repair Work, Relationship Revival; Sincere Apologies 01:59:30 Tool: Relationship Readiness 02:03:33 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter Disclaimer & Disclosures

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Huberman Lab discusses neuroscience: how our brain and its connections with the organs of our body control our perceptions, our behaviors, and our health. We also discuss existing and emerging tools for measuring and changing how our nervous system works. Dr. Andrew Huberman is a tenured professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. His laboratory studies neural regeneration, neuroplasticity, and brain states such as stress, focus, fear, and optimal performance. For more than 20 years, Dr. Huberman has consistently published original research findings and review articles in top-level peer-reviewed journals, including Nature, Science, Cell, Neuron, and Current Biology. He is a regular member of several National Institutes of Health review panels and a Fellow of the McKnight Foundation and the Pew Charitable Trusts. Dr. Huberman regularly consults for technology development companies, professional athletic organizations, and various units of U.S. and Canadian Special Operations.

Cornerstone vs Capstone Marriage

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